Guest Blog: 'I'm Ready to Reveal Who I Really Am': Writer and Actor Tom Manning on Autism & Self-Ableism in His New Play INVISIBLE ANIMAL

It's less than a week till the opening night of my play about me coming out as Autistic. We're in tech; setting up lights, audio and video in the Omnibus theatre.
I'm currently learning how to use makeup to cover the tattoo on my right arm that is the word "Autistic"
And while I do this, I ,of course, end up reflecting on how I got here.

When I graduated from Mountview in 2015 the word neurodivergent did not exist.
It just didn't.
People didn't talk about being Autistic, ADHD or any other invisible condition.
Casting an autistic to play an autistic was unheard of.
And more importantly, I had not yet identified myself as being disability first; I was a person who had autism, not autistic.
So I definitely did not have this tattoo I'm slowly covering up now.

What I did have, is an artistic existential crisis.
I wanted to say how I felt about my condition, but I wanted to be a good performer.
I wanted to scream how there was no place for me in this world, but also sing for my dinner. This is a crisis I have found myself in ever since I was diagnosed at three.
I am made to appear like everyone else and can not say who I really am.
Aka Masking.

But what did this mean for my artistic voice?
I had the ambition to tell my story, but I didn't know how.
Maybe if I framed it with "I'm okay"?
"I'm okay, I have autism, but still okay".

To put it in simple terms, I was very self-ableist.
I saw myself as having no value unless I appeared like everyone else.
Unless I performed as a neurotypical, with no issues whatsoever, I was not going to be worth anyone's time.

The tattoo is nearly fully covered up now.

Back then I was getting a lot of work in theatre.
A casting director had asked me to come in for an interview for future roles.
My agent told me not to tell them about my autism.
He told me that if I mentioned my autism to anyone I would be fired on the spot.
Thinking about it now that would have been highly illegal.
But remember I was self-ableist, so it made sense.

I walked into the casting director's office just off from Seven Dials.
At some point they asked me if I was cast as Hamlet, how would I play it.

What would make my Hamlet unique?

This was the question I didn't realise I had the answer to till that very second.
I said "Autistic".
"I'm Autistic, I'd play him Autistic. There has not been an Autistic Hamlet. There should be an Autistic Hamlet. I will be Autistic Hamlet".
This was the moment I stopped being a person with autism, I was Autistic.

I was not cast for anything after that.

I am Autistic.
When I started saying this, I lost my agent.
When I started wearing the word Autistic, I lost friends.
When I wrote my first script about being Autistic and applied for Arts Council funding, I got funded.
When I looked for other Autistic theatre makers to work with, I found them.
Because I was not alone.
I was never alone.

We were always there but were simply invisible to each other.
But we found each other by saying "I am Autistic". 

Now I have this tattoo I'm always unmasked unless I'm performing.
So now it's fully covered up, I'm ready to perform the beginning of my journey.
I'm ready to reveal to people who I really am.

Want to know how the show ends?
Better come see it then.

Invisible Animal is at the Omnibus Theatre from Tuesday 17 October - Saturday 4 November

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