BWW Recap: Tears, Bitterness, and 'The Right Reasons' as THE BACHELOR's 'Women Tell All'

Good morning, Bachelor friends!!! Last night ABC aired the grand Bachelor tradition that is "The Women Tell All," and boy, did those women tell all. And by that, I mean they told absolutely nothing. Aside from the expected copious amounts of confrontation, use of the word "like," and errant glitter that magically doesn't come off with tears, there were no big announcements tonight, like who the next Bachelorette will be, or whether Chris Soules is really the twelfth contestant on Dancing With the Stars (oh help us all). Unless you count the unveiling of Chris Harrison's romance novel (what?). In any case, we're going Buzzfeed style tonight and making this a super fun list recap. I need to save all possible brain power for next week's epic grand finale.

1) Gallons of wine were spilled during the Harrison/Soules Bachelor Party Crashes.
2) Chris and Chris didn't come to my house, dammit.
3) But they DID go to the house of a girl who drinks whiskey straight from the bottle like a champ.
4) And a party with completely corn-themed food and drink.
5) Apparently corn tequila gives you vocal fry.
6) This specific group of contestants can not wait to yell at each other on national TV.
7) Britt is an excellent crier:

8) Carly needs lowlights, for serious.
9) If Britt still hasn't showered and looks this amazing, I'm never showering again.
10) Britt thought Carly was her friend.
11) Carly is kind of a Mean Girl.
12) Carly, Jade and Ashley I. still do not like Britt.
13) However, Jillian is in love with Britt.
14) Jillian does not have a penis (unconfirmed).
15) Jillian's steroids make her angry and loud.
16) Britt is still crying, albeit very prettily.
17) Britt thinks Carly ruined her chances with Chris.
18) Britt uses the cucumbers from her salads on her eyes after she cries.
19) Maybe Britt isn't so terrible after all. Is she? She probably is.
20) Britt was here for the "right reasons."
21) Britt thinks she was "thisclose" to love, but unfortunately, thisclose is just not good enough. Now go shower.
22) Kelsey doesn't use bottom liner on her eyes.
23) Kelsey needs bottom liner.
24) Kelsey uses big words like "tactical," "amassing" and "warts."
25) Chris Harrison is a gentleman and loans women his pocket squares.
26) Kelsey has no problem blowing her nose on pocket squares.
27) Kelsey owns a new pocket square.
28) The ladies are obviously having some sort of big earring competition, and no one is winning.
29) Samantha can talk!
30) The girls do not like Kelsey.
31) These producers are kinda mean for letting a gaggle of girls gang up on one other girl, even if she is a terrible person:

32) Ashley I. makes excellent faces.
33) High school never ends, does it.
34) Sanderson Poe is real. I knew that before cause I Googled.
35) Kelsey doesn't cry real tears.
36) No, like she literally makes crying noises and motions, but there is no wetness on her cheeks at all. Like, she's a dry well of emotion.
37) The music supervisor on this show is GENIUS.
38) Ashley S. now grows onions.
39) Mesa Verde is a park. "Ancient ruins that you literally crawl through."
40) Ashley S. is obsessed with Mesa Verde.
41) I want to see Meryl Streep play Ashley S. in a movie.
42) Ashley S. likes to ride bikes.
43) "It's so weird. Just that we're all on TV." -Ashley S.
44) Ashley S. is the smartest person in the room.
45) Jade opened up as much as she could. I mean literally.
46) Come on, we all Googled "Jade nude photos."
47) Didn't we?
48) All the girls have read Chris's blog.
49) Chris has a blog.
50) If I drank every time Jade said "like," I would be dead.
51) Half shirts are still in.
52) Kaitlyn is wearing Britt's leftover pink lipstick (thanks Andrew Rannells).

53) Kaitlyn should be the next Bachelorette!
54) Britt can't stop crying again.
55) Britt holds her hugs for way too long.
56) Britt is crazy.
57) KAITLYN FOR BACHELORETTE!!!
58) I need to know Kaitlyn's diet, cause her body is SICK.
59) The audience ladies need better hairdos.
60) Perms still exist.
61) The local LA weatherman looks melted (commercial break).
62) Jade doesn't use consonants.
63) Chris didn't dump Jade because of her nude photos. Meaning, Chris dumped Jade because of her nude photos.
64) Chris laughs like a dolphin.
65) Obviously I'm buying Chris Harrison's romance novel.
66) I already pre-ordered it. Duh.

Well, that about sums up the evening! Some gals take the high road, some take the low road, but in the end, we're all on the same damn road. And it's heading straight to Iowa. Join me next week for the SEASON FINALE of The Bachelor! Who will Chris pick? The charming, lively Whitney? Or gorgeous, cardboard Becca? Follow me on Twitter @pattimurin as I live tweet while simultaneously writing a recap AND polishing off more than one bottle of wine alone!

Photo Credit: David Moir | ABC