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My Three Showtunes

I'm Alive – Next To Normal

Hey Big Spender – Sweet Charity

Just For Tonight – They're Playing Our Song


ROBIN, a 27 year old woman starting her life of independence

TED, Robin's gay roommate

NEIL, Robin's ex-boyfriend

KARMA, an "entertainer"

BECKI, Karma's "entertainer" friend

MARSHALL, the mysterious man


Scene 1- Just Another Heartbreak

ROBIN. (on the phone) No mom…. No, I'm fine. This break-up is good for me. It showed me that I don't always need a man in my life 24/7…Well… Well yes I want a family someday but Neil just wasn't cut out for it. I have to go; I have a job interview.

TED. Your mom is so pushy, I love it.

ROBIN. Well if you love it so much, we should switch. You're me with my pushy mom always calling and I'll be you with no parents at all.

TED. It's not all that it's cracked up to be, Robin. In high school, I never wanted my parents to be around and now-

ROBIN. – "I never regretted anything more in my life." I know, you've told me this before

TED. My words of wisdom seem to be making an impact.

ROBIN. Anything you say, Ted, will make some sort of impact.

TED. Hey, Robin..?

ROBIN. Yes, Ted.

TED. Did you notice that you smiled when you said Neil?

ROBIN. I did not! I hate Neil and you know very well why.

TED. You hate him but you love him at the same time. And don't tell me that that's not possible because it is.

ROBIN. I can't believe this… I have to leave. I have a job interview.

TED. Suit yourself…Go get 'em, Tiger.

[ROBIN leaves her apartment and struts down the streets of New York City eager to start her life as an independent woman when she bumps into NEIL who is the last person she wants to see]

ROBIN. Dear God, not you.

NEIL. Well, well, well, look who came crawling back.

ROBIN. If I were crawling I'd be on my hands and knees.

NEIL. …which is something you're familiar with.

ROBIN. Okay. I'm going to pretend like you never said that and that this whole bumping-into-each-other-thing never happened.

NEIL. Oh, come on! This is our first encounter and you're already this pissed?

ROBIN. Neil! Of course I'm pissed! We were finally going places and then I go to your apartment to find you with… with a prostitute! What more could I say to make you realize that you screwed up and that I'm angry about it. And asking if I wanted to join totally did not help the situation…

NEIL. They're called "entertainers", by the way….

ROBIN. No. An entertainer is someone on television or Broadway making an audience laugh or cry without touching them in inappropriate ways.

NEIL. You touched me like that and I was pretty entertained.

ROBIN. Yeah, but I was your girlfriend not a stripper!

NEIL. Entertainer!

ROBIN. Okay look, I have a job interview to get to so if you don't mind I'm just going to leave.

NEIL. Too bad I'll be the only thing running through your mind.

ROBIN. No, I think it'll be easy to forget about you.

NEIL. Robin, we both know that that won't happen.


Scene 2- Backstage At A Strip Club

KARMA. Becki, I still don't understand why you don't have an alternative name for work.

BECKI. I don't feel like being a two-faced hoochie by having a cheesy nickname like Diamond or the name of a Disney princess.

KARMA. But that's a part of being an entertainer! We get to live this whole other life full of meaningless lust, numb emotions, and fake names!

BECKI. Karma, come on. We're strippers. Don't try to pull off the whole "entertainer" thing.

KARMA. Sometimes I wonder why you're even in this business.

BECKI. You know very well why.

[An announcer comes on the overhead and says:]

ANNOUNCER. And now, please welcome one of our finest entertainers, K-K-K-Karma!

KARMA. That's me; see you on the other side.

BECKI. Don't I always…

[KARMA gets ready for her performance]

ANNOUNCER. And boy, are you in for a special treat. Karma will be performing "Hey Big Spender" from Broadway's very own "Sweet Charity"!


[KARMA returns to backstage]

KARMA. I hate anything Broadway, but man does that song get them going wild.

BECKI. You just know how to sell it.

KARMA. I know.

BECKI. Did any man happen to catch your eye out there that you could have been singing to?

KARMA. Becki, they're all sweaty, fat, wealthy monsters. I would never actually feel a connection with one of them.

BECKI. Hey…I know that voice…That's you're "everything I say is the opposite of what I'm feeling but I'm going to say it in a way to make it seem like I don't actually care" voice.

KARMA. Okay! Okay! Fine! There's this one guy. He's been coming here recently but he just stands in the back. He doesn't even pay for a dance or anything… he just stands there.

BECKI. Let me guess, for some odd reason you think that he's standing there just to see you?

KARMA. Yes! How did you know?

BECKI. Because you say that about any guy that does something out of the usual.

KARMA. But this one is different…

Scene 3- Story Time

TED. Home so soon?

ROBIN. You'll never believe what just happened to me.

TED. I'm going to have to sit down for this. Alright, what happened?

ROBIN. I was on my way to my interview, confident as hell, and then I bumped into Neil.

TED. Here we go…

ROBIN. We didn't talk for long but by the end of the conversation he told me "You say forget but I'll remind you. You can try to hide but you know that I will find you 'cause if you won't grieve me, you won't leave me behind."

TED. Man, does that man have a way with words…

ROBIN. Not the point, Ted! Anyways, just those words kept haunting me on my way and during the interview. I was so disturbed by it that I just got up from the interview and left. I didn't even say anything, I just left!

TED. Are you sure you were disturbed by it?

ROBIN. Of course I was! I wasn't going to be mesmerized by it. I'm mean, hello, he's my ex-boyfriend for crying out loud.

TED. …who you happen to still be in love with.

ROBIN. What makes you think that?

TED. Come on. We both know that you can't get enough of his poetic sayings and lyrical phrases. It turns you on and quite frankly, that won't ever go away.

ROBIN. You're good.

TED. Finally, you understand. Now go find a new boyfriend before you come crawling back to Neil!

ROBIN. You're right. I do need a man but just not Neil. This whole independent thing isn't going so well, is it?

TED. It never does, sweetie. It never does.

ROBIN. I'm going to head for the bar. See you later.


Scene 4- Lily and Becki

BECKI. Well that's a wrap. Today was boring and shameful as ever.

KARMA. I hate it when you put a damper on everything.

BECKI. Karma-

KARMA. – remember? I'm Lily outside of work.

BECKI. Lily, remember that mysterious man that just stands in the back?

LILY. Yes, why?

BECKI. Well there he is walking towards us…

LILY. Do I look okay?

BECKI. That's not the issue here… he could be a serial killer or a rapist or make us into a skin suit!

LILY. You have no faith in people. Excuse me, sir!


LILY. I have noticed you a few times and I'm quite curious about you. Would you mind getting a drink with me and my friend Becki?

MYSTERIOUS MAN. I was about to ask you the same thing. I'm Marshall.

LILY. Lily.

MARSHALL. And then Karma during working hours, correct?

LILY. (to Becki) See? Even he understands.


Scene 5- A Problem

[ROBIN comes home late at night feeling drunk and stressed]

ROBIN. Ted, I'm an idiot.

TED. Tell me what happened.

ROBIN. I slept with Neil…

TED. Robin!

ROBIN. But I didn't know that it was Neil.

TED. Who did you think it was?

ROBIN. Neil Patrick Harris

TED. (laughs) What? Robin, your Neil is short, brown-headed, hates anything that is magic and straight. Neil Patrick Harris is tall, blonde, a magician and gay. The only thing they have in common is a first name, now what in God's name happened?

ROBIN. I saw him on my way home and totally freaked out thinking that it was Neil Patrick Harris. I decided to walk up to him and tell him that one night with me and everything he ever thought about women would be changed.

TED. Wait hold on… were you drunk?

ROBIN. I still am!

TED. This makes sense, keep going.

ROBIN. Well NPH has been my celebrity crush since I was 14 years old. I've dreamed of meeting him and making our encounter something that he'll never forget and-

TED. –So, in order for Neil Patrick Harris to remember you is to sleep with him? That was your plan? Honey, he has a fiancé and two babies… It would never happen. If you want him to remember you, just tackle him to the floor or do a cirque du solei act. Not the point, but if your plan was to sleep with NPH but it wasn't actually NPH and it was your Neil… You drunken egg-shell! You slept with your ex-boyfriend!

ROBIN. I know! I told you that already!

TED. So how long was it until you realized it wasn't actually NPH?

ROBIN. I realized afterwards when I noticed that the apartment looked a whole lot like Neil's…

TED. Your Neil?

ROBIN. Yes, Ted! Who else?

TED. Tell me some good news. Did tonight give you disclosure or something like that? Please say yes.

ROBIN. No… It only made me want my Neil back even more than I already did…


Scene 6- After Drinks With Marshall

BECKI. Wow, you and Marshall really hit it off tonight, huh?

LILY. Yeah…He's so dreamy…

BECKI. You're not going to fall in love with this guy, are you?

LILY. Well, why shouldn't I?

BECKI. Because you are a stripper-

LILY. –entertainer.

BECKI. If you're in love and you also "woo" other men for a living, things will only go downhill. Marshall doesn't want to see you with other greasy men and you won't want to be with other greasy men. You'll quit your job, become unemployed and have nowhere to go.

LILY. I'll have Marshall.

BECKI. He'll get sick and tired of you depending on him and then dump you on the streets.

LILY. All of that just because of one guy? (after consideration) I'll take it. After tonight, everything I ever thought about men totally changed. There are some decent guys out there, you know, and Marshall is one of them. He just knows how to fascinate me. If all of what you just said comes true then I'll make sure that it doesn't and Marshall keeps me forever.

[TED and ROBIN appear in a separate scene next to LILY and BECKI's scene]

ROBIN. He's perfect.

LILY. He's all I ever wanted.

ROBIN. Just one more night…

LILY. …and my whole world can turn upside down.

[ROBIN picks up a picture of NEIL and gazes. LILY holds a handkerchief MARSHALL gave to her earlier]

TED and BECKI. You're making a mistake

ROBIN. (continues to look at the picture) Just for tonight let me make this mistake…

LILY. (continues to hold the handkerchief) Just for tonight let me be somebody else…

(sung as a duet between ROBIN and KATIE)


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