Quotables From LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON, 12/6-10

"How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  I'm sorry if I seem a little nervous, you guys...WikiLeaks is threatening to release all of my drunk texts. (So that's a little awkward)"

"This whole WikiLeaks scandal is out of control.  WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says he's going to release damaging files on BP and Guantanamo Bay if his website is shut down. Excuse me? No one besmirches the good names of BP and Guantanamo Bay!  ('We've had such a great year! This is gonna kill us!')"

"I don't know if you guys heard this. President Obama is ordering thousands of government workers not to read the secret documents published by WikiLeaks. And he really doesn't want them to read the remixed version, 'Wiki Wiki Wiki Leaks.'"

"Hey, are you guys getting pumped for the holidays?!  I'm so excited. Today I received an Evite to Mel Gibson's Hanukkah party. (And that's just gonna be fun... It's just gonna be exciting...)"

"Hey, this is pretty interesting, you guys.  A scientist in the UK has figured out that April 11, 1954 was the most boring day in history. Which is why I've started calling 'Skating With The Stars' the April 11, 1954 of TV shows. (That's what they call it now)"

"Hey, check this out. This is cool.  Apple is working on a new 3D technology that can be seen without special glasses.  But it's not ready yet, so if you want to experience 3D without having to wear 3D glasses, go outside and look at something. (it's really cool technology.., it's really cool)"

"Hey, I just read that Kate Gosselin was one of the most searched-for celebrities of 2010. Unfortunately, it was her kids who spent the most time searching for her. (Where is she? She's dancing right now.)"

"Hey, here's some health news. Weight Watchers is updating its points system so that most vegetables are point-free. Although something tells me that the biggest problem for people on Weight Watchers wasn't permission to eat vegetables. (That's probably not what's putting you over the point system... 'I ate too many string beans, probably...and a gallon of ice cream.')"

"This is pretty cool.  Oprah Winfrey has chosen the Charles Dickens' novels 'A Tale of Two Cities' and 'Great Expectations' for her latest book club selections.  Man, that guy's about to get rich. (Charles Dickens... look out)"

"Get this - The government has stopped producing new one hundred dollar bills because of a problem with its printing presses. Yeah, there are so few hundreds-dollar-bills out there, rappers at strip clubs are only making it drizzle."

"And finally, a new study found that good-looking people are more likely to have daughters than sons.  Yup.  Whereas ugly people are more likely to have cats."

"How are you guys feeling tonight?  Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  Big news, you guys. I read this. This isn't good.  I read that some teenagers are getting pregnant on purpose so they can audition for MTV's show '16 and Pregnant.' Not only that, I heard that some adults are running for president on purpose so they can audition for a show about killing moose. (I read about it)"

"Hey, this is huge.  President Obama has reached a deal with Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts, in exchange for extending jobless benefits. Republicans in Congress say they're thrilled with the tax cuts, while Democrats leaving Congress say they're thrilled with the jobless benefits. (It's just the way it works out)"

"I'm not sure what to make of this.  A new study found that one-third of men between the ages of 75 and 95 are still sexually active.  Yeah, the survey had two boxes: 'yes' and 'please say no.'

"This is pretty crazy.  A man in Canada just moved out of his college dorm, after living there for 20 years. You could tell he was getting old-when he puts a sock on the doorknob, it means he's getting a prostate exam.  ('Don't bother me. Will you go get me some mac and cheese? That'd be great. Just close the door.')"

"I just saw this.  A woman in California just published a medical marijuana cookbook. Cuz if there's one thing stoners are great at, it's following directions. (STONER) 'Step one, melt butter. Melt...mmm, tuna melt. (EXCITED) Hey, we should get some tuna melts!  Let's just smoke this pot and eat tuna melts!'"

"Hey, the Department of Homeland Security is bringing the 'If You See Something, Say Something' campaign to Wal-Mart, reminding shoppers to report suspicious activity. I'm sorry, you want to know if there's suspicious activity at a WAL-MART? You mean the place where I can go to one aisle and get a rifle, an iPod, and some Sunny D? Yeah, I'll let you know if I see anything weird happening there. (Yeah, I'll let you know. Nothing weird)"

"Get this - Justin Bieber said that his mom recently canceled his cell phone plan after they had an argument. Yeah, his mom was like, 'Justin, you will follow my rules as long as I'm living under your roof!'"

"Hey, police in London are looking for thieves who stole a 2-million-dollar Stradivarius violin from a musician while she was eating a sandwich. When asked to describe it, the woman was like, (FLUSTERED) 'I don't know...turkey, mayo, some tomatoes- why does that matter?!' (That one's for Frank Drebin.)"

"And finally, I don't know if you saw this.  A Chinese passenger train just broke a record by hitting 302 miles per hour.  Passengers called it 'a thrilling experience,' while the guy in the bathroom called it 'the worst day of my life.'"

"How are you guys feeling tonight?  Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon!  You guys, we have The Situation from 'Jersey Shore' on the show tonight! I don't know about you, but I'm totally DTIH - down to interview him."

"That's right, The Situation is here! We're gonna talk about the economy, we're gonna talk about WikiLeaks, we're gonna talk about education reform and - we're gonna fist pump. (START FIST PUMPING 'No fist pumping on the show tonight... What's that? We can?' START FIST PUMPING AGAIN)"

"Hey, you guys, this is very interesting. The Census announced that over the last ten years, the U.S. population grew by roughly 30 million people.  When I heard that, I was like, 'Por qué?'"

"Check this out. I heard that Charlie Sheen will guest star as a zombie on the next season of AMC's show 'The Walking Dead.' Yep, he'll roam the streets, terrorize locals, and completely trash a building - then, he'll start filming his appearance on 'The Walking Dead.' (It's gonna be good)"

"That's right, Charlie Sheen is gonna play a zombie.  It'll be the first time in his life that he's attracted to someone for their brains. (It's a stretch)"

"This is kinda weird.  There's a medical marijuana store in California that apparently makes home deliveries.  Yeah, I think that's called 'a dealer.' (I could be wrong. That exists, right?)"

"That's right, a medical marijuana store that delivers to your house.  They have a pretty good deal for stoners - if they don't get there in 30 minutes, you completely forget what you were waiting for in the first place. (So it's a pretty good deal)"

"This is a weird story. I'm not sure what to make of this story.  This week, a man in Australia married his 5-year-old Labrador. That's just wrong, I mean you can't make a big decision like that when you're only FIVE years old."

"I mean, a man married his dog.  Then they drove away in a car with a sign on the back that said, 'Just did something weird.' (That was cute I guess)"

"And finally, I read that UPS is now requiring customers to show a photo ID when they ship something. Yeah, it's just like the TSA, first they check your ID and then they check your package."

"How are you guys feeling tonight?  Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. This isn't good, you guys.  WikiLeaks supporters have hacked Sarah Palin's credit card information after she criticized founder Julian Assange. Sarah said she's very upset, and hopes all suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated."

"After hacking into Visa and MasterCard yesterday, WikiLeaks supporters now want to take down Amazon.com. But this is helpful - after they do it, Amazon is gonna suggest a list of similar sites they might also enjoy hacking. (That's very nice... what comes around goes around)"

"Listen to this.  The Canadian military will start allowing transgender soldiers to wear the uniform of the gender they want to be. The military says it's just a good way for them to keep track of which privates have which privates."

"This is very interesting.  A new study found that seniors can keep their minds' sharp by doing puzzles and brain teasers.  That's why every morning, we stick my grandmother in a maze and make her find her way out.  (You'll thank me one day, grandma.)"

"You guys, Christmas is almost here, which means everyone's having their office holiday parties. Or as sexual harassment attorneys call it, 'Cha-ching!'"

"Hey, you guys, the TV special, 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' premiered 45 years ago today on CBS. When it first aired, things were very different. Everyone thought Peppermint Patty 'just hadn't met the right man.'"

"Here's some business news. Apparently the return of the McRib boosted McDonald's profits almost five percent in November. Proving once again that Americans LOVE a good mystery. ('What is this? It's not beef.' 'Well it's not pork either.' 'I don't know what it is. What's up with your voice?' 'It's my normal voice. My father was Gomer Pyle.' 'Your dad was Jim Neighbors?' 'He was.' 'I'm a big fan of your dad.')"

"You guys, a new report found that sales of jean leggings - also known as jeggings - doubled over the last year. Also doubling? The use of the phrase, 'Wow, that person really shouldn't be wearing jeggings.' (That's a mistake!)"

"And finally, there are rumors going around that Lindsay Lohan might do 'Dancing With the Stars.' Yeah, they said that she'd be performing a couple of dances: the two-step, and her favorite - the 12-step."

"How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  Hey, did you guys hear about this?  Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner had to go to the hospital today because of a kidney stone.  On the bright side, the stone was the first thing in months passed by a member of the Obama administration. (It's good news and it's bad news)"

"I just read that Sarah Palin is going to Haiti this weekend to deliver humanitarian aid. Yeah cuz if there's one thing that's reassuring, it's seeing Sarah Palin above you in a helicopter. (Any moose down there?)"

"Listen to this.  George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna, just put her home in Baltimore on the market for 500 thousand dollars. Yeah, the real estate agent was like, 'I just wanna warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by...someone.'"

"This is a pretty cool story.  I heard that the seats in the 2012 Ford Focus will be upholstered in recycled denim.  Yeah, a car that actually comes with denim.  Or as Jay Leno calls it, 'erotica.' (He'll love that joke)"

"That's right, they're using denim for the interior.  The one problem is, people keep ordering a car one size too small hoping they'll eventually fit into it. (I know I'm not a 34 now, but I'm going to the gym. Got these cool sneakers. Gonna start jogging.)" 

"Everyone's talking about this. There's a new video online that shows Miley Cyrus taking a bong hit, and saying, 'I'm having a little bit of a bad trip.' But luckily she had a friend there to talk her through it, tell her everything was gonna be okay, and then post the whole thing on TMZ. (That's what friends are for)"

"Check this out. A group of Chinese housewives were busted for trying to smuggle iPads and cell phones into China. Oh man, that is so Real Housewives of Beijing County."

"This is a cool story.  A couple in Toronto had their Facebook friends vote on the name of their newborn daughter. So congratulations to the couple and their baby girl, 'Like.'"

"And finally, a town in Germany is making prostitutes pay a 'pleasure tax' for every day they work. Wow, they are always getting screwed by the man."

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