BWW Recap: Patti Murin Recaps THE BACHELORETTE & Her Wedding Rose Ceremony

Full disclosure #1: It's possible that I have never been so exhausted and hungover in my entire life.

Full disclosure #2: I have definitely never been so happy in my entire life. This past weekend, Colin D. accepted my final rose and we said "I Do" in the most fantastic wedding celebration that has ever existed.

Going back to real life has been a challenge, because all I want to do is relive the magic and talk about it to anyone and everyone that will listen. So it's lucky for me that "The Bachelorette" is on tonight, to help ease the transition back into normal, every day life. Except this time, with the best husband in the world by my side :)

So! This week's episode picks up right where last week's left off (I watched last week but couldn't recap because WEDDING!!!), with Ian essentially dumping Kaitlyn in an incredibly offensive and disrespectful way. Sometimes, honesty just isn't the best policy. Instead of spitting out a vague, "I'm just not feeling a connection with you," Ian insists on telling her exactly what he thinks of her, which includes the phrases, "a surface level person," and "I really wonder if you are that shallow." He doesn't think she is there to find a husband, but to "make out with a bunch of dudes on TV."

(Aside: I have to agree. She seems to be on the lookout for a fun boyfriend and possibly a new career in hosting or fashion design for naked people. However, that doesn't give him the right to be so rude.)

So Ian leaves the hotel in a huff, declaring in his final interview that he should be the next Bachelor, and he really KNOWS how to be the Bachelor. I believe his exact words are, "I feel like I am destined to be The Bachelor. They would come out of the woodworks, man." For a man who can't stop talking about how deep and intelligent he is, you'd think he would know that no woman comes on THE BACHELOR looking for big brains, or big egos.

Nick heads upstairs to see if Kaitlyn is okay as the rest of the men just stand around talking about it, and is obviously confident in his unique sense of personal style, as he is rocking a navy and pink bow tie that I would have maybe thought twice about and a wristful of wooden bead bracelets that some best girl friend he used to sleep with probably gave him for good luck. Kaitlyn stays in the silent jewelry competition by wearing a fingerful of rings that I really hope represent how many guys she has left and a dress that is literally missing a back. Nick and Kaitlyn kiss at precisely the wrong time, as Shawn happens to be wandering down the hall and catches a glimpse. As he is both hot AND sensitive, this does not sit well with him at all. Kaitlyn informs the guys that Ian left, and Chris Harrison appears for the first time in eighty billion weeks to announce the ever-elusive Rose Ceremony.

WHICH IS AT THE ALAMO! Just the site of one of the least successful battles in American history, where the ground is littered with the shadows of soldier ghosts and the blood and tears of defeat. So let's hand out some roses! Shawn, Ben H. and Nick already have roses, and the final few go to JJ, Chris the Dentist (who is rocking a crazy purple tuxedo jacket), Jared, Joe, Benzee, and Tanner. Which means we are saying goodbye to Joshua the Welder and Justin, who I swear to God I have never seen before on this show. Joshua's departure is particularly sad, as he stands outside doing his exit interview and can literally hear the cheers from inside the Alamo as the remaining men find out that their next stop is the drunken mistake laden romantic city of Dublin, Ireland! Poor Joshua. Maybe he and Chris Soules can get together and start a Hot Men in Small Towns support group. And perhaps he should immediately fix that hair.

And with that, we are in Dublin! I'm strangely relieved to report that New York is not the only city with dirty costumed characters roaming the streets molesting tourists, as Dublin has a ratty green leprechaun of its own. And no, I'm not talking about Nick! And speaking of Nick the Murder-y Leprechaun Man, Kaitlyn asks him to join her on the first International One on One Date of the season. Nick responds with, "Looks like I got lucky in Dublin" which serves as the grossest and most obvious foreshadowing of the whole series. They spend the day wandering through the city, making out at every turn, and have dinner in a Catholic church, which doesn't stop them from making out even more. They get super handsy, and she invites Nick back to her suite to hang out, which obviously means make out.

This next genius segment cuts between Shawn and Jared talking about how much they don't trust Nick, and Nick and Kaitlyn just a few rooms away closing the bedroom door and shutting out the cameras so they can do things in private. Meaning, like 99.999999% sure they're having sex. Unless when Kaitlyn moaned, "I could get a hold of you," she was actually talking about international cell service. I take a quick vomit break, then back to the show.

Nick takes the longest Walk of Shame the next morning, complete with an outfit change, and avoids telling the whole truth to the other guys when he gets home. Kaitlyn is on her balcony in the cold light of day, trying to be happy about what she did last night, but already feeling guilty thinking about how everyone else will react if they find out. Nick admits that they drank a lot of whiskey, which at last explains how she could possibly lay a hand, her lips, or her lady bits on that creepy creepster of a man. She was drunk. Best excuse, every time.

The Group Date begins with Chris Harrison (twice in one episode!) meeting Tanner, Benzee, Shawn, Jared, Ben H., and Chris the Dentist on the road and informing them that Kaitlyn is dead. But don't worry, it's just for the day! Ha ha, what a fun idea for a date to stage a fake Irish wake and joke about death when poor Benzee's mom passed away when he was younger and obviously is incredibly emotional about this! The guys are each forced to give a creative eulogy for Kaitlyn, which includes some poems, a terrible song and a few jokes about suicide. This is just getting better and better every minute! Benzee is the only one with any sort of sentiment, which I imagine made for an awkward moment without the sweet underscoring. Kaitlyn declares the date a success as she proclaims, "It was a fun wake. It felt like a celebration!" Oh, Kaitlyn. You need better hobbies.

Evening falls, and they proceed to the Guinness Storehouse for drinks and heart to hearts. She describes Benzee as a "super sweet, super handsome nice guy," essentially cementing his failure to procure a rose in a probably very near future episode. She and Jared also share a nice, though boring, moment, and she rewards him with the Date Rose, even after Shawn shares pictures of his family with her. Pictures of his family! His nieces and nephews! Babies! And she still gives the rose to Ashton Kutcher with Patchy Facial Hair! Jared's prize is to take a walk to a nearby cathedral, where they dance to...wait for it...The Cranberries. Simultaneously bizarre and rocking, I have to admit. It's just nice to actually recognize a band on this show.

The episode ends with an upset Shawn going to talk to Kaitlyn at her hotel, where she is shoving food in her face because just cause your date is called "dinner" doesn't mean it actually guarantees food intake. We are left with yet another cliffhanger, as she is sobbing in an interview about the "mistake" she made, and it's obvious that we are in for yet another explosive episode next week.

But wait! Britt and Brady Update! Britt brings him home to meet her mother, who proclaims him "a great new friend" over and over again, which confuses Britt. The rest of America is confused by Britt being confused, and also why we still have to care about Britt and Brady. Let it go, dudes. Let. It. Go.

And that's it for this week's Bachelorette! I'm going to go snuggle with my new husband and thank the universe that I never have to be on this show. Though I think I would die a fake Irish death if it was ever cancelled. And for your extra viewing pleasure, the Rose Ceremony from my wedding, presided by Broadway favorite Andrew Rannells. WEDDING WEDDING WEDDING love you all bye.

Photo Credit: Patti Murin, Clodagh Kilcoyne | ABC, and Pam Murin Lalor

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