Quotables From SNL's Weekend Update, 12/11

"WEEKEND UP DATE" ANCHOR SETH MEYERS - "Many democrats were upset this week with President Obama, saying that he failed to negotiate with the Republicans on extending the Bush-era tax cuts and that he caved in on raising taxes on the rich.  Man, if other democrats think you caved, you really caved.  That's like the chess club president calling you a nerd."

MEYERS - "When Democrats this week rejected Obama's compromise plan, the White House took a page from the music industry ... If you're not selling like you used to, break out the greatest hits album."

MEYERS - "Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was arrested on Monday and now all Americans can sleep easy knowing they have nothing more to fear from the bad man who wanted them to read."

MEYERS - "In an interview this week with Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey denies that she is a lesbian, saying, "I'm not even kind of a lesbian." Said Walters, 'I haven't asked you a question yet.'"

MEYERS - "New Jersey's first bear hunt in five years started Monday.  So be on your guard, mob wives."

MEYERS - "It was reported that a number of professional athletes are now seeking to copyright their personal slogans, including the New York Jets Darrelle Revis'"Revis Island," Michael Strahan's "Stomp You Out," Terrell Owens' "I Love Me Some." And of course Brett Farve's 'Say Hello To My Little Friend.'"

MEYERS - "A man in Kentucky has been sentenced to 33 months in prison for threatening President Obama in a poem called The Sniper. And I would guess that poetry" is the absolute 'worst answer you can give to the question 'what are you in for?'"

MEYERS - "It was announced that after 70 years, the syndicated newspaper comic strip Brenda Starr will end. So now the comics page will have room for the edgy, new strip 'Ziggy: Nights.'"

MEYERS - "A new report suggest that men who grow up in the country have larger penises than men who grow up in the city. I don't know if that's true, but I reckon it could be."

MEYERS - "A&E this week cancelled David Hasselhoff's new reality series "The Hasselhoffs" after just two episodes. It's hard to say how Hasselhoff will take the news, but I'm going to guess 'lying down.'"

MEYERS - "A New York City marketing group is trying to re-brand the area of Manhattan below Canal Street as "CanDo." Which would be an improvement from its current nickname 'Fish stink murder town.'"

MEYERS - "A woman in England called police this week to report that her snowman had been stolen from her front yard. Oh sure, the police are happy to get involved when a WHITE person goes missing."

MEYERS - "A two year old girl in Pennsylvania had to be rescued by firefighters after she crawled inside a toy crane vending machine in a mall and became stuck. They were able to get her out safely, but it took, like, 9 dollars in quarters."

MEYERS/MCCARTNEY FEATURE

MEYERS - "A car carrying Prince Charles and his wife Camilla was attacked Thursday in London by angry student protesters who were upset over a hike in university tuition fees.  And if you want to know what they're saying, it's time for aWhich means it's time for a "Weekend Update Audio Caption."  Here to help me perform it, Paul McCartney.  Welcome to Weekend Update, Paul.  Are you ready?"

MCCARTNEY - "I am."

MEYERS - "So I will be the voice of Prince Charles and you'll be Camilla."

MCCARTNEY - "Great."

MEYERS - "Can you do an English accent?"

MCCARTNEY - "I can try."

MEYERS - "And action.  Oh no!"

MCCARTNEY - "Oh goodness me!"

MEYERS - "Ner-do-wells!"

MCCARTNEY - "Ruffians"

MEYERS - "Oh Camilla"

MCCARTNEY - "Oh Charles do something!"

MEYERS - "No matter what happens, I love you, Camilla!"

MCCARTNEY - "And I love you!"

MEYERS/MCCARTNEY - "I love you!  I love you!"

MEYERS - "And scene! How do you think that went?"

MCCARTNEY - "Probably the best thing I've ever worked on."


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