Student Blog: Taking A Break

After my first year of college, I was able to earn my AA degree this spring– big thanks to my AP and dual enrollment credits. But, while this does make me ‘ahead of the game,’ it also forces me to make decisions faster. What do I want to major in? What should I minor in? What should I spend my next two years investing in? While a degree does not define what you do with your life, getting the degree is a huge investment– of time, work, and money. 

Last year I had such a difficult time adjusting to my school, its community, its curriculum, its location– everything. I kept trying to convince myself that I liked it, that its pros outnumber its cons. But I eventually reached my breaking point, I was all out of excuses and reasons why I ‘was where I was supposed to be.’ 

That’s what they tell every high school senior who can’t go to their dream school. 

I realized that I didn’t belong at this college. I didn’t have that feeling that all my friends who ‘love their school’ felt on their first day. So, I applied to transfer to another school. I got in, found housing, and was all signed up for orientation by the middle of this summer. I was ready. I drove up for orientation, I had a hotel booked, a tank full of gas, and all my required forms submitted so that I could register for classes. But once I took my exit and arrived in college town, my heart sank. I tried to lift it back up into my chest. “Location isn’t everything, it is fine. You are here for academics not to live.” I arrived at my hotel, learned I had to be twenty-one to check in, cried my eyes out explaining I’d just driven over four hours to get there, and called my stepdad so he could confirm to the front desk lady that he knew I was there, and finally checked into my room. After that rollercoaster of emotions, my true fears began to bubble up. That night I’d only gotten a couple hours of sleep before I had to report to the student union at 7 am. The second I was dismissed from orientation I ran to my car and began my drive home. That night I cried my eyes out. I could feel my anxiety inching up my throat, threatening to come out and make me vomit up my $12.50 orientation lunch. 

I slept in the bathroom that night. I woke up with puffy eyes but not puffy enough to be swollen. So I cried more that morning and my tears stayed with me for weeks. I wanted my tears to build up, to swell my eyes shut so I couldn’t see the reality I’d signed myself up for. But no matter how hard I cried, I couldn’t make it go away, but I learned that that was what I needed. I needed to take a break. I needed to figure out what I wanted and not cry about what I didn’t. 

Within the final weeks of the summer, I managed to relet my apartment and drop out of my classes. And now I just need to breathe. 

It is easier to get caught in the rat race than to fear it. Getting ahead is a good thing, but before you do the ‘what,’ it is good to know the ‘why.’

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