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Glee-Cap: Safety First, Safety Last, Safety Always

Related: GLEE, Lea Michele, Ryan Murphy
Glee-Cap: Safety First, Safety Last, Safety Always

Somehow, I think your normal GLEE-capper, Robert Lawlor, knew this was going to be a down week for Glee when he asked me to pinch-hit for him (don't worry if you don't know what that means, it's a sports term). While I have been generally quite pleased with the majority of episodes over the last two seasons, this week felt like a throwback to Season 2 or 3, where far too many shows seemed simply to be filler. While they might have ultimately been entertaining, they primarily served as a placeholder until we got to the more plot-specific episodes. With Kurt's attack last week and Rachel's FUNNY GIRL opening a week away, this one felt disappointingly like a very low-stakes buffer between the two.

That being said, there were some humorous moments this week (as Chord Overstreet continues to be the unsung hero of the season) even if the songs left much to be desired. Anyway, onto the action; at the top of the show we are treated to a comical black-and-white WWII newsreel-style clip of the show's four boys, dressed as sailors on leave, touting the benefits of getting tested for STDs. While the 1940's homage was one of the best parts of the episode, I think the fantasy opening would have made much more sense had it been spun as one of Artie's student films. Additionally, it would have served the plot much better than forcing Sam to shoehorn in one of the show's central topics later on.

After the video, Artie gave us a bit of old-school narration about how much he loves living in New York. In addition to following his dreams at film school, he has gone from nerdy guy in a wheelchair that girls avoided in Lima, to nerdy guy in a wheelchair that girls flock to in NYC. We learn that he apparently broke up with Kitty and is now single, and ready to mingle. Tangentially, am I the only one that feels let down by how casually the show-runners have thrown out all of the characters and relationships that we have come to care about in Lima?

We then meet Artie's current lady-friends Vanessa (Galadriel Stineman, who likes him for his sad-clown student Glee-Cap: Safety First, Safety Last, Safety Alwaysfilm) and Jessica (Tahlena Chikami, who likes him because she has a wheelchair fetish). But Artie quickly informs us that he really is interested in Julie (played by FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHT's, Stephanie Hunt). As Julie records the narration to Artie's AMERICAN BEAUTYesq film about a floating plastic bag, Artie sings Robert Plamer's "Addicted to Love" (with his three paramours as the fembot backup singers).

Also excited about his recent move to the Big Apple, Blaine introduces us to his favorite things about the big city, and nearly all of them involve 3,800 calories, especially his new obsession, the cronut! Unfortunately, his newfound foodie status brings on the proverbial Freshman 15. Throughout the episode, his weight gain and NYADA's Stage Combat class highlight Blaine's growing insecurities.

Next, as Sam approaches second base, Mercedes tells him that she is a virgin (to which Sam replies, to no one's surprise, "I'm not,"). After telling Mercedes that he is comfortable waiting, at lunch with the guys, Sam says he wants to have a "clean" slate with her, so he suggests that they all go to the free clinic and get checked for STDs (see shoehorned plot development). Despite Sam's promiscuous past, Artie is the only one who got the gross positive results.

After he reveals that he has been diagnosed with chlamydia (and his friends get over the shock that he is suddenly sexually active) Sam "slut-shames" him into telling Vanessa and Jessica about his diagnosis. Facing this uncomfortable responsibility results in Artie visualizing himself wearing a giant STD-mascot suit that looks like a disgusting regurgitated piece of pizza. I understand the artistic choice to physically represent Artie's uncomfortableness, but did the costume department really need to make the STD costume that ridiculous?

Next, Sam visits Mercedes' church because she says she wants to "turn to God" for whether or not they should have sex. That's probably going to be an uncomfortable conversation, but I applaud her faith. Like most things on GLEE, Mercedes decides to sing about the issues she is wrestling with in Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is." An odd song choice for a house of worship, but it's GLEE, so logic doesn't really come into play that often. The song ends with an awkward Mercedes-Sam-pastor group hug (make sure to leave space for the Holy Spirit kids).

Glee-Cap: Safety First, Safety Last, Safety AlwaysAfter Kurt innocently discovers porn on Blaine's computer, Klaine (or is it Blurt? I can't keep up with the shippers' nicknames) end up back in Combat Class, where they physically and vocally square off in various fight sequences while dueting on Pat Benetar's classic "Love is a Battlefield." Ironically the mantra of the class is, "Safety first, safety last, safety always," which sounds like a lesson Mr. Shue probably should have taught Artie before he went off to college.

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