BWW Recap: Broadway's Biggest BACHELOR Fan, Patti Murin, Recaps the Search for Chris' 'Soulemate'

"Iowa is God's country," says Chris Soules, America's First Farmer Bachelor (or AFFB). Chris was the hands-down fan favorite from last season of "The Bachelorette" starring Andi Dorffman, mainly because of his charm, All-American good looks, and seemingly complete normality on a franchise riddled with potential sociopaths. In the requisite introductory sequence, Chris drives a tractor, gazes lovingly at his crops, and tastes a plant (peas? beans? what is it??) as he declares that "love is a lot like farming," and uses the word "journey" for the first of many times this season.

Our journey begins, dear readers, in the small town of Arlington, Iowa, population 400. Chris, our brave Bachelor, prepares to leave town by having a last dinner with his family, waving hello to passing vehicles as he sits outside the apparently abandoned bank building, and lunching with six elderly men in a local dive bar. I think it's safe to say that he deserves the opportunity to meet a crapload of single women who are willing to sacrifice their dignity in return for his hand in marriage.

Chris has been working out with another favorite Bachelorette reject, Cody, and he has the guns to prove it (thanks, hay bales!). Sad synthesizer music plays as Chris, perched on a Harley in the middle of a field, explains that this will be the first time he has missed harvest in his entire life, because the journey to find his wife is that important to him. He wants to find his soulmate. Or, as I shall hereby call it, his Soulemate (get it??). I wish I could copyright that, but I fear it may be too late.

(Let's be clear on one thing: I, Patti Murin, at this point in this season of The Bachelor, love Chris Soules. I think he has a great sense of humor, find him very attractive, and think he may actually be able to find love through this TV show. It should be noted, however, that I also loved Juan Pablo when he began this same process, so I reserve the right to change my mind.)

We meet a few of the potential winners in depth, including Kelsey, a young widower, a fertility nurse named Whitney (love!), and an extremely wide-eyed ballet instructor named Amanda (shoulders down, Amanda!). Amanda seems the most prepared to be a farmer's wife, if being a farmer's wife doesn't include cooking, cleaning, or chores in general. Good luck with that, Big Eyes!

The "Bachelor" montage begins, as Chris tries on racks and racks of clothing, does a million photo shoots, and arrives at THE BACHELOR compound. We get our first shirtless-in-the-shower shot of the series as Chris opines about his fears and hopes for this journey. The first set of ladies arrives in a limo, and we are officially on our way to find Chris's Soulemate.

Britt, a stunning waitress from LA, is first out of the limo, and she promptly declares her crazy by hugging Chris for an uncomfortably long period of time and breathlessly crying. Yes, with real tears. AFFB seems to love it though, and he has found his first favorite of the night.

A stream of women follows, and Chris is visibly overwhelmed. Poor guy probably goes days without seeing an actual female, and now he has a whole cheerleading squad of ladies who ALL. WANT. HIM. REALLY. BADLY. Next out is Reegan, who carries with her a rather alarming prop: a cooler with a biohazard symbol on it. Between that and her job title of "Cadaver Tissue Salesman," I think it's safe to say that Reegan may not be long for this world. She proceeds to give him a gift "from the heart," which is the cooler with a REALLY convincing looking heart inside of it. She giggles and tells him it was just a joke, and the heart is not real, but I wouldn't be surprised if the body of a potential Soulemate is in the back of that limo, suspiciously missing a heart.

Now we have Tara, who bucks all previous "Bachelor/ette" trends by showing up in Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots. Tara then proceeds to go inside, change into a cocktail dress and heels, circle the property, and re-introduce herself to Chris. I have to say, I'm rather impressed with this tactic. Though Tara's affinity for Jack Daniels and job title of "Sports Fishing Enthusiast" don't leave me much hope (Do these girls get to choose their own job titles???).

Next comes Amanda, aka Big Eyes, who sneaks up on Chris and declares her intention to be his Secret Admirer, since he was so successful at doing just that last season. Although this will only work for about thirty minutes, until he goes inside and finds the one girl he hasn't met yet. A for Effort, Big Eyes. Keep smiling.

In one of the best moments of the episode, Kaitlyn steps out of the limo and promptly tells Chris that he "can plow the f*** out of her field any day." Chris, along with the rest of America (and myself), is speechless.

Chris Harrison appears from the bushes to send Chris inside, after only 15 women have arrived. Normally there are at least 25, and so everyone is slightly confused. This immediately starts the ladies obsessing over whether they are the only contestants, and raising their hopes that maybe the competition will be a little less stiff this season. Also to be noted is that Chris refers to himself as "The Bach," a title I am instantly stealing.

Britt steals Chris for some one-on-one time and brainwashes/hypnotizes him with her intensely deep stares and eloquent speech. I have to say, this girl KNOWS how to play the game. She knows when to be coy, when to giggle, when to let him speak, and by the end of their time he is obviously ready to plant one on her. I'm thoroughly impressed with her manipulative skills, and it will be interesting to find out if Chris sees through what I think is a whole load of cowpies.

Chris Harrison brings out the First Impression Rose, which fuels even further speculation on whether or not there are more limos arriving, or if they are, indeed, the only potential Soulemates. Whitney gets her one-on-one time with AFFB, and I am going to declare her one of my early favorites. Beautiful, sweet, seemingly down to earth, I think she will go far.

Chris goes to find his Secret Admirer (after 3 hours!!! Really Amanda?), and the other girls promptly steal my nickname for her as Jillian calls her "Big Eyes" and everyone snickers cause, well...you know. The brilliant editors seize the opportunity to focus primarily on Amanda's round, sparkly peepers in closeup after closeup, and airing only the parts of her private confessionals that include references to "googoo eyes" and her affinity for staring.

Chris Harrison comes back to steal AFFB away from the ladies, and surprises him with-you guessed it-ANOTHER FIFTEEN WOMEN! Chaos ensues inside the mansion, as girls claw their way to the windows to see their competition and tear their own extensions out in fits of rage.

They promptly turn into high school seniors and refuse to be friendly to the first "new" woman who walks in the room. This actually creates a really interesting dynamic between the two sets of women, as the first fifteen are instinctively protective of their own, and the new women are utterly clueless as to what is going on. We shall see how this plays out in the upcoming weeks!

Jillian in particular is getting angrier and angrier, most likely because of the sheer amount of steroids natural vitamins coursing through her veins. Girl after girl enters the party as the first batch of ladies continues to drink copious amounts of white wine and loudly whine. We have an entrance on a motorcycle, a flight attendant with a seatbelt demonstration, and poor Nicole who somehow got the notion that wearing a pig nose to meet AFFB would win him over. As Ashley I. so astutely states, "I don't think Chris even HAS pigs on his farm, so she should have done her research." Good point, Ashley I. You must be an excellent Freelance Journalist.

Then we have Brittany, our resident WWE Diva. Because what's a dating show without a WWE Diva? Nothing to see here.

Carly (Cruise Ship Singer) steps out of the limo looking like she meant to compete in the toddler pageant next door, but somehow ended up in Bachelor-land and realized "Ooh, I have my cotton candy pink portable Karaoke machine with me! I should sing." And she does. The last limo pulls up, bringing the total number of contestants to a whopping thirty, the highest ever in Bachelor history. This limo includes Tracy, a fourth grade teacher who I instantly put in the Yes column, and Bo, a gorgeous plus-size model.

Things start to get messy as the hour grows ever later. Girls are starting panic, which doesn't mix well with a seventeen-hour open bar. Ashley S. seems to have found the REALLY good stuff, as she is busy frolicking in THE BACHELOR gardens, sermonizing about onions. Yes, onions. She picks a yellow flower and offers it the WWE Diva talking to Chris in exchange for some time with him. I think we have found our resident space cadet. More onion madness follows, with shoutouts to sunflower fields and pomegranates. This is potentially the best day of my life.

Tara, the Sports Fishing Enthusiast, has been drinking Jack on the Rocks all night and has earned the title of "That Drunk Girl." AFFB finally picks up the slightly wilted First Impression Rose and hands it to....Britt! This is clearly a girl who is out to get what she wants, and this exchange ends with the earliest first romantic kiss ever on The Bachelor. I declare Britt a very early frontrunner, but I still don't believe she is 1000% sincere.

Rose Ceremony time!!! As I am on vacation in St. Lucia at the moment, reenacting my own Bachelorette fantasy dates, I shall hand the rest of this recap over to my esteemed BroadwayWorld TV colleague, Matt Tamanini. Gotta go lay by the pool with my hot fiancée now :)

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Since Patti is lounging in the Caribbean, and ABC didn't provide the Rose Ceremony in the advance press screener, I am stuck watching THE BACHELOR season premiere to finish off this recap. There are very few people in the world I would subject myself to this for, fortunately, the one and only Lysistrata Jones is one of them. But no more vacations during BACHELOR season, ok Patti?

In his first round of roses, Chris kept Kaitlyn, Jade, Samantha, Ashley I., Tandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Megan, Alissa, Amber, Juelia, Becca, and Trina. Then, after a brief convo with Chris Harrison, the most charming Iowan since Harold Hill gave out roses to Mackenzie, Tracy, Tara, Jordan, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, and Ashley S.

That of course means that he is kicking Reegan, Michelle, Nicole, Amanda, Bo, Kara, Kimberly, and the resident WWE Diva, Brittany to the curb. From the shirtless shower shots, we know you are buff Chris, but do you really want to be ticking off a woman who bodyslams people for a living?

After the Rose Ceremony, we got a live update on some of our BACHELOR and BACHELORETTE favorites (or at least I am assuming they are favorites since I'm only watching this for Patti's sake). Sean and Catherine are still married and in love (yea, it worked!). Des and Chris (does this show have a thing about guys named Chris?) are gettinghitched in a few weeks, and Andi and former professional baseball player Josh have been too busy being beautiful to start planning their wedding yet. Also, Nikki wanted everyone to know that Juan Pablo (I assume that is Venezuelan for Chris) is really a good person, and even though they tried, they just wanted different things out of life. I hear you sister.

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So, after the first episode of the season, are you going to give this Iowan a try? Well, I know someone who will, the phenomenally talented Patti Murin will be back here every week to recap all of the ridiculous drama that is THE BACHELOR. You can follow here on Twitter @PattiMurin.

Photo Credit: Rick Rowell | ABC