Student Blog: All for the Best

This life can be taxing, and confusing. It can suck everything out of you, or it can make you joyous and bubbly. It can teach you lessons, or it can uncover truths that lie within the depths of who you are.

I feel like I have been hit with all of those things recently. I have felt empty, directionless, indecisive, happy, then confused again, and everything in between. I have sat with my emotions and my thoughts for a while now, as I imagine a lot of other people have. I think most could relate in saying it has been devastating, yet relieving somehow.

I have always loved writing, reading, and history growing up. Finding this opportunity to write for BroadwayWorld was such an incredible blessing at the beginning of quarantine because I could find that love for writing again since suppressing it down all these years. I recently found a passion for reading and learning again, as well. I love reading, and delving into different worlds. It brings me the utmost joy and satisfaction doing all of these things. I have developed a desire to learn more, and explore more of these loves of mine.

For the majority of my life, almost 14 years at this point, have been spent doing theatre. I have loved every minute of it and still do to this day. However, I have realized that doing theatre and working in the field has been more beneficial to me now than going to school. But, I am torn. My heart is pulling me one way, and my mind is telling me another.

I have never been good at trusting myself. I always second guess and find it hard to do what is best for me. I think I know, but then my gut tells me differently, sending me into a spiral of disbelief and uncertainty. I feel like these struggles haunt me, and I have not been able to catch a break for months. I am tired of making decisions. I am tired of second guessing my intuition. But I miss my friends, and the life that I thought I had made for myself. It has been back and forth for weeks now. Even you reading this now may be confused, and uncertain. I think that is what I am trying to convey. I have never been good at articulating just exactly how I feel about everything, but with this stream of word vomit I want to try my best.

I often think about neglecting all of my feelings. I find it easier to ignore my emotions and hide them rather than presenting them to even myself. And that is what I have done for a long while. Now, the thoughts have meandered their way up out of the trenches of my mind and will not go away. They appear like unknown creatures to my eye. New and exciting, but mysterious and vague filled with venom that is kryptonite to parts of my heart. It is hard to contain them anymore. I know I will capture them and learn what to do with them. I will hone my attention on them all. I know that this is All For the Best, but man it feels agonizing.

This life can be beautiful, and exciting. I will move forward and appreciate the adventures that come out of it...regardless of how much pain clouds my journey.