Interview: Playwright/Performer Melissa Greenspan of B+ MOM (An Enthusiastic Guide to Imperfect Parenting)

A Pinterest-perfect mother has spent 17 years anticipating the day she will launch her daughter from the nest. Now that the time has finally arrived, she is determined to squeeze in every crucial life lesson the night before high school graduation – until her perfectly planned TED Talk gets derailed by unexpected twists and unscripted bombshells. B+ MOM is a heartfelt comedy about the parent who won’t let go and the child with one foot out the door - and one eye on her phone. 

Here’s my conversation with Melissa Greenspan, the playwright/performer for B+ MOM (An Enthusiastic Guide to Imperfect Parenting) about the play’s creation and her views on parenting reflected in it.

Melissa Greenspan
Photo credit: Tandem Photo

Thanks for speaking with me Melissa. B+ MOM is described as “part guidebook, part love letter” to motherhood. What inspired you to write and perform this one‑woman play, and what personal experiences shaped its story?

This piece grew from bits of wisdom and advice that I’ve stumbled across over the years. I’ve been collecting them in my Notes app since my daughter was born. I thought, God forbid, I'm not around to watch her grow up… she’ll go through my phone, forever cherish the advice — ok, maybe not. When she started looking at colleges, I became an emotional wreck. Then, during a writing workshop, those notes came back to me — and this woman in the play came into view — the mom character with this frantic need to connect to her kid, which ended up resonating with people. She’s trying to make what feels like a final departure into something meaningful. And as life can be messy and chaotic, so is the woman’s journey to letting go. 

What does the B+ in B+ MOM mean to you? Is it about settling for imperfection, or learning to embrace it?

For me, it’s about learning to embrace it. I tend to be a fairly positive person so leaning towards being “perfectly imperfect” feels better than not succeeding at that ever-elusive idea of perfection. And honestly, I kind of like a good hack. As much as I really do desire to be someone who leads with excellence, if it’s gonna be underwhelming, let’s own it and figure out a colorful way to salvage it. It’s like cooking versus baking. I am not somebody who measures ingredients exactly. I’m someone who experiments – throws in a little bit of this, a dash of that, substitutes an ingredient I don’t have and more often than not it comes out tasting pretty good, and if not, ok, next time less pepper. I see it sort of like parenting, like you try, you test, you throw in a suggestion here and there and if it creates a crazy amount of drama, then you learn it probably wasn’t the best approach to take with your kid.

Melissa Greenspan
Photo by Michael Krulik

How did you approach balancing humor, tenderness, and poignancy in the play?

When I first started, I didn’t know what direction the piece would take me. I just focused on brain dumping anything that came to mind that felt relevant. I also tried to tune into any parenting truths in my own life that brought up some kind of emotion. I was in a writing workshop at the time and for our final gathering we read 20 minutes of our pieces to an audience. That audience’s feedback – the laughter, the silences when you can feel people are really listening – all of that helped give me a beginning road map to where I needed to dig deeper into the emotional life of this character and where certain moments called for levity. The audiences at the Hollywood Fringe and United Solo in NY did the same thing for me. I taped the shows and would go back to listen and watch. The audience knows. It felt very collaborative.

The play’s central premise is a mother’s 17‑year plan to “launch” her daughter. What moments in your own parenting or in the play’s narrative surprised you most?

One of the biggest things that has surprised me is how much writing this play helped me process my daughter’s leaving for college and learn how to navigate this new parenting chapter with her out of the house. I also feel like I’ve grown having had to think through both the mom and daughter’s perspectives.

A big thing with this character is that she can’t shut up long enough to let her daughter make her own decisions… and mistakes. As a mom, even as a friend, sister, daughter (the list goes on). I tend to have a lot of opinions on how to fix other people’s problems. Not always something I’m proud of. Writing this play actually helped me reflect on this tendency and I now catch myself more often before spewing unsolicited advice. One of my favorite moments in the play, which just magically appeared on the page one day, is the moment when my character finally takes a pause – her daughter is in teenage crisis mode, and all my character wants to do is solve the problem. But, instead, she takes a moment and says, “Do you want my advice, or do you just want to vent?”  And the daughter chooses vent, of course. She just needs her mom to hold space for her, to listen. It’s been a gift to have that line running through my head in real life. I’ve definitely used it with my daughter.

The other surprise was that I had no idea I was writing a story about three generations of mother/daughter relationships. In early development, the feedback I got was that the story was really about all three generations, so I decided to lean into it. And through the grandmother, I started to see my character not just as a mother, but as a daughter, too.

Melissa Greenspan
Photo by Michael Krulik

How did you develop the character of the “Pinterest‑perfect” mother, and how does she reflect your own voice and perspective?

One of the things that my character talks about in the play is having made a pledge to herself when her daughter was born that she would let her daughter experience the feeling of failure. And that is a part of who I strive to be as well. The desire to fix things for my kid has always been strong and I’ve certainly stepped in to help on those homework assignments, etc., but I wish I was that person who would step aside more and let the chips fall where they may. 

And yet -- my character still aspires to be that “Pinterest perfect” mom. The fun was fulfilling this need of presenting as someone who has her act together and then looking for ways to color outside the lines and see how she reacts when she falters or reveals too much. Finding the contrasts in her – which really is just making her more human.

And this is all me. I like what I put out in the world to appear as if I have my shit together. From creating an elaborate charcuterie board where even the scattered cheese chunks need to be at just the right angles (I may not measure when I cook but presentation is another story) to overthinking an email that is simply informational -- I get caught up in tone and what-ifs – it can all be sort of exhausting.

B+ MOM explores the mother/daughter dynamic across three generations. What do you think are the most universal truths about that relationship that audiences can take away?

I think one universal truth is, the desire to give advice comes from a place of love. We parents jump in, get involved, without delay, and it’s not to hear ourselves talk -- it’s to help. And there’s also a mix of that anxiety-driven need to over-parent. There are plenty of doting parents out there who think like my character thinks – in the play she says “I know shit and I want you to know the shit that I know -- I want to save you from making the same mistakes I made.” That fear of your kid failing – whether it be with job opportunities, relationships... life. We forget (or are just too scared to leave it to chance) that failure actually builds the resilience they need to succeed.

Although, all of these characters are heightened and have significant aspects that are fictionalized, one thing that is true is that my mother and I tend to freely offer our opinions where they are not always wanted. And to my mom’s credit (I’ll pat myself on the back a little as well), she has learned over the years to take a step back and wait to be asked for her advice. It’s the same lesson I’m still learning with my own daughter. The thing is, my mom has a lot to offer. Having been on this earth for over 70 years – that means something. I’m not sure our society respects what it means to have logged those years.

Melissa Greenspan
Photo by Michael Krulik

How does the play capture both the highs and lows of raising children, and what’s the most relatable part for parents?

One of the things I love about playing this character is that she gets to reveal some things about herself that one might not usually hear from a parent. Even though some of these stories come out unexpectedly in the play, my character really does enjoy the reveals – even if momentarily questioning whether she should have talked about masturbation, or her own experience with drugs, etc. Breaking down those walls of modesty and reaching out across the generation gap is exciting to her. In fact, I invited my daughter to rehearsal early on.  It inspired a really awesome conversation about sex afterwards. It was a great reminder to keep sharing my stories with her in real life. 

And there are also moments where the characters misunderstand each other – those moments when if they just actually listened to each other rather than let themselves feel triggered by an innocuous remarks thing, would go more smoothly. And at this moment in the play one life chapter is ending, and another is getting ready to start. It’s an emotional time. As I’ve been developing this piece, people have told me that they relate to that tension of the child going from dependent teen to independent young adult. It can be very lonely for a parent. I think this play helps parents, and anyone who loves a teen or young adult, feel seen.

The play includes “perfect plans” that “hilariously backfire.” How do you think imperfection in parenting makes for better storytelling?

Imperfection in parents, or just people, is in itself a universal truth. Even the most organized, caring, responsible of us will fall short. It’s a given that we’ll encounter obstacles. When I got married someone told me that I should assume three things will go wrong on the day. It was the hugest gift – cuz, of course, they absolutely did and it was such a great reminder to enjoy that beautiful time even in spite of those issues. Watching characters on stage experience what is familiar simply makes the story relatable. In this story, in spite of her best efforts, the eve of high school graduation is not going as planned and doesn’t that happen all the time?

At my daughter’s 8th birthday party there was a fire in our oven and the Santa Monica Fire Department had to come. We literally had to move the entire party to a friend’s house because I left the pizza box in the oven. Parent fail for sure. And there are many more! Seeing those kinds of experiences on stage just builds more trust and bonding between the audience and performer, like we’re all in it together. It makes it more fun. 

B+ MOM marks your theatrical writing debut. How does this role fit into your broader career in stage, TV, film, and voice work?

I tend to play roles that are comedic yet grounded and have substance. I think this B+ MOM character tracks with that. Every year on my birthday I try to do something to challenge myself, and so for that particular year I thought: “Why don’t I write something?” I’m mainly an actor, so I decided to get out of my comfort zone and see what happens. It feels like the whole experience has just enriched me as a creative person and storyteller.

Melissa Greenspan
Photo by Michael Krulik

And how did your background in other media influence your approach to writing and performing this play?

Whether it be behind the mic or in front of the camera, every time I work on a project, I get to practice and play, reinforcing my performance muscle. For example, with props – they can be complicated to deal with when you’ve got a lot of dialogue -- I recently shot an episode of a TV show where everyone was really collaborative and happy to assist in helping to make your performance the strongest it could be. In the script, my character had not been written with much action in the use of props, so I asked if we could incorporate various items for me to engage with to help make my character more grounded in the reality of what was happening in the scene.

It was so helpful and in TV you’re doing multiple takes so it’s like logging reps at the gym too. You constantly get to use your muscles (and brain) and stay on your game. And in this play, there’s a lot going on with this bag of art supplies, photos, a balloon at the top of the show, engaging with all that will hopefully keep those synapses firing and pay it forward to the next job. And in the voice over and animation world I don’t necessarily use real props but I’m constantly dealing with imaginary items to help with my storytelling.

Was there anything you needed to forgive your own parents - or yourself – for that found its way into the play?

I don’t think it’s as much forgiveness, because I don’t think in those terms, but more just shining a light on the awareness of what I do. As the character came to life and I dug deeper into my own relationship to my daughter’s impending departure to college, I reflected more so on my own shortcomings as a parent. I have a monologue ¾ of the way through the show about lighthouse parenting vs helicopter parenting. When I stumbled on that whole philosophy of stepping back and being a guiding light instead of being the parent who gets in the middle of it all, I was like, yeah, I’m a bit helicoptery and need to adopt more of a lighthouse vibe.

I continue to learn and hopefully grow in this role as a real-life parent. My own parents have been great role models on a lot of what I talk about – in fact, there are a few specific moments when I share their advice. The first entry in the book my character has been making as a graduation gift is actually something my father has told me over and over, “avoid credit card debt.” And there’s another piece of advice from them about relationships – how important it is to communicate, collaborate and cuddle with each other. I’m celebrating what they’ve passed on to me.

How can a person who has never had children - or doesn't want children - see themselves in this story?

I recently did 10 minutes from this piece for a group of people. Afterwards, the first two people who came up to me both quickly informed me that neither had children but still connected to what I was saying. One was an aunt if I remember correctly. I think it’s a combination of relating to that need to pass on your lived experiences to someone else and the depth of love this character feels for her child. Mentors, teachers, and even young adults have responded to this show.

My favorite story to tell is about this 25-year-old guy who came up to me after a performance and said “I never realized that after I hang up the phone with my mom, she continues to think about our conversation.” That felt like such a win. This isn’t just a parent story. There’s room for the teens or young adults to go on that ride too, and perhaps get a window into what their parents or chosen adults think about and feel. And humor is, of course, a great unifier.

If you could give one piece of “parenting wisdom” to the audience - the kind you might include in B+ MOM’s guidebook - what would it be?

Ha! I have so many, I need to write another show! But if I had to pick one: Catch yourself doing things right. Ok, I can’t help myself:

Use a real alarm clock and leave your phone in the kitchen when you go to bed.

Use your professors’ office hours to build a relationship so they can write you a recommendation letter.

When the shit hits the fan, breathe, deal with the issue, re-set, move on.

Write/text/email thank-you notes for little kindnesses.

Great advice! Thanks so much!

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