BWW Blog: Kathryn Mowat Murphy - Trust

TRUST (reliance on another person or entity)

In the freelance world, managing finances can be challenging. I've been dealing with this task my entire working life. I'm usually a pretty good juggler, but this week I found all my balls in the air and my hands tied behind my back. Due to some bad timing of input and output, I was faced with being completely and utterly without any cash, and it was a holiday weekend. AWESOME!!!I was going to have to rely on the gifts of the universe to feed me and take care of me until the cash flow began again. I had next to nothing in the refrigerator and the cupboards were bare... zilch, nada....No prospects of cash in my immediate future, most bills were paid and all my invoices were completely up to date, so nothing would come in for a few days, maybe even a week. Weirdly, I did not panic. Maybe I was beginning to lose my mind; they say the insane have no worries. I had no idea where I would get my next meal. I only had 20 bucks left, and I wanted to go to ballet class.

I know most of you know what this feels like. I sit and ponder what to do. I just get up. I trust I will be given everything I need for the weekend. And so it begins. My weekend of trust.

I go to the bus with a metro card my friend gave me who has gone out of town for the holiday weekend. Transportation covered.

I have water and enough coins for a couple of bananas.
Breakfast covered.

I DO go to ballet class. The weather had called for torrential down pours and hail. I didn't have an umbrella, so I just hope for the best. I exit the dance studio after class, and it is pouring down. I go back up stairs to get my jacket, and, by the time I go back out again, the rain has completely stopped.

Cool.

Weather covered.

I make my way to Yoga. My favorite teacher, Eddie, is there, and I find out I have a $20 dollar rewards on my account. Shut up! Really!! Now I can have a zico and a smoothie afterwards. All is going great. I get a fantastic butt kicking in yoga and still no worry or panic about my situation. This is what I love about the yoga I do, as its stops me thinking. A rare, but welcomed 90 minutes. During the yoga class the rain is back with a force, but as soon as I step outside, it magically stops. As I walk to the bus, I take the good luck I have received as too good to be true, and I begin to worry a tiny little bit. The rain spots begin, slowly at first, then the skies open up and the downpour begins. I just make it to the shelter of the bus stop, which is packed with people, but, for some reason, there is an empty seat. I sit and realize I am being shown the light at the end of a dark cloud. Now, at this point, you may be thinking, yeah yeah, this is all just a coincidence. No so naysayers I am being shown that if I have even a small amount of wavering trust and worry today, I will be plummeted with a soaking rain. I get home and I prepare for my KatMoJAM class. At this point, I have only had a couple of small bananas, and I'm starving. I have bread and peanut butter. A gourmet meal

I'm not much into hoarding, but take my advice: have peanut butter and bread in the house ALWAYS!

On my way down to class, I started to think what it must be like to be homeless and have nothing. Hang on, this is kind of close. I shake my head and realize, no, this is just a weekend of trying circumstances. We are, however, faced with this everyday here in New York, but, like death, we just don't' think about it. This is a city of extremes and anything is possible, good and bad. We, as artists, are put to the test all the time. It is a matter of how much of the unknown, or lack of having and owning things we can take. Recently, I was speaking to some relatively, young struggling singers who told me they wanted a nice house, a car, and to go on vacation whenever they wanted--without having to worry about paying the next bill. They did not speak about the next song they wanted to write, or their desire to change the world with their voice. They wanted things. My thought: be a producer. Listening to them I realized I have never wanted 'things.' I am a gypsy. Of course, it would be great to know what's coming up, but if constants are important we would work in an office, get regular paychecks, and have a normal weekend. I never yearned for the weekend, as I have never needed one, because each day I get to do what I love. Yes, there are days, or weeks, of "Oh My God," how will I pay my bills. Sure, maybe over the years we have had to reach out to family or close friends for help, or take that bar mitzvah gig (always a well paying one, I might add), but, ultimately, if you stay strong, everything will come to you. Maybe not everything you want, but definitely everything you need. There will be a time when you will be able to give back to those who have helped you, or give help to someone else. I recently listened to the acceptance speech from a friend of mine who had just won an award for his amazing part in a new hit Broadway show. One thing that struck me was his thankfulness for a particular person who had plucked him back out of obscurity. He, too, had been in those shoes of 'what next,' and here he was back and better that ever.

Don't give up. Plow through and spread the light.

To continue, I am at the studios where I teach KatMoJAM, and, low and behold, someone during the day had an event, and there is a bunch of left over fresh, untouched, sandwiches and salads. Holla! I tell the desk staff that I will take them off their hands, for which they are eternally grateful

Class was amazing, people were sweating and burning calories and getting buff! I go home happy. But wait--I don't have any chardonnay in the fridge. I always enjoy a sensible glass of Chard when I am on my computer at the end of my day. Alas, this is not to be, or is it. I am walking down to the subway, and, out of the corner of my eye, I see paper on the ground; nothing unusual about that but this paper had presidents on it. I stop and just stare, and can't quite comprehend what is in front of me. There are three fivers on the ground just hanging out!!!! WHAT! I look around, and no one is there. I start to laugh and pick it up, still looking around to see if I can give it back to whoever dropped it. There was no one. I walk on to the train giggling, and I am sure that all those around me think I'm crazy. I cannot take the smile off my face. As soon as I get off the train I walk directly to the liquor store and get my chardonnay of choice. I know what you are thinking: if you only have limited funds why waste them on luxuries. Funny, that's what my ex husband would always ask. I will give you the same answer I gave him: pack as much as you can into each moment and enjoy it. I had been given another gift, take it and enjoy. My ex would always try and tell me to spread it out and enjoy a third of the moment, but have many thirds. I choose to have full moments without the worry of when my next will be.

Just my way.

Some of you may feel I am a little irresponsible and not living in reality. I really don't care. I know I will do my best to always live life doing what I enjoy. My dad is part of the reason for that. He died very young, and he will always be an inspiration to me. "No regrets kid, just attempts," he used to say to me, "lots of stuff will fail, but keep throwing things against the wall and eventually something will stick."I still have a whole weekend to go, but I feel it's going to be great.

I am teaching again next week and have just signed my summer contract. All is well.
The moral of my story this week is just live and do your thing. If you believe yourself to be a true artist, stick to your guns. It will all become clear. I want to do a special shout out to teacher and choreographer, Debbie Roshe (my sister in Jazz), who allows me to be a guest in her dance class. I love her for it, and it's at times like these when I need it.

Many thanks also to Hope Albrecht Klein, a dear friend who has always been there for me and my crazy endeavors.

This is my life, and I have no fear of failing as I am attempting.

Keep attempting folks.

Hope you had a great Memorial Day, I did.

Photo Credit: Steve Vaccariello

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