BWW Blog: Am I Always Starting Over?

If this pandemic has brought me anything good, it has brought me the ability to think. Believe it or not, I still did that before the pandemic. But somehow now I have thrown myself into a rabbit hole full of nothing but realizations and possibilities.

Growing up in a world unlike most people, everywhere I went there was theatre. I was submerged into this beautiful, and inspiring world from such a young age that prompted the desire to never want to leave. And so I didn't.

Junior year of high school comes around and it was time to start looking at where I wanted to further my education of theatre. I looked everywhere, and fell in love with so many programs. When I started auditioning, I really thought I knew what I wanted as a whole. I auditioned and visited programs that I thought were going to be good for me. I denied the opportunity to go outside my comfort zone because I was not confident enough in myself. I let myself get in the way of myself in some of those situations, and looking back on it I regret it quite a bit. In 2020, in the midst of a global pandemic, I know for myself I want so much more. I desire more than what I am receiving. Back then, what I wanted was a facade. I had no clue truly what I wanted for myself and out of my college experience.

Personally, this is why I don't necessarily think individuals should go to college right away due to this exact issue. Two years later, I know myself more and see things differently. I am not the same person I was when I was a senior in high school. I never predicted the extent of my metamorphosis.

Coming to terms with all of this has eaten me alive. There is a part of me that doesn't feel like my feelings are valid, that I should be content and happy where I am. Then the other part of me celebrates revelations, and new chapters that might bring me a new sense of peace.

I just hate having to think.

The last few months things have been so blurry. I have felt like I have been riding a carousel, full of motion sickness, and finally the ride is coming to a stop, allowing me to get off. Things are different now. Emotions are resurfacing, and blossoming once more. And you know, that is okay. It is more okay than anything ever. My feelings are valid, I am valid.

What do I do with this now, all of these thoughts and feelings and emotions and desires for more out of this moment in time? I can't suppress them. I need to unleash them, and let them become leaches I hook on to my skin.

I know this is my life, and what I do with it is up to me. I don't want to keep letting other people dictate my decisions. I don't want to let the fear of spoken words, and actions affect my outcome. I won't let fear stop me this time. I want to feel fulfilled, and if I have to climb several mountains to search for it, then I will do it. And I will do it with pride. I must find my treasure.

Am I always starting over? Yes, yes I am. And I am eager for what new story will be written.

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