Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON

Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, September 2 - September 5

Welcome to the Tonight Show! I'm your host, FORMER iCloud user Jimmy Fallon. (From now on, even my DOG'S wearing pants. I don't care what happens.)

Of course, that's the big story. Over the weekend a hacker got into Apple's iCloud and leaked nude photos of several celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence and Kim Kardashian. Jennifer wants to sue the hacker for damages, while Kim wants to PAY the hacker for his trouble. ("He beat me to it! I was planning on doing that.")

It's pretty serious. In fact, the FBI is now investigating the celebrity nude photo scandal. Marking the first time those shirts that say "Female Body Inspector" are actually RIGHT.

I saw that kids all over the country are going back to school this week. Yep, it's that special time of year when moms can get back to drinking wine out of a glass instead of a Gatorade bottle. "This is their new grape flavor. Just for mommies. Go ride the swings."

Yeah, kids everywhere are going back to school. Well, GIRLS are going back - boys are still recovering from all the hacked photos of actresses they checked out over the weekend. (VOICE CRACK) "I've never been so dehydrated!"

And get this, I read that the New York City Council has voted on a new measure to give the city's school bus drivers a raise. You can tell the bus drivers are happy - today, I actually saw a bus come to a full stop to let a kid off. (DRIVING, OPEN DOOR) "Tuck and roll, Bobby!" (KICK, CLOSE DOOR, SMOKE CIGARETTE) "This guy's gotta get home to see Judge Joe Brown!"

Some big sports news. Over the weekend, the St. Louis Rams cut Michael Sam, who was the NFL's first openly gay player. Some experts say the Rams might've been worried Sam would distract from the team's performance. Then the Jets were like, "If that's the case, we'll take him!" (Can he juggle?)

Let's get to some politics here. Texas Senator Ted Cruz has invited President Obama to play golf on the U.S.-Mexico border. Cruz thought it was a funny way to point out problems the President hasn't fixed yet. While Obama was like, "So are we playing or not?"

This is cool. I read that Pope Francis will officiate the weddings of 20 couples at the Vatican later this month. The Pope said he chose to officiate the weddings out of the goodness of his heart - and cuz it gets him out of buying a gift. "What do you want? I did the whole thing."

Yeah, Pope Francis will officiate the weddings of 20 couples at the Vatican. Or as he put it, (SIGH) "Always a pope, never a bride." (CRYING) "Not now, I don't wanna talk about it."

This is pretty amazing. A woman in Mexico claims that she turned 127 years old over the weekend, which would make her the oldest person who has ever lived. She says she's still pretty happy, but worried that she's still single and almost in her 130s.

Unfortunately, officials say it's hard to confirm her age cuz she lost her birth tablet in the great flood.

And finally, this is pretty interesting. A new study found that having a plant at your desk can actually increase your productivity at work. You know unless that plant is only legal in Colorado and Washington.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.3.14

President Obama will attend a NATO summit in Wales this week, with 67 other world leaders. He's trying to project strength, so the White House says he'll be wearing his toughest shade of tan suit. (Between a hazelnut and a sesame - very intimidating.) It'll be at a 2 setting on the toaster. Why even have that setting? It's just warm bread! I want my toast to feel like it was almost toasted.

That's right, President Obama will be at a NATO summit, where he will discuss the recent actions of Vladimir Putin, who wasn't invited. Then Putin said (PUTIN) "Has that ever stop me before? (ENTER) Hello boys, nice meeting you have here! Was I supposed to wear shirt?"

Speaking of football. Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker has been suspended for reportedly taking the drug ecstasy at the Kentucky Derby. Well, he THOUGHT he was at the Kentucky Derby - turns out it was just a merry-go-round at the park. (HIGH) "$500 on the beautiful pink horse! I love you!"

And get this, there's another hacking scandal. Home Depot is now investigating the hack of its customers' credit card information. They would have targeted Home Depot EMPLOYEES too, but the hackers couldn't find any. "Do you work here? Do you? You're shopping? Should I just check MYSELF out? Should I lock up?"

Well, more trouble for Justin Bieber. He was just charged with assault over an incident in Canada where he got into a fight after crashing his ATV into a guy's van. Bieber said, "You ruined my ATV!" Then Rob Ford said, "You ruined my house!"

And this is pretty crazy. In a new interview, Beyonce's father Mathew Knowles said that Jay-Z's elevator fight with her sister was staged to help boost publicity. People were shocked - they were like, "Beyonce and Solange's father is named MATHEW?? (You think it would be, like, Starship or something.)

This is pretty intersting. Researchers in Japan have created a two-legged robot that can walk at almost three miles an hour. Or as we call that in New York, "a tourist." (SLOW WALK/LOOK AT BUILDINGS) "Is that the Chrysler Building? Statue of Liberty?"

This is cool. I read that Los Angeles is considering a new plan to boost the city's minimum wage to 13 dollars and 25 cents an hour. It's getting huge support across the entire country. Of Mexico.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.4.14

Some big TV news. ABC just announced that Rosie Perez will join Rosie O'Donnell and Whoopi Goldberg as the new co-hosts of "The View." Which explains the show's new sponsor: Bose noise-canceling headphones.

To get ready for the show, Rosie is buying some new clothes, while Whoopi is buying a LOT of weed.

I'm really excited to hear Rosie's take on the news - just to hear her say "Ukraine". (ROSIE PEREZ) "Did you hear Ukraine was invaded by Putin? That's so stupid! That's so stupid. Putin is stupid! Putin is stupid! And wearing a tutu. Tutu tutu tutu tutu."

Some more news out of Washington. Yesterday, John Kerry joined five previous secretaries of state at a groundbreaking ceremony for a new diplomacy museum....(STAND WITH EYES GLAZED OVER) Sorry, I just fell asleep saying that.

And while the museum is just a pile of dirt now, pretty soon it'll be even LESS interesting. I like piles of dirt. (DAD) "Who wants to go BACK to the diplomacy museum!"

A little controversy here. In a new interview, an executive at Ikea revealed that the company actually Photoshops 75 percent of the products that are seen in its catalogs. Well, the furniture is the same, they just have to crop out the EXTRA nuts and bolts on the ground and the crying dad.

This isn't good. A new report found that the average person's IQ has gone down by 14 points in the last 100 years. I'd tell you how I feel about that, but I haven't found the right emoji.

Get this. Police in California are looking for a thief who has stolen from the same Costco four different times. They say it could take months, or even years to find him - you know, cuz he's still IN the Costco. "That's enough for today. Let's get some rest and tomorrow we'll search the cereal aisle..."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.5.14

I want to say Happy Birthday to our pal, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who turns 52 years old tomorrow! And this is cool. The star of TLC's show "Cake Boss" is actually making the cake for Chris Christie's birthday party. In fact, I hear he's even making the cake in the shape of Christie's favorite thing: Cake.

Of course, it'll get weird when his family's like, "No no no - you're supposed to blow the candles out BEFORE you eat it!" (How are they still lit?? How fast did you eat this thing?)

Actually, right now Governor Christie is on a trip to Mexico to meet with the Mexcian President. And while he was down there he said the U.S. needs to export more natural gas to other countries. When asked how he plans to do that, Christie said, "Burritos, enchiladas, whatever it takes." I'll do it. I'll take one for the team.

Actually things aren't looking good for the President right now. In fact, the White House has decided not to send Obama to campaign in battleground states because his low approval ratings could hurt Democrats. Yeah, they're only sending him where he can't do any damage - or as that's also known, "The Biden Circuit."

Oh, check this out. AARP has released a new, easy-to-use tablet aimed at seniors who don't know how to use an iPad. Or as seniors put it, (OLD LADY) "How's the cloud security? I don't want my nudes out there!" There's one where the top's off my Duesenberg!

Here's a weird story. A wildlife center in China revealed that one of its pandas actually faked her pregnancy so that she could get more food. I guess zookeepers knew she was faking when they caught her at a night club, smoking. "You said you were pregnant, what are you doing here?" "It's an e-cig! I'm vaping!"

Get this. A company in Washington state called Whooshh Innovations has invented a cannon that can shoot salmon across a river to help them get past a dam. That story again, weed is definitely still legal in Washington state. (STONER) "Let's make a fish gun man!" (SMOKE BONG) "It's a fish gun man!" "Damn!" "No, over the dam!"




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