Student Blog: My Old Playground

A letter to my younger self

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Student Blog: My Old Playground I hope to not get too repetitive in my blogs, but there is a lot to say about the shy girl who loved theater.

I’m so proud of her. If there’s one thing I want her to know it’s that I’m only full of pride when she crosses my mind. She grew a determination inside of her that so few people around her could understand. It blew their minds every time. She was stronger than she knew. She was so brave and she deserved every part she got. I love her and everything she did. I love the antics she got into backstage. I forgive her for forgetting the lyrics in the middle of “Honk Jr.” She learned so much about herself and she was ready to learn more. She was scared all the time but that rarely stopped her. I forgive her for the rare occasions it stopped her. She said no to improv a lot. She’d be proud that I say yes to it a lot more now. I really want to hold her. She had something really special in her and she believed in the space she was in. She was unapologetic and bouncing off the walls with joy. Nothing could take her down, and thank god nothing tried to.

She played and she played. She was weird and it paid off. She was so free. It was probably the most rewarding time of my whole life. I think that’s one of the feelings I long for most of all. The opening night feeling of bliss and accomplishment.

I hope if I do a singular thing it’s make her proud. I’m secretly scared she’d be disappointed I’m not doing the one thing she loved. But I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to find a sustainable passion. Theater can break you down. I miss it every day, though. Every year I get further away from being in a Sol show playing a Sol role, it’s hard. I think I subconsciously always knew the era would end. I didn’t want it to, of course. I watched people leave, I watched people grow out of it, I knew one day it’d be me. It’s sad I never got a proper goodbye, it really is. I mourn it all the time.

No, I don’t really know the people you loved and cherished the way you did anymore. I’m heartbroken about it too. I hope they think about me like I think about them. Like their brain just fills in the lyrics of “For Good.” I can only hope.

I hope I’ll feel more at peace with her one day. I feel like she rattles inside me and makes me miss all the things I used to be. I think maybe she’s trying to prove to me that it’s all still there. I need to believe her. I’m still weird around my friends and I’m still involved with theater as I can. She’d like that about me.


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