Student Blog: Here We Go Again

Hello BroadwayWorld! It has been a minute since I shared my heart with you.

The last few months have been some of the most challenging times of my life thus far. A lot of my life has clouded my existence and for a while I thought I was alright. Until this past March, I had consistently ignored how much I was truly struggling. I needed to learn the truth in what it meant to be a human walking around this earth, and during a pandemic nonetheless.

I ended up leaving school halfway through this past semester. This alone was such a difficult decision to make. I felt like I had failed. I felt like the expectations my professors had of me was tainted and shattered because I was "giving up". I felt like I was letting my friends down because I could no longer be strong enough for them and for myself. But none of that was true. Putting myself first was only the first step in healing my soul. I could not keep pretending I was alright and that everything was normal. Once I made peace with that, I knew that leaving and taking that break was the best option for me then.

Once I left, I started to prioritize myself in ways I never used to. I went to see a therapist, and started to pick up new hobbies I had never let myself have. I started to read and fell in love with getting lost in fictional worlds. Those are just a few things, but I really wanted to breathe for a little bit.

Another thing that I made sure I tried to slowly work on was my relationship with theatre. Over this last year, I began to grow distant with my home. I had absolutely no desire to do any of it. I questioned if I could still do it and feel the same way I used to when performing. I still have that feeling even now. I realized though that sometimes in order for our seedlings to grow through the drought, we have to create our own water.

I auditioned live for the first time since 2019 a month ago. It was such a strange experience, but it felt good. It felt incredible to be able to perform in the presence of other people instead of glancing at them through a screen. I'll be honest, I was not going to audition. Up until the actual day of the audition I convinced myself that it may be easier to skip it and hope for the best later on. However, I floated down the river and found a place to land for a moment. It just so happened to be the audition room.

I have been given this new opportunity to fall in love with theatre again. I have been given a gift that I had hoped would come for months. Out of everything I wanted to do to help ease my wounds, this is something that was at the top of my list. Performing is my happiest place. It's where I feel alive. I am so grateful to have that back. Slowly but surely the pieces of me are merging back together. Not everything is fixed, and things are different. But that is more than okay. The people we become after the hurricane are worth sticking around for