Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, Week of 3/16

Below, check out monologue quotables from NBC'sTONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, for the week of March 16:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.16.15

Well, during his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, "The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge." Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, (WHISPER) "No it's not. Is Walter here?"

And this weekend President Obama attended the annual Gridiron Club and Foundation dinner, and during his speech he joked that he is getting older and crankier. Which explains why he announced he no longer supports President Obama. (OBAMA) "I don't think that guy loves America!" (We still don't know where he's born!)

Some more political news. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced that both of his sons are skipping college this fall to help with his campaign. Hillary was like, "I wish I had two college-aged sons to help with MY campaign" and Bill was like, (CLINTON) "I have something to tell you. Sit down."

I saw that Disney's live-action movie "Cinderella" - which also featured a short "Frozen" cartoon - came in number one at the box office this weekend, with an estimated 70 million dollars. That story again, a short "Frozen" cartoon made 70 million dollars this weekend. And "Cinderella" was involved towards the end there, too.

Oh this is kinda crazy. I read that a grandmother in South AFRICA celebrated her 100th birthday on Saturday by going skydiving. It's pretty impressive - most people turning 100 usually go the OTHER direction in the sky. (GESTURE UP)

Yeah, you can tell she was pretty old cuz they used her arm flab as the parachute. (It was cute. She looked like a hairless flying squirrel.)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.17.15

Yeah, today is St. Patrick's Day! Which means that tomorrow is St. Untag Yourself Day!

But seriously, I really do want to take a moment to send best wishes out to all my fellow Irish Americans. I especially love getting calls from my Irish relatives to say Happy St. Patrick's Day. (ON PHONE, DRUNK) Pappy Saint Hat tricks, hey!"

And this is cool. Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish America Hall of Fame yesterday. Hillary said she's very proud of her Irish heritage. Or her Italian heritage. Or her Asian heritage. Whatever it's gonna take to seal the deal with you guys. Whatever it takes to get to the Oval Office.

That's right, Hillary Clinton was inducted into the Irish America Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, Hillary missed the event cuz they sent the invite to her WORK

e-mail. Very tricky, with the TWO devices, you see.

Kind of a weird sports story. Blue Jays outfielder Kevin Pillar is out for a week, after a strong sneeze caused him to strain one of his muscles before a game. When asked about the injury, he hiccupped and passed away. Gonna miss him. One of my favorites.

Check this out. Google has created a new game based on "Family Feud" called "Google Feud," which allows people to guess the most popular search suggestions on its site. Or as most husbands put it, (NERVOUS/FAST) "No thanks!" (DAD) "Honey, it's a misspelling. that's just a typo! I was searching for places to get free Asian CORN! Barely legal corn.

Oh this was interesting. Recently, Pope Francis said he may only be at the Vatican for a few more years. That's when you know the Pope is a true Catholic, when even HE wants to leave church early.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.18.15

Of course it's March Madness. Everyone's busy filling out their brackets. Even Jeb Bush filled one out. And you can tell he's running for president, cuz his picks for the Final Four are Iowa, Iowa, Iowa and Iowa.

And I saw that President Obama recently sat down with ESPN and said that he thinks the NCAA should reduce the shot clock for basketball games. Then he said, (OBAMA) "And while we're at it - any way they can reduce the 'being president clock?'

And get this, according to a professor at DePaul University, if a person randomly fills out their March Madness bracket, they have a one in 9.2 quintillion chance of getting it perfect. Or as gamblers put it, "So you're saying I've got a chance! Let's do it. It's not a septrillion chance. I like it."

And listen to this. In an interview in Playboy magazine, Dick Cheney (does that sound right?) criticized President Obama and said he's quote, "the worst president of his lifetime, without question." Then Cheney was like, (CHENEY) "But enough talk - when do I take my clothes off?" That's not what this was all about.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.19.15

During a speech in Cleveland yesterday, President Obama criticized the GOP's budget proposal and said it's just a "path to prosperity for those who are already prospering." Then he paused to wipe his spit off everyone in the front row. "(OBAMA, HITTING P'S) Guess I probably pressed the patience of the people partaking."

During that same speech, President Obama discussed the country's successful economy and said quote, "I'm going to take a little credit." Then the people at the rally were like, "Dude, we're all here in the middle of the day because we don't have jobs. Stop talking about how good the economy is! If I had a job I wouldn't be here. I'd be at worrkkk."

Yeah, Obama discussed the successful economy and said quote, "I'm going to take a little credit." Then the economy got bad again and he was like, "Republicans did it!"

And this week, President Obama was photographed wearing a large black electronic watch that many people believe is his fitness tracker. Then Obama's Secret Service agent said, "Hey, that's kinda like the thing I have to wear on my ankle! If I'm on this side of the fence I can take a tequila shot."

That's right, President Obama was photographed wearing a fitness tracker that features a GPS, heart monitor, and step counter. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden was photographed wearing a necklace with his name, address, and allergies in case he gets lost.

Listen to this. A lawmaker in Nevada just introduced a new bill that would provide pets with medical marijuana. Yeah, weed for pets. Which raises the question - is it possible for cats to sleep twenty FIVE hours a day?? Cuz that's gonna happen.

Oh, this is cool. Just in time for Easter, the MAKERS of Peeps , we love Peeps, have released three flavors of milk, which include marshmallow, chocolate marshmallow, and Easter eggnog. So if you've been waiting for Peeps-flavored milk, something tells me you've already made your own Peeps-flavored milk. (STONER) "If you guys need me, I'll just be having a drink with my peeps."

And finally, get this. The Environmental Protection Agency is planning to work with hotels to start keeping track of how much time people spend in the shower. Yeah, they want hotels to monitor your showers - then Motel 6 was like, "Already doin' it!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.20.15

Yeah, we're still getting some crazy weather. In fact yesterday, President Obama addressed climate change by signing an executive order to cut the country's gas emissions by 40 percent over the next ten years. Then he said, (OBAMA) "And if it fails, who cares? I'll be halfway to Mars by then. You dumb dumb--" Why's he singing that?

Speaking of Obama. It's rumored that he recently purchased a house in Hawaii that was featured on the show "Magnum P.I." Not to be outdone, Biden is moving into Spongebob's Pineapple.

And during a recent interview, MITT Romney weighed in on the Hillary Clinton email controversy and said that it's an example of the "Clintons behaving badly." Or as Bill put it, (CLINTON) "Clintons gonna Clint." Clintons gonna Clint? I don't even know what that means.

And finally, I saw that Amazon introduced its one-hour delivery service to parts of Miami yesterday. When asked what they want to get delivered so quickly, people in Miami were like, (LONG SNIFF) "Are you a cop?!"

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