Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON

Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON - May 4 - May 8

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.4.15

We've got a lot of news to cover here, so let me just be the first to say congratulations to American Pharoah and Floyd Mayweather on their new royal baby! I didn't read the news this week...

A big sports story here. On Saturday, Floyd Mayweather beat Manny Pacquiao to keep his undefeated title. That's actually something I have in common with Floyd Mayweather. Neither of us has ever lost a boxing match. Isn't that cool? I'm 0-0.

Actually, a lot of people were complaining about the fight, because they thought it was boring and failed to live up to the hype. Fans were hoping for the "Fight of the Century," but got something SLIGHTLY less dramatic than a fight on the "Real Housewives." That's what they're saying.

And of course, I want to say congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday! No one is that excited about that second baby. No matter who you are. We already gave you props on the first baby. (No one cares anymore.)

Anyway, the royal baby weighed eight pounds - or around 12 American dollars.

Yeah, William and Kate have named the new Royal Baby Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. Apparently, they looked at a book of baby names and decided to go with "all of them." Charlotte Elizabeth Diana...Jane...Rose.

I read that the new Royal Baby is now fourth in line to the British throne, which pushes Prince Harry to FIFTH. That's great - now Harry can finally relax and let loose. (He just wants to take off his pants one leg at a time like everybody else.)

Let's get to some political news. Today, Carly Fiorina announced that she is running for president. And get this, I saw that someone else bought "CarlyFiorina.org" and posted 30 thousand sad emoticons to represent all the people she laid off when she was at Hewlett-Packard. I haven't seen that many sad, blank faces in one place since the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight.

This is pretty amazing. A company in China recently built a 57-story skyscraper in just 19 days. When asked how many elevators it has, they were like, "Crap!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.5.15

I want to wish everybody a Happy Cinco de Mayo! Yep, everyone's celebrating Cinco de Mayo - in fact earlier, I saw Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao pretending to hit a piñata. (It was more like hugging - but still, it was worth it. It was great. It was the best.)

Yeah, today is Cinco de Mayo! Although, if you're really excited by that, the chances of you being at home watching "The Tonight Show" right now are pretty slim.

I saw that Taco Bell CELEBRATED Cinco de Mayo by giving away free biscuit tacos BETWEEN 7 and 11 this morning. Of course, giving away free food makes them look good, but they're also smart enough to do it when they KNOW stoners are asleep. ("We gonna get up for a taco? No.")

Actually when they heard Taco Bell was celebrating Cinco de Mayo by giving out food BETWEEN 7 and 11, stoners were like, (STONER) "Wait - 7-Eleven's giving out sinks full of mayo? Dude, let's go!"

Let's get to some political news here. Another person has announced they're running for president. This time it's Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. You can feel the excitement. The floor's shaking. And get this, I read that he actually plays in a rock band called Capitol Offense. Not to be confused with Jeb Bush, who recently joined a mariachi band. "Delito CapitAL!"

This is pretty impressive. Bernie Sanders' presidential campaign announced that it raised over 1.5 million dollars in the 24 hours after he announced his bid. Meanwhile, a 12-year-old on Kickstarter just raised 7 million in the last 5 minutes after announcing his idea for Juice Box Water Guns.

This is pretty interesting. According to a new survey, men and women prefer having sex at opposite times of the day. That's right, researchers say that men prefer the morning, while women prefer "not now."

And this is interesting. I heard that loose Wrangler jeans are slowly making a comeback because people aren't buying skinny jeans anymore. Too tight. Don't like the tight pants. Yeah, Wrangler's using the slogan "Life is Comfortable." Which beats that other slogan: "Because you like bread."

And get this. I read that as marijuana legalization becomes more popular, it could actually affect the jobs of drug-sniffing dogs. Or as those dogs put it, "Psh - THANKS, Bo Obama."

Yeah, as more places legalize weed, some police departments are retiring their drug-sniffing dogs. But don't worry, the retired drug dogs have already been adopted by stoners, who forgot where they put their weed. (STONER) " Come on! I know I had a roach around here somewhere. C'mere girl! Timmy's in trouble."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.6.15

I saw that Hillary Clinton made her first campaign stop in Las Vegas yesterday, where she discussed immigration ,and said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, immigrants just said "you know what, we're good...we're gonna head back now. We had enough. We don't like it. Yeah."

Yeah, Hillary made her first campaign stop in Las Vegas. Officials said Clinton's visit would be great for the economy in Vegas - then they said, "Oh wait, it's HILLARY Clinton. Never mind." (You can take the night off, ladies.)

Actually, I read that candidates in the 2016 election are competing in one of the most diverse fields either party has ever seen. Yep we have two women, two Latinos and an African-American. They're saying this is the "College Brochure" of elections. "Wow, this school looks like it's for everyone!"

And did you see this? Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar from the show "19 Kids and Counting" say they are supporting Mike Huckabee for president because he has "common sense." Cuz if there's anyone who knows about common sense, it's a family with 19 kids.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.7.15

Some good news for Hillary Clinton. According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary was like, "Actually I just made that poll up." Doesn't help.

And I heard that Bill Clinton will speak at Univision's network presentation next week and participate in a Q and A. Yeah, apparently he wants to connect with Latino voters in an effort to help Hillary. Well, THAT and it's one step closer to meeting Sofia Vergara.

Oh, a huge sports story here. Yesterday, the NFL released a 243-page report on the Deflategate scandal, and said the chance that Tom Brady knew the balls were tampered with was, quote, "more probable than not". What, did they do this investigation with a Magic 8 Ball? I don't understand...(Shaking Ball) "Reply hazy, try again later?"

Some entertainment news here. It was confirmed this week that Lucasfilm and Disney are set to develop another "Indiana Jones" sequel. They said, the only question was, "Which actor will ruin it?"

Yeah, this one will be a little different. This time, the ancient relic everyone is searching for IS Indiana Jones. He wandered off. He didn't take his pills.

And finally. Google has found that the country's most popular names for girls are Elizabeth, Olivia and Emma, while the most popular names for boys are Michael, James and Avery. The LEAST popular name: "Kim Jong Durst." Kim Jong Durst. (I feel TERRIBLE for that little girl.)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.8.15

What a fun night we have planned. Of course, I'm gonna kick things off with the monologue. Or as it's known tonight, "the Bonologue."

That's right, we have U2 on the show tonight! They weren't SUPPOSED to be here - but when I opened up my iTunes, they just popped up. (I was like, "Cool!")

Let's get to some political news here. It seems like people are being really picky about the upcoming election. In fact I read that Americans do not want the next person in the White House to be a first-term Senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, "Hey, whoever slips through, slips through. No promises. What are you gonna do?"

Meanwhile, the two qualities that Americans want MOST in their next President is being African American and being a woman. So let me be the first to congratulate our next President: Oprah.

Here's a crazy story. Some grocery store employees in Germany discovered over 16 million dollars worth of cocaine in BANANA boxes from Colombia. And somewhere across town, a drug dealer was frantically trying to sell bananas for five grand apiece. (SCARFACE) "The best bananas in the world!"

Yeah, a grocery store in Germany discovered over 16 million dollars worth of cocaine in a shipment of bananas. Officials got suspicious when people kept saying, (DRINKING FROM A STRAW) "Oh my God...this smoothie is AMAZING."

And finally, I saw that a House Panel in Texas has approved full marijuana legalization for the state. Meaning Texas could go from having "dude ranches" to having (STONER) "DUDE!" ranches."

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