ActorQuest: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Broadway

What follows is an account of that dreaded beast most actors have to endure called the 'audition'. I would like to say I made this one up, but, unfortunately it is totally true.  Compared with my audition for COMPANY, which was very painless but which required multitasking as an actor/singer/instrumentalist, the following account ended up being multitasking on a whole different level.

For an introduction to ActorQuest, Click Here!

It couldn't be simpler. My agent calls with an audition for the show ANNIE. I prepare for the audition being held in NY. I travel from Milford into the City on the train, full of all the hopes and fears of any musical theatre performer. Even though I have become a pro in doing auditions and occasional shows, there have been some notable mishaps along the way.

The process is always the same. Actors are expected to make strong 'choices' and be in the moment. In the span of two minutes the directors squish us into a category, read our resumes, listen to us sing, watch us act and make a snap decision as to whether we fit the bill for a particular role.

To prepare for this production of ANNIE in the role of "Grace", the sedate but lovely secretary, I carefully picked a song, a style and an outfit. I got as much info as I could to prepare for this particular director. For instance, I found out that he has a reputation for making every show he directs very sexy. In fact the last time this man directed ANNIE, he had his "Grace" ice her nipples before she came out on stage!

To get a part in this production, I decided to wear a halter dress. Which, of course, means also wearing a water bra. The dilemma? How to ice the nipples without freezing the water bra.

So I opted instead to try a new thing I saw on a TV commercial. As a former pageant girl, I am well versed in how to "create" cleavage. A good role of athletic tape and some 'chicken cutlets', removable pads that are filled with silicon, usually do the trick. But this new bra invention is a pair of cutlets that stick right to your chest. Instant cleavage without the pain of surgery or athletic tape!

I proudly wore my Stick-On-Boobs to the ANNIE audition. The instructions on the box warn that one should not wear them more than five hours, but who listens to that stuff? Since I was experimenting with the "sexy look" I also added some false eyelashes and press-on- nails.

When I commute I take the train to Grand Central and then a subway and then another subway and then I walk about five blocks or so to get to my auditions. Carrying a backpack while keeping pace with the rest of the NY crowd can make one work up a sweat. By the time I got to my audition I was 'glowing' and I had been wearing the boobs for seven hours.

I walked into the audition room using my best sexy walk. Not tripping in my stiletto heels was an unusually positive sign. But I "worked it" for this sexy production of ANNIE. I sang my song, read a scene and then the director got up from behind the desk to give me some direction. I usually like it when the director gives me notes. But they don't usually rouse themselves from their chairs. This director stood REALLY close to me when he talked. I considered backing up but didn't want to give ground for fear of seeming weak or unsexy.

I worked up a sweat during this audition especially with a director a few inches from my face. And I noticed something odd about my Stick-On-Boobs. They were starting to slip. I didn't want to look away because the director was talking earnestly about his ideas. Then, while making good eye contact, I blinked once and felt my false eyelash give a flutter. He was so close I could smell his breath and I know he had to see my eyelash start to come unglued. With my good eye I could see a bit of the cutlet starting to work its way up through the top of my dress!

Time for a strategic choice. I could only fix one item covertly. Do I yank off the eyelash while faking a contact problem? Or do I transmit negative body language by crossing my arms in front of my chest to keep my boobs in? Which item would more obvious if it dropped to the floor? Is it sexy to grab your chest? I have seen pop singers do it and it works for them. I could grab and stuff the cutlet back down in one move. What if I puncture the stick-on-cutlet with my press-on-nail? What if it comes out the bottom of my dress? What if this guy is afraid of spiders. The eyelash looks like a spider when it lands on your cheek. If I scream and pretend that it dropped from the ceiling and then stomp on it, will that seem real and natural? Sexy women probably aren't afraid of spiders.

Actors have to make good "choices". Good, strong, connected choices to be considered for shows. Sexy choices. Cutlets on the floor. Eyelash on the floor.

Thinking like the sexy blonde bombshell I wish I was, I gave a throaty laugh, tossed my hair wildly so that the eyelash flew across the room, and crossed my arms coquettishly to keep the boobs from going with it.