I Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled.

[singtopher]

Posted: 1/26/13 at 12:16pm

BY Melinda Taub
- - - -

Dear friends, family, and Austrian nobility,

Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepest apologies to those of you who have already made plans to travel to Salzburg this summer.

Those of you on the Captain’s side of the guest list are probably aware of the reason for the change of plans. I’m sure by now you have received that charming “Save the date!” card in the shape of a mountain goat from the Captain and his new fiancée, Maria.

I must confess to being rather blindsided by the end of our relationship. It seems Captain Von Trapp and I misunderstood each other. I assumed he was looking for a wife of taste and sophistication, who was a dead ringer for Tippi Hedren; instead he wanted to marry a curtain-wearing religious fanatic who shouts every word she says.

But I don’t want you to be angry at him. We are all adults here. “But Baroness,” so many of my friends have said, “you must be devastated. You yourself are fabulously wealthy, so you cannot have wanted the Captain for his money—you must have truly loved him.” It’s true. But so, I am sure, does his new fiancée, his children’s nanny. Her wardrobe is made of curtains. She’s definitely not a gold digger or anything.

I’m sorry. That was crude of me. She seems like a lovely person, and she and the children have a great deal in common.

A great, great, great deal.

Since I will no longer be a part of their lives, I do hope you will all keep an eye on the Captain’s children. I am not terribly maternal but I was very fond of them in my own way and I must admit I am worried what will become of them now that I have gone. I had planned to send them to boarding school, since their education at the moment seems to consist mostly of marching around Salzburg singing scales. I think it would have been particularly helpful for the eldest daughter, who seems intent on losing her virginity to the mailman.

Please, friends, don’t worry about me. While I was a bit startled to be thrown aside for someone who flunked out of nun school, I assure you that I will be fine, and my main pursuits in life shall continue to be martinis, bon mots, and looking fabulous. You’ll also be glad to know I have retained custody of the Captain’s hard-drinking gay friend, Max. Anyone who gets tired of sing-a-longs should feel free to look us up.

Again, my deepest apologies for this disruption to your plans. I am currently sorting through the wedding gifts we’ve already received and I will send them back as soon as possible. The Captain would help, but he is busy learning to play a song about cuckoo clocks on his guitar.

Sincerely,
Baroness Elsa Schraeder




http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-regret-to-inform-you-that-my-wedding-to-captain-von-trapp-has-been-canceled

[henrikegerman]

Posted: 1/26/13 at 12:46pm

Dearest Friends, Family and Customers:

As many of you know I have been double-crossed by Tevye the Dairyman who was to have been my Papa! His eldest Tzeitl is now in a shiddach with the Tailor Motel Kamzoil, and I wish them well.

As to the Dairyman's dream, which no doubt you have by now heard tell of in the village, I have the gravest doubts. The coward Tevye could not face his wife and his community with his dirty dealing and so resorted to such a bubba meise. Even having the chutspah to bring my dear darling departed wife, Frumah Sarah into it.

My best to Motel's mother, Shandle, whom I hope to still see in my shop every Friday morning for her sabbath order: a pound of cholent meat, a half capon and a quarter pound of pickled tongue. It is always a pleasure to serve her and all my loyal customers. As they say in Budapest, Thank you, Madame, do come again, glad that you came, do call again Madame!

That's all for now as I am once again meeting with Yente to discuss further nuptual opportunities. Rachel, the Shoemaker's daugher, she who is almost blind is starting to look very good to me. Of course I will have to steal her away from Avram's son, the little Mizkeit. Unlike Tevye, I will be a man and not blame it all on a "dream".

And I will gain so much. As Yente says a shoemaker and a tailor can be very well-suited machotanim. Not a shred of the calf will go wasted!

Yours, etc.

Lazar Wolf the Butcher

***

challenge: Fraulein Schneider's announces the break up of her engagement with Herr Schultz



Updated On: 1/26/13 at 12:46 PM

[best12bars]

Posted: 1/26/13 at 1:45pm

To all who kin read this here note. I don't rite good but It will half to do since I'm writin' on the back o' this here girly postcard with this here broke pencil.

Don't got much to say since I'll probly be daid by the time anyun reads it, iffin they do. I jess want evryone to no that I do love that Laurey Williams. So she snifs glue to figure out her troubles. She ain't the first and shur as heck won't be the last to do it. Cain't stand in judgement like sum do. Guess I shudda node she'd go all soft for somun like Curly. Don't no why they call im Curly neether. Nothin curly about him, lessen it ain't showin to decent folk.

I'm decent folk to, jessen like you. But Laurey don't see me that way, so I guess I'll half to go and burn down her barn tonite. I jess want you to no she had it comin. You'da do it to, iffin the shoes was on your feet.

This here lass parts for Curly. Make sure they give me that there fyuneral you talked about. Kinda give me the idee to do all this now. So I give yer a nod for that. Take good keer of Laurey if there's anythin left to take keer of when I'm gon.

Jud Fry