Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 11/16 - 11/20

By: Nov. 24, 2015
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Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, November 16 - November 20:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.16.15

Well, here's the latest on the election. The Democratic candidates went head-to-head Saturday night in their second debate, where unlike the Ronda Rousey fight, we saw a woman knock out TWO opponents. (Well, nobody really got knocked out - they all just kinda bored each other to sleep.)

And get this, CBS actually ended the debate seven minutes before it was supposed to finish. Or as Bill Clinton put it, (BILL, FRANTIC) "Oh my God, you're home early!" ("This is Vanessa, she's helping me with um...taxes. Get of here, intruder...get lost.)

Actually, data from social media and Google showed that Bernie Sanders was the most talked about of the three Democratic candidates after the debate. Bernie came in first, Hillary came in second, and somehow Martin O'Malley came in fourth. Doesn't even makes sense.

Hey, we're just a week-and-a-half away from THANKSGIVING you guys! Yep, just a reminder in case you need to stock up on things for dinner with your family, like napkins, wine, noise-canceling headphones, a little more wine - you know, the basics.

And listen to this. The Butterball Turkey Hotline revealed some of the weirdest questions they've gotten, and one person wanted to know how to make it look like a turkey has bikini-shaped tan lines. I dunno what's worse - that question or that my first thought was, "Easy - just put a little bikini on it. You just bake it with an aluminum foil bikini. Like the pilgrims did."

I saw that they just had the annual Royal Variety Performance in the UK, where musicians like One Direction performed for the Royal family. Of course, the Queen wasn't that into it - cuz she stopped liking One Direction when Zayn quit. (QUEEN) "They should've let him sing more!"

I also read that in a recent interview, the man who invented ibuprofen said that he knew it worked when he tested some out to cure a hangover before giving an important speech. While the man who invented Viagra unfortunately also tested it out before giving a wedding toast. "I COULDN'T be more excited for you guys! I just caught the bouquet!"

And finally, this doesn't really surprise me, but researchers have found that staying off Facebook can actually make you happier. The researchers recommend waiting until you're at your happiest, and THEN going on Facebook so you can rub it in everyone's face. "I'm getting married AND having a baby AND I just made some lemon bars!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.17.15

Let's get to some news. I saw that Donald Trump went on Twitter and mocked Ronda Rousey for losing her fight this past weekend, and in response, T-Mobile's CEO said he'd pay to see Trump fight her in the ring. At which point, Trump started building a wall around HIMSELF.

And did you see this? In a recent interview, Sarah Palin admitted that Katie Couric's question back in 2008 about what newspapers Palin reads was actually fair. Yeah, she admitted, quote "I had a crappy answer." When asked what papers she reads NOW, Palin said "Hoo boy, I probably should've seen that one coming... (THINKING) is "The Daily Bugle" a paper?" (Yes. In Spiderman.)

Of course President Obama is overseas this week. That's right he's joining other world leaders in Turkey for the G-20 Summit. Which is unusual, cuz normally when people are gathered around Turkey debating Obama, it's just a bunch of drunk uncles at Thanksgiving. (DRUNK) "Not my president! I didn't vote for him."

I think a lot of people might agree with this. In Pope Francis' latest weekly address, he criticized people who use their phones at the dinner table. Which begs the question: who is on their phone while they eat dinner with THE POPE? (TEXTING) "Ugh, I'll be at Hot Topic as soon as this lame dinner with Pope What's-His-Name is over. Uhh he's looking at me."

Actually this is pretty crazy. In a new interview, Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook will be more intelligent than humans in ten years. When asked how he'd make Facebook smarter, Zuckerberg said "We won't, we're just using Facebook to make humans dumber." That makes sense.

Of course, everyone's getting excited about the new "Star Wars" movie coming out next month. In fact, I saw that there's a life-size replica of an X-Wing on display at an airport in Singapore. It seats two people and doesn't actually fly. Then JetBlue said, "We'll take it!"

Hey,here's some business news. Marriott reached a 12-billion-dollar deal to buy Starwood Hotels and Resorts, which now makes Marriott the world's biggest hotel chain. At first, the deal only cost nine billion, but then they celebrated with a tiny bottle of champagne from the minibar, which made it 12 billion.

I saw that this week marks the 20th anniversary of the USB cable. People celebrated the occasion by plugging in a USB cable wrong, flipping it over - and it's somehow still wrong - and then flipping it a third time and plugging it in correctly. What am I doing wrong?

Well, now that marijuana is becoming legal in so many places, I saw that there's now a university called Oaksterdam in Oakland, California that's just a business school for legal marijuana. It's kinda like regular college but with LESS weed.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.18.15

Let's get right to the big political story right now. That's right, last night, Bobby Jindal announced that he is dropping out of the race for President. I guess that after talking it over with family and friends, he realized that even THEY didn't know he was running for president. (SOUTHERN/JINDAL) "Well, I'm dropping out!" "Dropping out of what?" "Running for president!"

But Trump is still in it. He was out on the campaign trail this week, where he ran into a little trouble before a speech in Knoxville. I guess someone noticed that the sign in front of Trump's podium actually misspelled the word "Tennessee" and only had one "S." Or as Trump calls it, (TRUMP) "A naked dollar sign."

And get this. Donald Trump recently said that he's lost fifteen pounds on the campaign trail. Well, so did everyone when Bobby Jindal dropped out of the race. (He's very thin!)

Well, it seems like the holidays are really starting to kick into gear. In fact, the Capitol Christmas Tree is set to arrive in Washington D.C. this week, all the way from Alaska. Yeah, the tree will only be at the Capitol for about a month-and-a-half - which actually makes it the hardest working member of Congress.

I also saw that Hillary Clinton recently decided to make her Myspace page "private," so people can no longer see some of her old campaign ads. When somebody told her she can just DELETE it, Hillary said, "I'm not fallin' for that again!" (Got me in a LOT of trouble last time!)

Oh have you guys seen this Christmas toy that's everybody's been talking about? It's little snowman doll that will repeat anything you say to it. It sounds fun until your kid opens it and the snowman says, (ROBOT) "We'll give this to our least favorite kid."

And finally, this isn't good you guys. Dick's Sporting Goods just released a disappointing earnings report yesterday, causing its stocks to plummet. When asked what caused Dick's to go down, experts said, "Thinking about baseball.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.19.15

In his recent interview with GQ, President Obama said that he'd like to own an NBA team after he leaves the White House. You'll know it's Obama's team when it takes the players five years to pass something.

And did you see this? In a new interview, Tom Brady said he'll never get into politics because, quote, "half the people are going to like you and half the people are not going to like you." Or as that's also known, SPORTS. (Two teams! Half the people watching hate you and the other half love you!)

Hey speaking of sports, I want to say congrats to Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and his fiancé Nicole Johnson, who just announced that they're expecting a baby boy. So it looks like yet ANOTHER Phelps swimmer just won a race.

Hey if you're in a relationship, you might want to listent to this. A relationship expert just told the Washington Post that people who are in a relationship shouldn't reach out to ex-lovers on Facebook, because it can often lead to an affair. He also recommended not referring to anyone as your "ex-lover," because it can lead to people around you gagging. (WHISPER) "It's my ex-lover...lets leave this party my ex-lover just showed up."

And I thought this was interesting. A new study found that millennials are much more optimistic about the economy improving than past generations. Most millennials are confident that there will be plenty of high-paying jobs for their parents.

And I saw that an ANIMAL rights group is suing an amusement park in Louisiana for letting a chimpanzee named Candy drink soda and smoke cigarettes. Meanwhile, the chimp was like, (SMOKER) "You nerds need to mind your own business!" (Just havin' a little fun over here alright? Look away if you don't like it!)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.20.15

Speaking of Hillary Clinton. In an interview with Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, Hillary said that her biggest guilty pleasure is chocolate. Which then got awkward when she winked at Michael Strahan.

And over on the Republican side, Jeb Bush recently hired a speech coach to help him speak more forcefully and emotionally. You can tell - before, he was like, (MEEK) "I don't really want to run for president," but NOW, he's like (SHOUT) "I SAID I DON'T WANT TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT!! I'M SICK OF IT! I'M OUT!"

That's right, Jeb Bush hired a speech coach, and some people say his speeches are starting to get better. Unfortunately, no one can teach him to stop saying (JEB) "Huacamole." (I think we should go to Chipotle and not have to pay extra for huacamole.)

Oh, and a little bit of history here. I saw that one hundred years ago this month, Albert Einstein presented his theory of General Relativity, which explains how gravity works. And it also marks the last time someone actually meant it when they said, "Way to go, Einstein."

And this was just crazy. I saw that a woman in Georgia recently completed a college exam while she was in labor. It got even weirder when the guy cheating off her exam ALSO went into labor. (DUDE) Uh...I didn't know this was gonna be on the test.

And did you see this? Facebook is testing out a new feature that lets you limit the amount of posts you see from an ex you just broke up with. But most people said, "Is there any way to ONLY see posts from the ex I just broke up with?" (That's kinda the point of Facebook.)

And finally, it was announced this week that a "My Little Pony" movie is set to come out in 2017. Little girls everywhere were like, "YES!" and that one weird dude in your office was like, "YES!"



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