Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON Week of 11/9

Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 9 - November 13:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.9.15

I hope everyone had a great weekend! I had the cutest thing happen last night. I was putting my daughter to bed, and she asked me to read her a fairy tale. I said, "Mother Goose?" and she said, (LITTLE GIRL) "No - Ben Carson."

Have you guys been following this? Over the last few weeks, Ben Carson has said that when he was younger he tried to stab a guy, he believes the Egyptian pyramids were built to store grain, and that he'd like to get an orange juice with Jesus. He also just became the first presidential candidate to be endorsed by Madlibs.

And I saw that Ben Carson actually owns a painting of himself posing with Jesus. Which makes sense, because Jesus is the only other guy it took three days to wake up.

And in a recent interview, Jeb Bush said that his 91-year-old dad doesn't give him much advice, and instead just drinks martinis and gets massages all day. When asked how many martinis he drinks, the masseuse said, "As many as possible before I massage a 91-year-old man."

Jeb Bush also said that he's learning to toot his own horn a little better. Which is good, cuz pretty soon he's gonna be the one driving his campaign bus.

OK, let's get to some sports news here. Oh this isn't good, I saw that the Green Bay Packers got in a fight with each other yesterday, when B.J. Raji shoved Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. Yeah, they say it's the biggest SCANDAL involving a B.J. and Clinton-Dix since 1998.

Oh, this is pretty cool. I saw that this month, San Francisco is hosting the first ever international film festival for movies shot with drones. But there could be some confusion, since nearly every film is called "My Neighbor's Boobs."

And finally, there were no injuries this weekend after a giant sinkhole, this is scary, opened up in an IHOP parking lot in Mississippi and swallowed up more than a dozen cars. And that hole STILL ate less than most of the people in that IHOP.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.10.15

Of course, the fourth Republican presidential debate was tonight! And if you've watched all four...you do know about Netflix, right?

Meanwhile, Ben Carson recently went on Facebook to offer PROOF that the events he talked about in his life really happened. Which is ironic, cuz people usually go on Facebook to DELETE PROOF that events in their life happened. ("Please take down those party photos!")

And did you see this? Yesterday, Donald Trump said that he's thinking about boycotting Starbucks because "Merry Christmas" isn't printed on its red holiday cups. Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Everything should have one of two things written on it: 'Merry Christmas' or my name."

Even President Obama seems to be reaching out to young people. In fact, the President finally joined Facebook yesterday. Or as it's also being reported, Sasha and Malia finally QUIT Facebook yesterday. (OBAMA) "Uhhh, hey girls! Uhhh...check out this Throw-back-Thursday of you on the potty!"

That's right, President Obama joined Facebook. You can tell he's getting the hang of things cuz today, he posted a long rant about President Obama. (OBAMA, TYPING) "I'm not MY president! I didn't vote for me.

And I don't know if this is such a good idea, but Pizza Hut just unveiled its new "Triple Threat Box," which is a box with three drawers that holds pizza, breadsticks, and a big chocolate chip cookie. Or as Chris Christie calls that, "A wallet."

And finally, a county in Colorado just voted to put taxes from selling marijuana toward supporting college scholarships. And you can tell it's a weed scholarship, cuz it actually pays for 11 years of college. (STONER) I'm gonna switch my major again...

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.11.15

Of course, last night was the fourth Republican debate. And if you thought it was exciting to watch on TV, imagine being Jeb Bush watching the whole thing from his podium!

And after some controversial statements recently, a lot of people had their eyes on Ben Carson last night. And at one point, he said that his 3-year-old granddaughter was at the debate because she said she wanted to go. And also because she's his most reliable fact-checker.

And last night, Donald Trump said that he actually supports Russia's fight against ISIS in Syria. Yeah, Trump teaming up with Putin. Or as that's also known, the best "Amazing Race" team EVER. (TRUMP) "We'll take my limo. It's very classy." (PUTIN) "But tank is stronger. I say we use tank."

The World Giving Index released a report yesterday that found for the first time ever, men are more likely than women to donate money to charity. And even MORE likely to donate to Charity's friends, Crystal, Bambi and Cinnamon.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.12.15

I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon! Sorry if I seem a little upset - today at Starbucks, they refused to give me a cup that had "Happy Thursday" printed on it. (I'm thinking of starting a boycott.)

Let's get to some news here. After the debate this week, online polls show Donald Trump is still in the lead, but critics say the poll is unscientific. Yeah, because even Science can't explain how Donald Trump is still in the lead. (There are no working theories...)

And in a recent interview, Donald Trump hinted that he might consider Chris Christie for his ticket if he wins the nomination. Not to be his vice president, to be his wall between America and Mexico. Still, that's something.

And now another GOP candidate Carly Fiorina is being criticized for repeatedly changing the story of how she met Vladimir Putin, where they met, and what they talked about. In other words, they DEFINITELY met on Tinder. (PUTIN) "Is too embarrassing. Say book shop - no coffee shop!"

I heard that a couple weeks ago, Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz spent some time hunting pheasants in Iowa. When Donald Trump heard that, he was like, (TRUMP) "Why wasn't I invited? I love hunting peasants."

But this was pretty big news this week. President Obama s finally joined Facebook. Or as it's also being reported, Sasha and Malia finally QUIT Facebook. (OBAMA) "Uhhh, hey girls! Uhhh...check out this Throw-back-Thursday of you on the potty!"

Oh and speaking of the holidays, can you believe that there are now only 42 days til Christmas? Which means that there's a special place out there with workshops making toys for all the good girls and boys. It's called China.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.13.15

Of course, tomorrow night is the second Democratic debate! Yep, it's the perfect way to spend a Saturday night. If you're single. And it's raining. And every movie theater is closed. And you only get one channel.

This time, the debate will feature just three candidates: Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O'Malley. Or as viewers call them, "Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Bathroom Break."

Actually, I saw that this week, Bernie Sanders got an endorsement from the American Postal Workers Union. Well, Bernie Sanders' neighbor got the endorsement, but it was meant for Bernie. He'll get it eventually.

That's right, Hillary Clinton gets her hair cut at a place called "Santa's Hair Salon." While Bill likes to hang out at a club called "The North Pole." (I think that might just be a barber shop.)

And everyone is starting to get excited about the final Hunger Games movie, which hits theaters in just a couple weeks. Well get this, in a new interview, Jennifer Lawrence revealed that she has a tattoo on her hand that says "H2O," so that whenever she looks at it, she reminds herself to drink more water. While pretty much everyone ELSE looks at their tattoo as a reminder to STOP drinking. (I'm sure Spuds MacKenzie will be around for years and years.)

And finally, I read about a pub in England that has 15 cats that just walk around, so you can play with them while you drink beer. Customers said it's really fun and cozy, while the bar's owner...has been dead upstairs for months.

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