Quotables from LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON, 10/1-10/5
LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON, NBC
Below are Jimmy Fallon's most notable quotes from Oct. 1-5:
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here?s what people are talking about. On Saturday night, Justin Bieber threw up on stage during the first stop of his "Believe" concert tour. Even weirder, the sound of Bieber throwing up just hit #1 on the Billboard chart.
Some sports news. The Jets suffered their first shutout in two years, after losing to the 49ers 30 to zero. That's right, absolutely no scoring - or as Tim Tebow calls that, "A date."
Hey! I want to say congratulations to Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer, who gave birth to a baby boy yesterday. Though it was a little awkward when her baby's first sounds were "Gah-gah-Goo-gle."
Everyone is talking about the Arnold Schwarzenegger interview last night on ?60 Minutes,? where revealed that he performed two same-sex marriages while he was governor of California. Of course, the marriages aren't official 'cuz the couples couldn't understand what Arnold was saying. (ARNOLD) "Do you take this man to be the other man in the man man thing that is what we?re doing right now?"
This is kind of scary. On Saturday, an American Airlines flight made an emergency landing at JFK when a row of seats became unbolted and started sliding around the plane. Yeah, it was weird when people were like, (ANNOYED) "Oh great, I'm sitting near the bathroom. (SLIDING, NOW EXCITED) Alright, now I?m in first class! (MORE EXCITED) Now I'm a pilot!"
The animated movie "Hotel Transylvania" came in #1 at the box office this weekend. It's about a place where people are free to be the monsters they really are. Or as most people call that, the "Bravo" network.
And finally, police in Florida were called this weekend after 400 pounds of marijuana washed up on the beach. The police became suspicious when people stopped building sand castles, and started building White Castles.
The first debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney is tomorrow night and the campaigns are doing whatever they can to get ready. Actually I heard the Obama campaign is a little worried, cuz during his flight to Nevada on Sunday, the President apparently watched four hours of football instead of studying. Although it did mark the first time all year Obama?s actually seen something get passed.
Everyone is looking for some kind of sign as to who will win this debate. In fact one group of researchers are saying that presidential candidates who blink less during a debate are more likely to win the election. Or as Michele Bachmann put it, "Anyway I can get back in this thing?"
I just read about this. A new survey found that over 35 percent of Americans actually plan on voting before Election Day. Not for president of the United States, just for "Dancing with the Stars."
This is interesting. Health experts predict that the world will have more than one billion elderly people in the next ten years. Yeah, one billion elderly people or as that's also known, the opening credits to "60 Minutes."
Oh man, did you guys see the "Today" show this morning? This is was great, during an animal segment, a hawk got loose in the studio and landed somewhere above Hoda and Kathie Lee. Of course it was probably scared of the other birds in the studio - you know, Grey Goose and Wild Turkey.
This isn't good. Ikea is facing criticism for airbrushing women out of its catalog in Saudi Arabia. Yeah, Ikea hasn't taken this much heat since they airbrushEd English out of their instruction manuals.
Amtrak just announced that it will be performing drug tests on 50 percent of its employees. So if you plan on riding Amtrak, don't worry- there's only a 50 percent chance your conductor is totally stoned.
And finally, Starbucks is planning to open its first store in India by the end of the month. You can tell the store?s in India, cuz instead of pretending to write on their laptops, customers pretend to fix them.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here?s what people are talking about. Tonight was the first presidential debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. And not only that, it was also the Obamas' 20th wedding anniversary. Yeah, it was a little weird during the debate when Obama promised to balance the budget, lower taxes, and be home by 10 for cuddle time.
More election news. While campaigning yesterday in Colorado, Mitt Romney made a stop at the fast food restaurant, Chipotle. The guy behind the counter was like, "Burrito?" and Romney was like, (ROMNEY) "Hey there, Burrito! My name is Mitt Romney!"
Actually, I think we have a photo of Romney's stop at Chipotle. Take a look at this: (SHOW PIC) Yeah, I can't decide if the caption for this should be: "Are we on Undercover Boss?" or "Hey, the OTHER other white meat."
Oh man, did you hear about this? American Idol had to cancel auditions yesterday after Nicki Minaj started swearing and threatened to "knock out Mariah Carey." Yeah, the producers were like, "Hey, there's a time and a place for that kinda thing - a Real Housewives reunion show."
Listen to this. NASA is warning that solar radiation could cause TV outages over the next week. Or as Mitt Romney put it, (FINGERS CROSSED, QUICKLY) "Please happen during the debate, please happen during the debate?"
This is interesting. A new study found that nice people are more likely to live longer than people with bad attitudes. Or as people with bad attitudes put it, (Indifferent) "Whatever."
I heard that Costco is recalling its smoked salmon because of a possible salmonella contamination. That?s right, their salmon has salmonella. Something tells me I don?t want to know what their crabs have.
Hey, but on the bright side, since it?s Costco, customers did get a LOT of salmonella for their money.
And finally, an 84-year-old woman in Maine is doing fine after she accidentally drove her car into the ocean. Which explains the name of that new Disney movie, "Finding Nana."
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I just want to go on the record as saying that I, too, love Big Bird.
Did you see this? During last night?s debate, Mitt Romney said that he loves Big Bird. Which was even more awkward, since the question was, "Can you explain your tax plan?"
That?s right, after months of build-up, last night was the first presidential debate at the University of Denver. Of course, a lot of big names didn't show up to the event: Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, President Obama.
It wasn't a good night for Obama. In fact, the president seemed to give longwinded, disjointed answers during last night?s debate. Yeah, even Gary Busey was like, "Dude, you got to focus. FOCUS: First One Can Understand Stuff."
I read that a lot of people played drinking games last night during the debate, where they took a shot when someone said a certain word. Yeah, the word for Obama was "Jobs", the word for Romney was "Medicare,? and the word for Jim Lehrer was (TRYING TO INTERRUPT) "Bu...." "Wa..." "Th..."
That's right, Jim Lehrer had trouble making sure the candidates stuck to the rules. Yeah, even NFL replacement refs were like, "This guy's a disaster!"
Hey, the highly anticipated video game NBA 2K13 hit stores this week! It's very realistic - in fact as soon as you win, a Kardashian shows up and marries you.
Actually NBA 2K13 has a secret celebrity team that features Pauly D and Vinny from "Jersey Shore." And Snooki, as one of the basketballs.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. After months of intense debate practice with Senator John Kerry, President Obama promises to be more aggressive, and a lot tougher on Mitt Romney in the next debate. Which explains Obama?s new debate coach: Nicki Minaj.
Some more political news. In a new interview, Mitt Romney said he is against marijuana being used for recreational purposes. When stoners heard that, they were like, (STONER) "Well, what about just for fun?"
Check this out. In a new interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put it, "Any way they could play him in a debate?"
I just read about this. The Olive Garden is getting rid of its famous catchphrase, "When You're Here, You're Family." Yep, they're going to start using a more appropriate catchphrase: "When You're Here, The Wait Was Too Long At The Cheesecake Factory."
Yeah, it turns out that the whole time we were there?(CHOKED UP/MUSIC) we weren't family.
Oh man, have you guys heard about this? There's a Hulk Hogan sex tape that's going around the Internet. Yeah, a sex-tape featuring 59-year-old Hulk Hogan - which explains the tape's name: "Wrinkle-Mania."
Get this. A woman in Georgia is suing Radio Shack for selling her a smart phone loaded with porn. In response, Radio Shack was like, "That's impossible - our employees don't know how to program a smart phone!"
Here's a crazy story. This week, police in Scotland spent 15 minutes rescuing a man who got his head stuck in a trashcan. Which seems less heroic when you hear that they spent over 45 minutes filming it for YouTube.
And finally: This week, Justin Bieber's mom went on a date with "Bachelor" host CHRIS HARRISON. Come on - hasn't Justin Bieber done enough vomiting for one week?