Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, Week of 4/20

Below, check out monologue quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, for the week of April 20:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.21.15

Of course it's the presidential election which is really starting to heat up. In fact, Hillary Clinton just said she doesn't know what Republicans would talk about if she wasn't in the race. Republicans were like, (LIKE IT'S OBVIOUS) "Winning...if she wasn't in the race we could actually talk about winning. That's how voting works."

And Kim Jong Un is back in the news. Yeah, this time there are reports that Kim Jong Un actually climbed North Korea's highest mountain. Kim Jong Un said all it took to climb that mountain was hard work, determination, and lying about climbing that mountain. Three simple things. Who's gonna tell him he's wrong? He'll kill you.

Hey if you're gonna be traveling a lot this summer you might want to listen to this. According to the American Customer Satisfaction Index, JetBlue had the best customer service last year out of all the major airlines. So you should definitely fly JetBlue. But bring five bucks if you want a pillow, because pillows are 5 bucks. And that's the best customer service right there. If you want a pillow it's five dollars.

Oh and get this. There are reports that the MAKERS of the Roomba are developing a similar product that will be used as a lawn mower. They say it will revolutionize the way you spray the side of your house with dog poop. And your car.

Yeah, the MAKERS of the Roomba are working on developing a similar product that will be used as a lawn mower. When asked what they meant by similar to a Roomba, the company was like, "Oh. It doesn't work." (That ONE spot is getting mowed REAL good!)

Check this out. I read that BMW's new deluxe 7 Series will allow drivers to simply press a button on their key fob to make the car park itself. And because it's an expensive BMW it'll park itself across two spaces like an a-hole.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.22.15

We have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on the show tonight! Of course, we're gonna talk to him about 2016 - you know, his goal weight. That's not funny...

Actually Chris Christie was a little late to the show cuz people kept stopping him to wish him a happy Earth Day. It's not nice...you shouldn't do that. Not funny.

That's right, today is Earth Day! Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth, while the Earth just spent the day checking Facebook to see which planets wished her Happy Earth Day. (TEEN) "Mercury is such a hater."

Yep, today is Earth Day. But really shouldn't every day be earth day? I mean, what are our options?

Let's get to some political news. Did you hear about this? A brothel in Nevada announced that it is supporting Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign, with the employees calling themselves "Hookers for Hillary." And their slogan is pretty interesting: "No more Bush!"

Speaking of the election. A new report found that Marco Rubio's presidential campaign has raised 40 million dollars in the last week. When he heard that, Rubio was like, "Hey, any chance I can drop out of the race and just KEEP the 40 million?" Why am I doing this?

It seems like everyone's entering the race. In fact, the rapper Waka Flocka Flame actually just tweeted that he is also running for president. Yeah, even Jeb and Rand were like, (MOCKING) "What kind of name is "Waka?"

And this is interesting. I saw that cartoonists recently analyzed the doodles from various presidents, and determined that President Obama has a talent for sketching people. And if you think that's impressive, Joe Biden can draw a turkey just using his hand. He does it a lot.

Some controversy here. This week, Doctor Oz will respond to critics who believe that he should not be giving medical advice on his show. Yeah, people will be watching his response closely - especially Dr. Phil. (DR. PHIL) "If THAT guy's in trouble, I'm more screwed than a cactus tryin' to play handball!"

Oh this pretty cool. Japan's new magnetic levitation train set a world record after it traveled over 373 miles per hour during a test run yesterday. Not to be outdone, Amtrak said if you left right now, they could get you to Boston by Memorial Day. Can't guarantee, but can get close.

And I want to say a belated Happy Birthday to Queen Elizabeth who turned 89 years old yesterday. Queen Elizabeth spent her birthday the way she does every year: Laughing at Prince Charles. (QUEEN) "This will never be yours!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.23.15

Did you see this? During a Q and A at the White House yesterday, a little girl actually asked First Lady Michelle Obama how old she is. Yeah, Michelle was like (LAUGHING) "Old enough to put you on the No Fly List, sweetheart." Don't ask, don't ask.

But here's some good news for the president. A new poll shows that Obama's approval rating and is currently at it's highest level since 2013. It's not that he's doing BETTER - it's just that people have seen all the crazies lining up to replace him. ""You know what - he's not that bad. Maybe a third term's the charm!"

Get this. It's being reported that Google spent over five million dollars on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. Which is crazy cuz you'd think Google wouldn't really NEED to lobby politicians- all they have to say is, "We have your search history." ("Do what we tell you.")

This isn't good. I read that many minor league baseball players have been caught using steroids over the past few years. But apparently, not ENOUGH steroids.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.24.15

And get this, people are now criticizing Hillary Clinton by pointing out that during her long political career, she seems to have changed her accent many times. When asked about it Hillary strongly denied it saying (MICHAEL CANE) "Dose people ohtta know me bettah. I'm Michael Caine and I approve dis message."

That's right, Hillary Clinton seems to have changed her accent a lot. People are pretty mad; Jeb Bush was like, (LATINO) "Can yoo believe this chica?"

And big news overseas. The royal baby is expected to arrive sometime this weekend! And I read that some people are actually camping outside the hospital in hopes of seeing it. So if you want to be the first to find out what the royal baby looks like, just look at a photo of ANY baby.

And according to a new survey from the Physical Activity Council, Americans are the least active they've been since 2007. Some say it's because there's more technology, while others say it's because winter now lasts 11 months a year. It's freezing outside! (It's snowing a week before May!)

That's right, Americans are more inactive than ever. Netflix was like, "You're welcome." (Your next episode starts in 18 seconds, don't get up.)

This isn't good. I read that some prisoners in South Carolina have been using drones to sneak in banned items like cell phones, tobacco, and marijuana. Officials were pretty mad - but not nearly as mad as the guy who's had to keep stuffing drones up his butt. (GRUFF) "Can't we go back to using balloons?"

Here's a local story. I saw that a wild coyote was actually spotted right here in New York City. They said it was the dirtiest mangiest thing they'd seen in Manhattan since Times Square Elmo. (GRUFF) "Wanna picture with Elmo? Who wants a picture with Elmo? Can't believe I spit in my mask."

And finally, this is kind of wierd story. I saw that Miami Dolphins lineman A.J. Francis just tweeted that he has signed up to be an Uber driver during the offseason. But since he's with the Dolphins he can only drive 15 yards before he has to punt.