BWW Recap: Patti Murin Reacts to the Historic BACHELORETTE Season Premiere

Broadway's resident BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE expert, Patti Murin, is currently on a European vacation/research trip before starring as Princess Anna in the world premiere of the stage adaptation of Disney's FROZEN, so she was unable to live-tweet the season premiere of this historic season, as she is normally wont to do.

However, with an event as big as Rachel Lindsay's official debut as the Bachelorette, Patti couldn't not share her feelings. So, (presumably) from a small romantic bistro on the Champs-Élysées, Patti wrote out her thoughts after watching a screener of the premiere.

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Bonjour, America! I currently just spent a gorgeous spring day in Paris sequestered in my hotel room. Why, you ask? Because I had to watch the first episode of the new season of THE BACHELORETTE. If you're reading this, you probably would have done the same.

I don't have the means to write a proper recap (I'm currently typing this on my phone at a café in Paris with a glass of rosé on the way, yeah I just dropped that there), but I couldn't not give my immediate opinion on this incredibly epic and historic moment. So here is a list of some of my thoughts on the episode, in chronological order.

- I died when the little old lady told Rachel, "And don't sleep with all of them." She should come along as a special consultant for Rachel on her journey.

- RACHEL BROUGHT HER DOG. CAN A HUMAN BE ANY MORE PERFECT THAN RACHEL???

- Don't get me started on Lucas. My body broke out into hives as soon as he came on the screen. It's safe to say that "WHABOOM" will not be catching on as our next national craze. Ugh, kill me now.

- Blake insists that he has a perfect penis, which only supports the fact that he definitely does not have a perfect penis.

- Diggy has too many shoes. I have like 40 pairs and I still wear the same 4 over and over again. How do you even remember that they all exist? What is your love of shoes and the need to own so many REALLY making up for?

- Also, Diggy says he is "passionate about fashion," which I see as a huge missed opportunity to coin the phrase, "fashionnate."

- Josiah's story is actually the saddest I think we've heard thus far on any of these shows. Also the most inspiring. Cue the first tears of the season. Unfortunately, Josiah has one of the bigger egos in the house, so I remain conflicted about him.

- I recognized approximately 3 of the former BACHELOR contestants who came on to give Rachel advice.

- By far, best piece of advice came from Alexis. Don't immediately judge them if they come in a funny costume or with a lame introduction. Just hearing her say that made me watch the intros with a much more open mind. And honestly? I genuinely laughed so much more than I have any other season.

- On that note, how much do they LOVE her? What Raven said about Rachel bringing out the best in all of them made me cry for the second time in 20 minutes. To see a group of women loving so hard and so freely on another woman is an incredible sight to behold. Even Corinne was feeling the feelings.

- OKAY BRYAN, you better speak that Spanish. Automatic rose.

- Will as Urkel? More Will immediately please! You can't find that level of charm and goofiness and overall awareness of TGIF just anywhere these days.

- Chrs Harrison just said "AFR." As in "After the Final Rose." He can't even be bothered to make full sentences anymore.

- First lesson any boyfriend of mine ever learned, DO. NOT. TICKLE. ME. EVER. Just watching Lucas tickle Rachel made my reflexes kick the air where his balls would be.

- What's wrong with Lee's voice? Does he have a cold? Is he hoarse from rehearsing his song so hard? Oh wait, it's just bad. Got it.

- Confirmed: Lucas the tickle monster looks like a serial killer.

- Adam Junior for Bachelor.

- OKAY BRYAN, I liked you a LOT, but you just keep shoving your tongue in her mouth over and over and over again and I'm really uncomfortable over here. This is what happens when all of your girlfriends are so smitten with your foreign language skills that they forget to teach you how to kiss. "But guys, he speaks SPANISH!" So does most of America, ladies. So does most of America.

- Rachel's riff on "Old MacDonald" made me realize that I have never known what love for another woman is, and now I do.

- Don't you EVER purr at Rachel. Or me, for that matter.

- Poor Mo. He absolutely had me with his terrific Bollywood dancing, but then he was the drunk guy. At least he's a quiet drunk.

- DO NOT TOUCH THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE UNLESS YOU ARE THE BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE OR CHRIS HARRISON OR ME IN CASE I EVER DECIDE TO SNEAK IN AND STEAL IT.

- Kenny!!! I really like their chemistry. Even though Bryan got the First Impression Rose, I feel like Kenny may be a strong contender this season.

- And finally, I think we can all agree that Rachel is the best Bachelorette we have ever had. She's smart, she loves to laugh, she's great with people, she's way more mature than anyone who has come before, and she's going to offer a fantastically unique perspective. Also, it's really encouraging that our country will be exposed to so many people of different ethnicities this time around. Who says THE BACHELORETTE can't change the world, even if it's just a little?

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Banner Image: Rachel and her suitors on THE BACHELORETTE. Photo Credit: ABC | Craig Sjodin