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Student Blog: Ranking Male Broadway Characters Based on How Much I Would Like to Date Them

A carefully curated list from a VERY single theatre major.

Considering how another Valentine's Day has come and gone and, once again, I was alone, I've decided in the aftermath of my crippling solitude to create a list of male Broadway characters based on if they would be good boyfriends or not. This list is ranked from worst (9) to best (1). Let's begin!

9. JD (Jason Dean) from Heathers: The Musical: While JD would most certainly rope you in with his mysterious demeanor and dark good looks, I think it's clear to any passing fan of the musical or film how incredibly toxic carrying on a relationship with this lunatic would be. Don't let the slushies fool you, folks. Blowing up a high school and murdering the most popular kids in school isn't worth the momentary satisfaction of a 7/11 drink and a wild night with this rogue. Just think about the TRAUMA you would have and slowly back away.

8. Alexander Hamilton from Hamilton: While Hamilton has enough charm to win over entire countries, he shouldn't be able to charm YOUR pants off. While you might be drawn to his irresistible fire and passion for creating the United States government, remember what he did to Eliza. We deserve better than this. We will not tolerate infidelity, people!! This is the land of the free, but not for your SO!

7. Chris Scott from Miss Saigon: Miss Saigon is arguably one of the most tragic musicals ever, so it's no surprise that Chris would fall so low on this list. The turmoil and devastation he caused Kim, as well as the insecurity, anxiety, and fear he ignited in Ellen with his obviously lingering feelings for Kim are far too messy. Who's to say he wouldn't ruin your life too? It's far too much risk to date this handsome soldier.

6. Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady: While his proper accent and condescending attitude might seem like a challenge to be won to those of us who enjoy the chase, this man is nothing but a bigot. If he can't accept me for my Philadelphia-area accent, then he can't accept me at my speech-class-trained vowels. NEXT!

5. Fiyero from Wicked: While he's certainly the most dashing fella in all of Oz, he didn't have to get himself caught between the middle of two best friends, and yet, he did. This man has a flair for the dramatic in life and in his relationships, and drama in a love life is far too much stress for anyone. Personally, I would not like to be insecure that my partner is in love with my best friend, but do your thing I guess.

4. Evan Hansen from Dear Evan Hansen: I would instantly fall in love with his awkwardness and find it extremely endearing, but let's face it: lying is a massive relationship red flag. And to concoct a lie on as big of a scale as he did is basically a sign to head for the hills. While he seems sweet, he cannot be trusted. Run as fast as you can from that heavenly voice and that blue polo.

3. Orpheus from Hadestown: While Orpheus would make spring come again just for you, he would be extremely clingy. He also has some trust issues he needs to work out if he couldn't believe that Eurydice was behind him for their walk back from hell. I think after he gets some therapy and works on himself a little bit more he'll be a perfect partner. Until then, he's not quite ready for the number one spot.

2. George Seurat from Sunday in the Park with George: There is nothing more attractive than someone with a passion that they're incredibly talented at, and George passes that requirement with flying colors. While he may not pay the most attention to you as a person, he will certainly paint beautiful pictures of you! Will you enjoy the posing and the emotional unavailability? Probably not! But sometimes we have to sacrifice a little bit.

1. Jack Kelly from Newsies: Driven? 100%. Good at banter? Extremely. Loyal? Very. Without even mentioning his looks, Jack Kelly would sweep anyone off their feet, no question about it. This man would take you on dazzling vacations to Santa Fe, show you the most gorgeous rooftop views in all of Manhattan, and treat you like his Queen of New York.

Next Valentine's Day when I'm undoubtedly single for the 23rd year in a row, I'll make sure to put on some of the soundtracks that these men are from and pretend I am somehow less alone. What an exciting thing to look forward to for next year's day of love...NOT!


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