Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON
NBC presents quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, March 10 -14th:
Oh, the big movie this weekend was "300: Rise of an Empire" which came in #1 at the box office, making 45 million dollars. It's about a ruthless leader trying expand his territory through any means possible. Or as Vladimir Putin calls it, (PUTIN) "The feel good movie of year!"
Putin is kind of freaking everybody out right now. There's this standoff with Russia over the situation in Ukraine. And on Saturday, President Obama called the leaders of Britain, France and Italy to talk about the crisis. Which also marked the first time ever that world leaders actually knew Obama was listening to them on the phone.
Actually, Ukraine's interim prime minister, Arseniy Yatsen-yuke, will travel to the U.S. this week to talk about the what's going on in his country. And also to, you know, buy a house and move here with his family. (I'm not going back there! I wanna stay here, man. See what's going on with the new season of "Dancing With the Stars.")
Here's another new law that they're looking at over in California. They're considering a new bill that would ban Sea World's killer whale shows for humane reasons. They say that killer whales are far too intelligent to perform for people's entertainment. Then I was like, "What does that say about me?" This is inhumane what's happening right now with me!
Of course it was last night's big finale of "True Detective" on HBO. And get this - so many people were trying to watch it, they actually crashed HBO's streaming website, HBO Go. Yeah, the site just stopped working. Then out of habit, President Obama issued an apology. ("It'll all be fixed in a couple weeks.")
And finally, this weekend marked the 55th anniversary of the Barbie doll. It's hard to believe that Barbie's 55 years old, but you gotta figure eight years of medical school, three years of law school, ten years of astronaut training - it all adds up. (She barely had time to become a veterinarian.)
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.11.14
Last night on the season finale of "The Bachelor," Juan Pablo picked Nikki, a 26-year-old nurse, over Clare, a 32-year-old hairstylist. Yeah, he said he thought about it long and hard, and after a lot of soul searching, he decided Nikki was definitely younger.
You know, they're saying this was the worst season of The Bachelor. It's like Cousin Oliver jumped over the shark AND did a special musical episode. I think they need to retool this whole show - and by "re-tool," I don't mean bring back Juan Pablo.
Oh, this was pretty big. During a video-conference at South by Southwest yesterday, Edward Snowden urged technology companies to improve their encryption techniques in order to prevent hacking. Then he was like, "But not right away. I'm still using Obama's Netflix password to watch 'House of Cards'."
Of course the Ukraine situation is still very tense, Russia is making everyone nervous. And apparently, even Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel has tried talking to Vladimir Putin at least three times in the last week, but he is refusing to back down. Yeah, she was like, "What kind of country just invades another country I should stop talking shouldn't I?"
Let's see what's happening in Washington. Thirty Democratic Senators held an all-night "talkathon" on the floor of the Senate last night to highlight the impacts of climate change. Yeah, 14 hours of climate change talk - or as Al Gore calls that, "a first date." (GORE) "You look hot! But not as hot as the Earth is getting!...Take a look at these charts I brought... Look at the charts...that's where our love goes."
Some major business news. The Chiquita banana company has agreed to merge with a produce company in Ireland to create the world's largest supplier of bananas. Chiquita's CEO seemed very happy about the merger. Then he said, "Nah, that's just a banana in my pocket." I had to do it!
This seems a little risky to me. But London's famous Globe Theatre just announced plans to perform Shakespeare's play "Hamlet" in North Korea. Of course, "Hamlet" is about a man on a murderous Revenge mission inspired by his late father. Then Kim Jong-un was like, "Where do they come up with this stuff?"
You guys might want to brace down for this one. Over the weekend, Ke$ha made a very big announcement. That's right, she announced that she is dropping the dollar sign from her name. Great - now I've gotta change my tattoo.
That's right, Ke$ha is dropping the dollar sign from her name. So now, instead of "Kesha," she'll just be known as "Kesha."
I thought this was pretty cool. There's a new iPhone app that promises to help people read up to one thousand words per minute. This has people very excited, but no one is more excited than parents putting their kids to bed. (FAST) "Goodnight mouse, house, cow, balloon, moon. Love you, sleep tight!"
A big Science discovery here. NASA just announced that it recently discovered more than three thousand new stars. NASA scientists say they were able to discover the stars through the careful process of turning the telescope left. ("Gary! You better be sitting down, buddy!")
And finally, police in Virginia are looking for thieves who recently stole 15 thousand dollars worth of manhole covers. If convicted, they'll be sent to jail - where they're really gonna wish they had those...I'm not even gonna finish the joke.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.12.14
Today, President Obama and Joe Biden met with the new Ukrainian prime minister to show their support for his government. The prime minister said, "You guys should visit Ukraine sometime. And Obama said, "Biden would love to." Then Biden was like, "What? I was watching Dora. What's going on?" (OBAMA) "Pay attention!"
And you know who is not happy about this, is Russia. It's been very tense between us recently. In fact, lawmakers in Russia have started a petition to get the U.S. kicked out of this year's World Cup. Or they could just take the easier route, and wait til we lose the first round to literally any other country. ("And the United States has lost to Uzbeckistralia. A brand new country. They just made it with a 3-D printer.)
I saw that President Obama went shopping at a Gap store while he was here in New York yesterday. The president ended up buying a sweater for each of his daughters, and a workout jacket for the First Lady. You know, cuz whenever someone visits New York, the one souvenir people really want is something from The Gap.
Man, can you imagine "America's Funniest Home Videos" without Tom Bergeron? It would be like...well, YouTube.
Oh, remember that Carnival Cruise that got Stranded in the Gulf of Mexico last year? Well get this. I read that passengers from that cruise are suing for five thousand dollars a month for the rest of their lives, because of pain and suffering. Then people who watched this season of "The Bachelor" were like, "Can WE get in on that?"
That's right, a family called the police because their cat cornered them in a bedroom. Yeah, they would've climbed out the window but their hamster was blocking the way. "Goin' somewhere? Where you think YOU'RE going?" Their dog was standing there with a butterfly knife saying, "Too bad! Looks like somebody cut the phone line..." Goldfish was like, "Don't even LOOK at me! Say hello to my little friend!" "Hi, I'm a guppy!"
Did you see this? In a new interview, Shaquille O'Neal said that he spends a thousand dollars a week downloading new apps. Then again, you'd buy a lot of apps too, if your index finger was four feet wide. (SHAQ) "I'm just trying to call my mom. I already have Angry Birds. I just downloaded it again."
And finally, Keith Richards just announced that he is working on a new children's book. Yep, it's called "Oh, the Places You'll Wake Up."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.13.14
Well, the Crisis in Ukraine still has a lot of people worried. And today, John McCain led a group of senators over there, to get a firsthand look at things. When they landed, McCain was like, "This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!" And then someone said, "We have a layover - this is LaGuardia." (Still shouldn't live like this.)
Yeah, things are moving pretty quickly over there. In fact this weekend, Crimea is holding a vote on whether or not to join Russia, but the ballot doesn't have an option for voting against the plan - it only lets people vote for joining Russia now, or down the road. When asked where he got the idea, Vladimir Putin said, (PUTIN) "iTunes user agreement." (You must agree or live without music forever.)
Let's see what's going on in Washington. I read that the Obama administration wants to shorten prison time for people who have been convicted of drug-related offenses. For instance, if your only offense is smoking a lot of weed, your sentence would be 4 to 8 years as president.
Here's some good news if you're looking for a job. This week, the Labor Department announced that there are roughly 3.9 million job openings in the U.S. Which gets even more exciting when you find out there's still TWO that HAVEN'T been taken by Ryan Seacrest.
Listen to this. A judge in New Jersey recently ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone.
And this isn't good. The European Union says it wants to ban the U.S. from labeling American-made cheeses as Parmesan or feta because those names should only be used for cheeses made in Europe. They said America should stick to their own kinds of cheese - whiz and nips. (Whiz and nips - that's your Instagram handle right, Higgins?)
I heard that Best Buy will start selling solar panels, in an effort to promote energy conservation. Best Buy says you can find the panels right next to the 300 flat-screen TVs they leave on all day. (You gotta get "Frozen" on DVD. BlueRay! This one's on a beautiful flat screen. Curved flat screen. You gotta get a Monster Cable. You sing along to "Frozen" with it. Sing "Frozen," ya jerk!)
If you're single, you should listen to this. The dating app Tinder is coming out with a new verification process for celebrities so that they can join and meet regular people. Regular people were really excited about the news, until they realized they were being called "regular people." ("Thanks?")
Some news out of England. Prince William and Kate Middleton have apparently hired a new nanny to take care of Prince George. They say that way, William can focus more of his time on...(UNSURE, SHRUG), and Kate can get around to uh...(UNSURE, SHRUG) (SHEEPISHLY START WAVING). (What do they do? Waving?)
And finally, Netflix says it's delaying its launch in Italy because the country's Internet is too slow and unreliable. When Blockbuster heard that, they were like, (HAPPY) "Ciao, Italianos!" We're back baby!
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.14.14
Of course it's this situation in Ukraine. It just keeps getting more and more tense. And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian - Ukrainian border. Russia says its troops are only there for a training exercise. When asked what they're training for, Russian officials were like, (RUSSIAN) "Invading Ukraine."
There are reports that Russia has deployed ten thousand troops to its border with Ukraine. That's a lot. Plus, inside each of those soldiers is a slightly smaller soldier, and inside that one is another smaller soldier. (Little Boris.)
It seems like everyone's on Obama's case right now. Even Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called the President directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That's right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!
Yeah, Zuckerberg criticized the NSA and called the government a threat to the Internet. Then he went back to running a website where you list everyone you've ever met, every place you've been, every place you're going, what you had for breakfast lunch and dinner, your ex-girlfriends and your ex-boyfriends, what THEY had for breakfast, which bands you like, and which character from "Sex and the City" you are. (I'm more of a Samantha.)
Here's some more news out of Washington. This week the White House said the economy is continuing to pick up steam, but then went on to say that the unemployment rate is still "unacceptably high." Incidentally, being "unacceptably high" is also a big reason many people are unemployed.
I guess it's all the legal weed now. More and more people are smoking pot. In fact I read that Colorado is seeing a large number of people moving to the state because of its new marijuana law. While other states are seeing a large number of people moving there because they THINK it's Colorado. (STONER) "Whoa - I had NO IDEA the Statue of Liberty was in Colorado! Cool, man!"
Oh, this could be very big. I just read that the company that owns Chuck E. Cheese is now considering buying Dave & Buster's for one billion dollars. Or, ten trillion skee-ball tickets.
This is pretty interesting. A new survey found that 21 percent of Americans say religion isn't that important to them. Then God said, (PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE) "Looks like 21 percent of Americans are about to have a really bad hair day..."
And finally, Here's some sports news. An Alaskan native just won the state's Iditarod dog sledding race with a record time of eight days, and 13 hours. Afterward he said, "Yes! We did it!" And his dogs said, "Who's this 'we'?"