Quotables from LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON , Week of 2/11
LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON, NBC
Below, check out quotables from NBC's Late Night with Jimmy Fallon February 11 - 15:
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, "Well, at least he gave me two weeks' notice."
Yeah, Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means...Hillary in 2013?
The Pope said he plans to enjoy his privacy and quietly embrace his golden years. Just kidding, he's going on "Dancing with the Stars."
There's actually been an outpouring of support from the Pope's followers on Twitter - but the most surprising thing was the Twitter exchange he had with the Dalai Lama. Take a look. First, the Dalai Lama tweeted at the Pope...
"Jeez, you sure ran out of steam quick. I've been the Dalai Lama for 55 years. #CantStopWontStop"
Then the Pope tweeted:
"I guess being the Pope is a lot harder than just wearing a bed sheet all day. #getarealjob"
Then the Dalai Lama wrote back:
"At least I don't wear a torpedo on my head. #yourhatisdumb"
Then the Pope responded:
"C'mon son, you know my hat is dope. Don't hate the playa, hate the game. #jealousmuch"
Then the Dalai Lama said:
"Yeah, SO cool - just like your square car. #YOUthesquare #weaksauce #poser"
And then the Pope said:
To which the Dalai Lama said
"Sorry bro. Went too far. Truce?"
And the Pope replied:
Then the Dalai Lama said:
"Oh BTW, you look like a chess piece. #checkmate #dropthemic #Lamaout"
Hey, last night was the Grammy Awards, and Gotye won Record of the Year. Yeah, parents were like, "Who's Gotye?" while their kids were like, "What's a record?"
Get this. Kanye West won three Grammys last night, even though he wasn't at the show. Luckily, Taylor Swift accepted them on his behalf.
And finally, tomorrow President Obama will give his annual State of the Union Address. If you're not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America's problems and Congress says, "No."
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. With Pope Benedict retiring in two weeks, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next pope. They'll send out white smoke if they've chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven't chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out it's 2013.
And this is crazy. Yesterday, lightning struck St. Peter's Basilica, just hours after Pope Benedict announced his resignation. Then the Pope said, "Guess that's a 'no' on getting paid for my unused vacation days?"
Some political news. Tonight, the CEO of Apple and a NASA engineer both sat with Michelle Obama at the State of the Union address. Yep, the president said he hopes it sends a message to Americans that if you can't sit close to your wife, surround her with nerds.
Here's a major international story. Earlier today, North Korea conducted its third nuclear test, and afterwards, Iran called for all nuclear weapons to be destroyed. Yeah, you know it's bad when even Ahmadinejad is like, "This Kim Jong Un dude is crazy, man."
Some TV news. Last night on "The Bachelor," Sean narrowed down his choices to the final four. Of course, we'll know he's made his final decision when he releases a plume of white smoke.
You guys, tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up "being Pope."
And finally, H&M has admitted to using a "butt double" in their recent David Beckham underwear commercial. Even worse - I still haven't been paid.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! How's everyone feeling tonight? Hey, it's past midnight...which means it's already Valentine's Day everybody! And I heard the trend this year is couples saying they don't need to get each other anything for Valentine's Day, because they love each other every day. I think that's sweet, and to all the guys Out There watching...I just want to say it's a trap!
Did you guys catch Marco Rubio's response to the State of the Union last night? Critics are saying that Rubio had a pretty tough time. At one point, he scratched an itch. Then, he seemed to wipe his mouth. Then, he actually reached over and took a sip from a tiny bottle of water. It wasn't good - by the end, I was waiting for him to pick his wedgie and butt-dial his ex.
Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you - it doesn't matter if they're black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward.
President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his address. Or as Boehner put it, "Beats the finger I usually get!"
Last night, President Obama proposed a "College Scorecard" to make the college process easier on families. Not to be confused with my "college scorecard" which just says, "Held hands with a girl senior year."
Get this. A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she got in a class. It's pretty tense. She was like, "I'm suing whoever's responsible for this!" and her professor was like, "Don't you mean whomever?"
Hey, tonight was the premiere of the 26th season of "Survivor." You can tell they're running out of exotic locations - this year, the contestants have to survive at a Best Western.
And finally, this weekend, Beyoncé will sit down for a special one-on-one interview with Oprah. Yeah, Oprah said she's coming prepared with questions for the first half and a generator for the second half.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, Today was Valentine's Day! And if youjust found that out, THAT'S why you're in trouble.
Speaking of Valentine's Day. Ikea is promising to give couples a free crib if they have a baby exactly nine months after Valentine's Day. Yeah, getting a free crib is both a great way to save money and the worst "How You Were Born Story."
Did you hear about this? Taylor Swift's ex-boyfriend, Conor Kennedy, was arrested yesterday for handcuffing himself to the White House gate to bring attention to climate change. Yeah, he's bummed about the arrest, but glad to attach himself to something that won't write a song about him.
Hey guys, Bruce Willis is on the show tonight! He stars in, "A Good Day to Die Hard," which I just found out is both an action movie and Viagra's new slogan.
Some major business news. Today, American Airlines announced its 11-billion-dollar merger with US Airways, to create the world's largest airline. Well, 11 billion and five - if they want a set of headphones.
This is interesting. Scientists have discovered a species of fish that surroundsitself with uglier fish in order to look more attractive. However, scientists cannot identify which sorority it belongs to.
And finally, a man in Georgia was arrested for stealing a Krispy Kreme donut truck and leading police on a high-speed chase. The police charged him with one count of grand theft irony.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. We have a three-day weekend coming up! And good news, I checked the weather report and it's going to be sunny with a chance of METEORS FROM SPACE!!!
Everyone's talking about an 11-ton meteor that crashed into central Russia this morning. It sent shock waves across six cities and caused a lot of damage. Or as people in Russia put it, "Hey - at least we're not stuck on that Carnival Cruise!"
Have you heard about that Carnival Cruise ship that lost power for four days? Well, the passengers are fine - but after they got off the ship, their bus actually broke down on its way to New Orleans. When it happened, one guy was like, "What else can go wrong?" And everyone else on the bus was like, "Dude! Stop saying that!" (Sit down!)
Yesterday, the CEO of the National Rifle Association said that President Obama took the art of Deception to a whole new level in his State of the Union address. Then he went back into the woods dressed in camouflage to trick deer into thinking he was a tree.
Some big entertainment news. It's rumored that 70-year-old Harrison Ford will return as Han Solo in the new "Star Wars" movie. It'll be weird when the other characters see how old he's gotten and are like, "Yoda?"
Get this. It's rumored that Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb are arguing about whether to take their show to LA or keep it in New York. It's not good - this morning, they wouldn't slur a single word to each other.
I think it'd be good - they're already used to drinking three hours ahead of everybody else.
Some celebrity news. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are launching their own wine label. Yeah, their kids were pretty relieved that the only thing they were adopting this time was a hobby.
And finally, a new app was launched yesterday that deletes any mention of your ex from Facebook. Manti Te'o tried it and was like, "Wow, it's like she never existed!"