Highlights from SNL's 'Weekend Update', 10/25

Below, check out highlights from NBC's SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE with Colin Jost and Michael Che from the October 25, 2014 broadcast.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST - "On Thursday, officials confirmed the first case of EBOLA in New York. So, it's official, New York City has all the diseases."

JOST - "According to reports before the New York City doctor diagnosed with EBOLA began showing symptoms he went for a run, visited the Highline, then took three different subways and went to a bowling alley in Brooklyn. This dude did more in a day with EBOLA than I've done all month. I'm starting to think he doesn't have Ebola, but more like he just drank a Red Bull. I'm just kidding. Red Bull is way worse for you."

JOST - "And now owners of the Brooklyn bowling alley where the New York doctor with EBOLA visited are having the entire facility professionally cleaned. Thus making it no longer technically a bowling alley."

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE - "According to a new phone poll, 45 percent of Americans are concerned that they'll get Ebola. The other 55 percent wouldn't answer the phone because they thought that might be the way you get Ebola."

CHE - "I'm sick of the EBOLA panic. I mean, where have I heard this before. It's mostly white people afraid of it. But it's killing mostly black people. Kinda like black people. I'm not saying black people are like Ebola. I'm saying we're treated the same. I mean nobody thinks about us until we show up in your neighborhood at your favorite bowling alley and go home with a few white girls. And then it's, 'Oh we gotta do something about this.'"

JOST - "A new report was released this week accusing UNC of more than 18 years of academic fraud involving more than 3000 student athletes. UNC student athletes refuted the report calling it both ungood and distrue."

JOST - "Peyton Manning this week broke Brett Favre's NFL record when he threw his 509th touchdown pass. Farve sent Manning a congratulatory text just as soon as he finished writing, "Good Job" on his penis."

CHE - "A bakery in Texas has created a new dessert that is a pumpkin pie inside of a pumpkin spiced cake that is on top of a pecan pie inside a chocolate cake and topped by an apple pie inside a cake. It's what Texans are calling, 'diet cake.'"

CHE - "According to a new study of fossils, the act of sex used by humans was pioneered by ancient armored fish called placoderms about 385 million years ago -- but it wasn't perfected until last night by yo mama."

JOST - "A nurse in New Jersey won a Lay's potato chip CONTEST by creating the new flavor of Wasabi Ginger. Which sounds less like a chip flavor and more like something Joe Biden would accidentally call the Chinese Ambassador."

JOST - "An Illinois woman has purchased 52 boxes of a pumpkin spice latte mix, which is enough to last an entire year and no need to Google it -- she's white."

CHE - "A school employee in Texas was arrested after he allegedly brought brass knuckles and a meth pipe to school. In his defense, he was planning on teaching someone a lesson."

CHE - "A woman in China spent an entire week at a local KFC because she was depressed after breaking up with her boyfriend. A boyfriend who, needless to say, dodged that bullet."

JOST - "TLC has canceled the reality show, "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" after it was reported that Mama June is dating a convicted sex offender. Even though 'convicted sex offender' is the show's key demographic."

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