In November, Kristin Huffman made her Broadway debut as Sarah (flute, piccolo and sax) in John Doyle's production of Company. The actress continues her collection of stories about a 15-year career that has led her to the door of the Ethel Barrymore Theatre.
VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL?
Since we had all just come home from performing COMPANY in Cincinnati and had the summer to get ourselves ready for the big Fall opening on Broadway, I decided to take advantage of the time to do a little more teaching. Bible School was a new one for me and so I thought I would share it the experience I had with you all.
BIBLE SCHOOL
As a new teacher on the Vacation Bible School staff, I found the experience less than inspiring. It was, in fact, downright funny! Because children are funny! The way Moms cut their hair. The stuff that comes out of their mouths. The clothes they wear. Perhaps that is why desperate Sandy the Sunday School superintendent asked me to teach the fourth and fifth graders during Vacation Bible School. I'm sure she thought I would get a big laugh out of the experience. I didn't!
At first, I was the cool, actress lady who was often gone from church because I had been away doing shows. By the end, I was still the cool actress lady but the word "psycho" was often thrown in when they thought I wasn't listening. Maybe it was because when I was teaching them about the time Jesus got upset at the disciples for not "suffering the little children to come to him" I asked, "And why was Jesus so pissed off?" This garnered a giggly gasp from the children. I think Jesus was in the mood for a good laugh and knew that children were more entertaining than adults. But they never seemed to go into detail on that one in the Bible. Perhaps they left a lot of Jesus' subtext out because we might think he had a sense of humor. But I think Jesus knew that a humorous story goes miles in helping people get a point. So I don't think it was my habit of relating every Bible story to the children's real lives and trying to make Jesus seem like a real person that had them calling me psychotic.
The label "psycho" could have been won the day I saw Timmy wearing his pants stylishly down to about his ankles and I said, "What the hell were you thinking this morning when you got dressed?" That one sent little Margaret into an apoplexy and she threatened to tell her mommy. I explained that the word "Hell" appears in the Bible and that stumped her. For a minute. Then she pertly said that she didn't think it was used in exactly that way. I told her that the Bible was translated from Hebrew and we don't know exactly what way they meant it. That shut her little mouth. Hey, my dad's a minister - I think I outta know!
During the snack hour, I admit that it might have been a mistake to tell Josh that he was shit out of luck when he forgot his lunch money but I get points for loaning him some, don't I? One of the little boys, Nate, was really adorable and so I
jokingly told him he was a hottie and that he should look me up in 20 years. Once again Margaret had a snit and this time she did tell her mommy. I told her mommy that she must have a crush on little Nate and that I had seen her flirting with him when she thought I wasn't looking. Her mommy looked doubtful until I uttered the words "hormones." Since her older daughter, a high school senior, was four months pregnant, it didn't take much to convince her that a sexual drive was somehow at work in all of this. Hey, I was teaching her not to be a tattle tale. Where better to learn than Bible School?
The most interesting part of the whole Bible teaching experience was when I was forced to be a puppeteer and play the part of the Can DO Kangaroo. Before you get the idea that it was anything resembling AVENUE Q
, we had a little screen to stand behind and I stood there with a script and my hand shoved up this furry puppet's ass! The littlest children got a kick out of it but it totally blew my "cool" status with the older ones. That is until the baby Kangaroo, attached to Can DO with a string, fell out of her pouch. One of the little ones ran up and tried to pull it off. I told the kid, in Can DO Kangaroo's voice, that he was a brat and should sit down. I could sense new respect and appreciation from my fourth and fifth graders.
Unfortunately, the bratty kid happened to be another teacher's child. Who says that just because your mom is a teacher that you get to act like a crazy, wild maniac? Where was I when they made that announcement because I was always in my mom's choirs or my dad's classes. Why didn't I know that you could run around screaming and kicking off your shoes while others were trying to sing the "Can DO" song? It is not a difficult song to learn, but there is no choreography called for in which one child lays on the floor and turns around and around in a circle. Why wasn't I told that when you are the kid of a teacher no other adult will have the balls to yell at you if your mom is around and completely ignoring how much of a pain in the ass you are being. NOOOO, I had to sit still and be perfect. I had to sing all the missing harmony in songs. I had to help the sick and the poor. But THIS kid got to be a royal pain with no repercussions.
Good things happen to good people. And bad things to
bad children. Kangaroo puppets Can DO it faster. Can DO is not a Christian, because I don't believe Kangaroos can read the Bible. So according to my theatrical justifications she is able to cuss out a screaming bratty child later when no one is around. She is able to scold the obnoxious little thing with no more regard for forgiveness than a mommy kangaroo whose joey has been ripped from her pouch. It felt good. I mean… Can DO Kangaroo got a big kick out of it.
As I reflect on my gig with Vacation Bible School I realize that it actually was very spiritually satisfying. If Sandy the Sunday School Superintendent asks me, I think I will teach it again next year!
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