Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 8 - September 11
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.8.15
I saw that in a recent interview, Sarah Palin supported
Donald Trump's immigration policies and said that when immigrants are in the U.S., they should quote "speak American." Then immigrants were like, "You first." (What language is 'refudiate?')
It seems like everyone is weighing in on Trump. In an interview last week,
Hillary Clinton called
Donald Trump's candidacy "an unfortunate development." Incidentally, "an unfortunate development" is also what Trump says when his wives turn 40. (TRUMP) "Broads getting old is a very unfortunate development."
Some sports news. Serena and
Venus Williams played each other at the U.S. Open quarterfinals today, but their mom did not attend the match. Their mother says that she loves both of her daughters, so it's unfair to be forced to pick a favorite Serena.
Of course, another big story is the pope's upcoming trip to the United States, and I saw that Time Warner will offer a channel completely dedicated to his visit. Which is fitting, when you figure Time Warner customers are the only ones who say "Jesus Christ" as much as the Pope. (ON PHONE) "Yes I'll hold. Come on!"
Oh, here's some good news. A new report found that the U.S. economy created 173 thousand jobs last month. The most common job created this Summer was teacher. The second most common? Republican Presidential Candidate.
This is pretty interesting. According to a new study, the Earth has three trillion trees, which is actually half of what it had before humans existed. The researchers came up with that number after getting up to 50 trees, then saying, "Ah screw it, there's probably three trillion." You expect me to count? Really?
And in Canada, businesses have started to let customers cut 20 dollar bills in half to make two ten dollar bills. That's right, even Canada treats Canadian dollars like it's fake money! (CANADA) "Whatever, eh. Just cut it in half. Eat it. Who cares." (Here's a thousand-dollar bill from Monopoly. Have fun.)
Jimmy Fallon Quoables 9.9.15
Of course, we have
Justin Timberlake on the show tonight! I don't know how he does it. - I mean, I'm still sweating like Hillary when you ask to look at her e-mails.
Actually, according to a New York Times report,
Hillary Clinton's campaign is trying to put the whole email
SCANDAL behind her. They say they want to start bringing humor and spontaneity to her campaign. And nothing says spontaneity like announcing you're about to be spontaneous. "Here comes the spontaneity in 3,2,1...Boo!"
And everyone's still talking about
Donald Trump. Even Tom Brady. In an interview yesterday, Brady said that
Donald Trump occasionally calls him up to give "motivational speeches." In related news - I think we know the REAL reason Tom Brady destroyed his cell phone. "You're fantastic. Deflate the ball."
Oh and some major tech news. Today Apple held their big event in San Francisco. And they announced their extra large iPad Pro which features a screen that measures over 12 inches. They say it's the best way yet for people to ruin concerts. (HOLDING UP IPAD) "I'm getting EVERYTHING on this!"
Speaking of flying, this is crazy. Toyota filed a patent this weekend for a wing system that could be an attempt to make a flying Prius. As opposed to what USUALLY creates a flying Prius: a strong gust of wind. "Ah, crap - my Prius blew away!" (Happens every time I park at this Whole Foods!)
And this is pretty cool, I saw that 7-Eleven expanded its home delivery menu last week, and said that their next goal is delivering alcohol. Which doesn't really make sense, cuz if you're getting delivery from 7-Eleven, you're probably already pretty drunk. Gimme one of those sweaty hot dogs on the roller thing.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.10.15
Of course, earlier tonight was the big season opener for the NFL, where the Patriots played their first game since the "Deflategate" scandal. I don't wanna say the refs spent a long time examining balls, but today, they were hired by the TSA.
(TSA SCREENER, CHECKING WITH WAND) "I'm gonna have to put my hands in your pants."
Let's get to some political news here. Yesterday,
Hillary Clinton vowed to take military action if Iran moves toward creating nuclear weapons, or if she loses to Bernie Sanders. (HILLARY) Fire up the drones!
And this is probably good advice. The U.S. Surgeon General released a statement this week that said more Americans should start going on walks. You know we're setting the bar a little low when the Surgeon General goes from saying we should exercise more" to (SIGH) "Just stand up for once." A minute, two minutes a day? How sad is that?
Yeah, the Surgeon General said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone's surprise, he added, "Even if you're just going out to have a smoke." Any movement.
Check this out. Tinder says that it's adding a new "Super Like" button, so people can show that they're extra eager to meet a specific user. The company says it's a great way to know who NOT to go on a date with. (CREEPY) "I SUPER like you..."
I saw that the nominees for this year's CMA's were announced yesterday. And they include country music superstars like
Kenny Chesney,
Luke Bryan,
Garth Brooks, whiskey, beer, trucks and divorce.
And this was pretty funny, I read that a flight attendant on a Norwegian Air flight from Paris to Stockholm went on the intercom to congratulate a couple that had apparently joined the Mile High Club. It got weird when people started patting the woman on the back and her husband was like, "Hey hon, where you been?"
And finally, some good news for pot smokers. Colorado's tax laws are forcing the state to sell marijuana tax-free for just one day next week on Wednesday, September 16, 2015. Stoners were like, (STONER) "Got it - Tuesday, November 35th, 420!" See ya there bra!
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.11.15
And I saw that yesterday,
President Obama awarded a National Medal of Arts to author
Stephen King. You know, cuz if there's anyone who can relate to the story of a guy trapped in a mansion that's driving him insane, it's Obama. (OBAMA, LIKE NICHOLSON) "Heeeeeeere's Barry!! (All work and no play makes Barry want a cigarette!)"
And Keurig announced that they are now offering pre-packaged cups that let you make instant Campbell's Soup in their coffee machines. It's great for the person who wants to enjoy a cup of soup then enjoy a cup of coffee that tastes a little bit like soup.
Yeah, Keurig is now offering cups that let you make Campbell's Soup in their coffee machines. You know, for the weirdo who's like, "Don't even TALK to me til I've had my first bowl of soup in the morning! (SLURP BOWL OF SOUP, RELAXED...) Ahhhh! Now where were we?"
