Highlights from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S 'Weekend Update' with Cecily Strong & Colin Jost

Highlights from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S 'Weekend Update' with Cecily Strong & Colin Jost

Below, check out highlights from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S 'Weekend Update' with Cecily Strong & Colin Jost.

STRONG - "Tensions between Russia and Ukraine escalated this week when Crimea's parliament voted in favor of leaving Ukraine and becoming part of Russia. "Oh come on!" said a kid with an upcoming Geography test.

STRONG - "President Obama this week warned Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has sent warships to Crimea, that he is on the "wrong side of history." Pretty strong words from a guy who still uses a Blackberry."

JOST - "While speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul criticized NSA privacy violations asking, "Will we be like lemmings, rushing to the comfort of Big Brother's crushing embrace?" Or will we be like Rand Paul, not quite understanding what lemmings do?"

JOST - "Radio Shack announced this week that it will be closing more than a thousand of its stores. Radio Shack's profits have fallen in recent years due to stiff competition from The March of time."

STRONG - "This Wednesday was the Catholic holiday of Ash Wednesday. "Or not. Whatever man," said Pope Francis, before flicking a cigarette and peeling away on a Harley."

STRONG - "Scientists in Sicily have launched a cannoli into the upper stratosphere aboard a balloon. Said one scientist, 'A-finally! We a-have-a the space program!'"

JOST - "A new doll is being sold as an alternative to Barbie called "Lammily," which has the body of an average 19 year-old girl and not, as the name suggests, the body of a cartoon sheep."

JOST - "Colorado has launched a 1 million dollar ad campaign warning people of the dangers of getting stoned and driving. So keep your eyes peeled for billboards that say 'Speed Up!'"

STRONG - "A Canadian company is now selling "Push-Up Jeans," which make women's rear-ends appear larger without using padding. For more on this story, Call SIR-MIX-A-LOT and kick them nasty thoughts."

STRONG - "New York City's Health Department has identified an outbreak of a rare skin infection among people who handle raw fish in Chinatown. Well, so much for the glamour and romance of handling raw fish in Chinatown."

STRONG - "Pope Francis on Thursday confessed to a group of priests that he once stole another priest's rosary cross right from his casket. Responded one priest, 'Okay, I'll go next, um 'dare'.'"

JOST - "Residents in San Antonio, Texas are upset over the name of an Asian-themed food truck, which is called "Cock-Asian". As are Internet users who expected very different search results."

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