Noises Off monologue

[Cordelia Fitzgerald]

Posted: 6/10/08 at 6:06pm

I'm a boy and we need a comic monologue from a published play....any suggestions?! Thanks a bunch my dears!

[dramagirl487]

Posted: 6/20/08 at 1:00am

theres a GREAT one at the end of RUMORS, from the character of Lenny. its AMAZING lemme look for it

I also love this one "Charlie Brown" monologue

[dramagirl487]

Posted: 6/20/08 at 1:02am

This is the monologue from RUMORS by Neil Simon.If you don't know it, Basically its a dinner party where the guests show up to find the host, Charlie Brock has shot himself in the ear and is passed out. The cops eventually come, and Lenny poses as the host to satisfy the cops.

i'd say read the play if you're doing this, it makes more sense.

Okay... let's see... the story... as it happened... as I remember it... as I'm telling it... oh, God... Well, here goes...at exactly six o'clock tonight I came home from work. My wife, Myra, was in her dressing room getting dressed for the party. I got a bottle of champagne from the refrigerator and headed upstairs. Rosita, the Spanish cook, was in the kitchen with Ramona, her Spanish sister, and Romero, her Spanish son. They were preparing an Italian dinner. They were waiting for Myra to tell them when to start the dinner. As I climbed the stairs I said to myself, "It's my tenth wedding anniversary and I can't believe I still love my wife so much." Myra was putting on the perfume I bought her for Christmas. I purposely buy it because it drives me crazy! I tapped on her door. Tap tap tap. She opens it. I hand her a glass of champagne. I make a toast. "To the most beautiful wife a man ever had for ten years." She said, "To the best man, and the best ten years a beautiful wife ever had." ... We drink, we kiss, we toast again. "To the loveliest skin on the loveliest body that has never aged a day in ten wonderful years." She toasts, "To the gentlest hands that have ever stroked the loveliest skin that has never aged a day in ten wonderful years."... We drink, we kiss we toast… We drink, we kiss, we toast...By seven o'clock the bottle is finished, my wife is sloshed, and I'm completely toasted... And then I smell the perfume. The perfume I could never resist... I loved her in that moment with as much passion and ardor as when we were first newlyweds. I tell you this, not with embarrassment, but with pride and joy for a love that grows stronger and more lasting as each new day passes. We lay there spent, naked in each other's arms, complete in our happiness. It's now eight o'clock and outside it's grown dark. Suddenly, a gentle knock on the door. Knock knock knock. The door opens and a strange young man looks down on us with a knife in his hands. Myra screams. (he begins to act out the story) I jump up and run for the gun in my drawer. Myra grabs a towel and shields herself. I run back in with the pistol, ready to save my wife's life. The strange young man says in Spanish, "Yo quito se dablo enchilada por quesa in quinto minuto." But I don't speak Spanish, and I never saw Rosita's son, Romero, before, and I didn't know the knife was to cut up the salad and he was just asking should they heat up the dinner now? So I aimed my gun at him, Myra screams and pulls my arm. The gun goes off and shoots me in the ear lobe. Rosita's son, Romero, runs downstairs to tell Rosita and Ramona, "Mamasetta! Meela que pasa el hombre ay baco ay yah. El hombre que loco, que bang-bang"-the crazy man took a shot at him. So, Rosita, Ramona, and Romero leave in a huff. My earlobe is bleeding all over Myra's new dress. Suddenly we hear a car pull up. It's the first guests. Myra grabs a bathrobe, and runs downstairs to stop Rosita, Ramona, and Romero, otherwise we'll have no dinner. But they drive off in their Alfa Romeo. I look out the window, but it's dark and I think someone is stealing my beautiful old Mercedes, so I take another shot at them. Myra runs downstairs to the basement where we keep the cedar chest. She's looking for the dress she wore last year for Bonds for Israel. She can't find the light, trips down the stairs, passes out in the dark. I run downstairs looking for Myra, notice the basement door is open and afraid the strange-looking kid will come back, so I lock the door, not knowing Myra is still down there. Then I run upstairs to take some aspirin because my ear lobe is killing me from the hole in it. But the blood on my fingertips gets in my eyes and by mistake I take four Valium instead. I hear the guests downstairs and I want to tell them to look for Myra. But suddenly, I can't talk from the Valium, and I'm bleeding on the white rug. So I start to write a note explaining what happened, but the note looks like gibberish. And I'm afraid they'll think it was a suicide note and they'll call the police and my friend Glenn Cooper was coming and it would be very bad for his campaign to get mixed up with a suicide, so I tore up the note, and flushed it down the toilet, just as they walked into the room. They're yelling at me, "What happened? What happened?" And before I could tell them what happened, I passed out on the bed. And that's the whole goddamn story, as sure as my name is -- Charley Brock.

[dramagirl487]

Posted: 6/20/08 at 1:04am

OR this one:

"Nothing spoils the taste of peanut butter like unrequited love."

Charlie Brown: I think lunchtime is about the worst time of day for me. Always having to sit here alone. Of course, sometimes, mornings aren't so pleasant either. Waking up and wondering if anyone would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there's the night, too. Lying there and thinking about all the stupid things I've done during the day. And all those hours in between when I do all those stupid things. Well, lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me. Well, I guess I'd better see what I've got. Peanut butter. Some psychiatrists say that people who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely...I guess they're right. And when you're really lonely, the peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. There's that cute little red-headed girl eating her lunch over there. I wonder what she would do if I went over and asked her if I could sit and have lunch with her?...She'd probably laugh right in my face...it's hard on a face when it gets laughed in. There's an empty place next to her on the bench. There's no reason why I couldn't just go over and sit there. I could do that right now. All I have to do is stand up...I'm standing up!...I'm sitting down. I'm a coward. I'm so much of a coward, she wouldn't even think of looking at me. She hardly ever does look at me. In fact, I can't remember her ever looking at me. Why shouldn't she look at me? Is there any reason in the world why she shouldn't look at me? Is she so great, and I'm so small, that she can't spare one little moment?...SHE'S LOOKING AT ME!! SHE'S LOOKING AT ME!! (he puts his lunchbag over his head.) ...Lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me. If that little red-headed girl is looking at me with this stupid bag over my head she must think I'm the biggest fool alive. But, if she isn't looking at me, then maybe I could take it off quickly and she'd never notice it. On the other hand...I can't tell if she's looking, until I take it off! Then again, if I never take it off I'll never have to know if she was looking or not. On the other hand...it's very hard to breathe in here. (he removes his sack) Whew! She's not looking at me! I wonder why she never looks at me? Oh well, another lunch hour over with...only 2,863 to go

[dramagirl487]

Posted: 6/20/08 at 1:06am

lol not to post 5 times in a row, but i just wanted to explain my choices.

my school has done both Rumors and Noises off, so i'd personally go with the Rumors monologue. The humor is very similar to noises off and if you play it up well, it will show your ability to use gesture, since act II of Noises Off is Pantomined.

charlie brown is an overall good, enjoyable to listen to monologue. not as geared towards Noises Off, but if you've worked with the director and he knows you could fit into Noises Off, this monologue is a good one to do to get over the hurdle of the first audition

[Cordelia Fitzgerald]

Posted: 6/20/08 at 1:13pm

Thanks so much! I just printed out the charlie brown monologue a couple days ago....great minds think alike :)

[Cordelia Fitzgerald]

Posted: 6/20/08 at 1:14pm

do you think it would be weird to take a paper bag to the audition to put over my head or should i just pantomime it?

[dramagirl487]

Posted: 6/20/08 at 3:16pm

i think its better to do it.

i've seen it done both ways, and if it was ever pantomimed, i always found myself thinking...why not just do it??

then you can have your lunch bag and i think its the funniest part. theres something about the bag just over your head that completes it

i would also suggest really having a sandwich, it came off amazingly well when my friend spoke as if the peanut butter was stuck to his mouth on that line. he took a bite and said "and...you always get...the peanut butter (huge bite) STUCK....(pause to pretend like you're swallowing peanut butter)

LOL i doubt that makes sense, but just i'd say really act it out for this one. that wouldn't be my advice the entire time, but this monologue comes off much better