Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON Week of 10/26

Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON for the week of October 26 - October 30:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.26.15

Welcome to the Tonight Show! I'm Trippy Fallon.

Yeah, yeah, keep clapping you showoffs!

Of course, as you may have heard, I had yet ANOTHER mishap. This time, I injured my OTHER hand right after getting an award from Harvard. That's right - even when I get into Harvard, I still embarrass my parents. (MOM) "You couldn't go ONE NIGHT, could you?!"

But I got the nicest messages from everyone over the weekend. Fans sent me get well soon cards, while my hand doctor sent me a picture of his new Ferrari.

Hey, I want to say Happy Birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today! When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, (OBVIOUS) "Donald Trump."

I saw that this weekend, Bill Clinton and Katy Perry headlined a major event for Hillary in Iowa. Bill asked Katy how they could reach younger voters, while Katy asked Bill why they were the only two there. (CLINTON) "So, are you bipartisan?"

And last week, Democratic candidates Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb announced that they are dropping out of the race. Which raises the question, "What if TWO trees fall in the forest, and there's nobody there to hear it?..."

"The man you've been waiting for... Licorice Coffee!" If he had any second thoughts, right there, he knew he made the right decision.

Over on the Republican side, the candidates will hold another debate this week, and it'll take place in Colorado. Which will get weird when stoners see Ben Carson speak and say, (STONER) "Whoa - what's HE smoking?"

Oh, this made me laugh. Yesterday, our pal Chris Christie was kicked out of the Amtrak quiet car for talking too loudly. Yeah, Christie on the train - marking the first time the little engine said, "I DON'T think I can...I DON'T think I can..."

That's right, Chris Christie was kicked out of an Amtrak quiet car. Apparently he was laughing a little too loud when he heard that I injured my OTHER hand. ("That's what you get, Fallon!")

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.27.15

This is cool - both the WORLD SERIES and the new NBA season started tonight! Or as most people put it, "Damn, there's no football on."

I just want to acknowledge that the first game of the WORLD SERIES happened tonight. We tape before the game, but let me just be the first to say, "May the best Mets win."

Yeah, it's been a crazy day. New York has a team in the WORLD SERIES and Donald Trump is no longer ahead in the polls - I think we're back to normal, everyone!

Of course the other big news in Washington right now is Paul Ryan, who finally agreed to run Speaker of the House even though he's repeatedly said he didn't want to run. So basically, Paul Ryan is that guy at karaoke who just pretends like he doesn't want to sing. "Oh no, I couldn't possibly--(SING INTO MIC) Just a small town girl! Livin' in a LONELY wooooooorld..."

And here's some good news for people who are making holiday travel plans. American Airlines just announced that it will start offering "no-frills" tickets that don't cost as much. The discounted tickets eliminate previously free services such as snacks, seat selection, or destination selection. "Oh, you wanted the East Coast of THIS country?..."

Oh, and listen to this. Walmart has sent a request to the FAA to start testing drones that will deliver products right to your door. They say it's all part of their plan to keep Walmart customers out of Walmart. (HICK) "Uh...my alligator needs to use the ladies room!"

And I saw that a biscuit that survived the sinking of the Titanic in 1912 just sold at auction for over 20 thousand dollars. Unfortunately, Chris Christie misunderstood what they meant by the name "Titanic Biscuit." (This is just a regular-sized biscuit!)

Yeah, a biscuit that survived the sinking of the Titanic just sold at auction for over 20 thousand dollars. Which begs the question: (SEINFELD) Why didn't they make the entire ship out of those biscuits?! The biscuits should be made out of the ship - the ship should be out of the biscuits!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.28.15

Of course, it's the WORLD SERIES between the Mets and the Royals. Man, last night was a crazy game. And if you missed it, don't worry - cuz they're re-releasing it in a 12-DVD boxed set. (It was a long one!)

Last night, the Mets' Bartolo Colon became the oldest pitcher to lose a WORLD SERIES game. You can tell he's old, cuz when the manager came out to talk to him, he was just happy to have a visitor. (OLD) "Are you one of my grandkids?"

Meanwhile, LINDSAY Graham's green room was just the front seat of his rental car. (LINDSAY) "I'm double parked outside y'all, so let me know when the debate starts!

Check this out. A Canadian burger chain is now offering hamburgers stuffed with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. So to answer your question - yes, there IS a wrong way to eat a Reese's.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.29.15

We have "Last Man on Earth" star Will Forte on the show tonight! We also have Kate Upton on the show tonight! Yeah, it's every guy's dream - being THE LAST MAN ON EARTH with Kate Upton. (NERD) "Hey Kate, looks like it's just me and you! Still no? Okay!" (You'd rather be alone.)

And Halloween is just a couple days away, you guys! Everybody's getting in the spirit. In fact last night, I watched TWO scary movies: the Republican debate and the Mets game. (I'll be having nightmares for WEEKS!)

And Carly Fiorina said that after the previous debate, people told her she needed to smile more. They were like, "Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people."

In his closing comments, Rand Paul said that he is running to create a government so small that you can barely see it. Paul said it would be modeled after his presidential campaign.

At the early debate last night, Bobby Jindal was asked what smartphone apps he uses, and Jindal admitted that he still uses a BlackBerry. Even BlackBerry was like, "Bobby Jindal is still around?!"

This is pretty big. It was announced that China officially ended its one-child policy this week and will allow parents to have two children. So over the next few nights, the only thing that will be "made in China" (BARRY WHITE) is love. (BEAT) In bed.

Listen to this. Police in Massachusetts are looking for two men who stole 14 hundred dollars from a cash box at a Bingo night. They say the men were last seen driving west on (PICK UP BINGO NUMBER/YELL) I-90...I-90!"

And finally, there are reports that a movie is in the works based on the game Monopoly. They say the movie will be just like the game, cuz it's four hours long and ends with your family fighting.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.30.15

Oh and get this. The Department of Energy also says it's developing a facility that can turn pumpkins into useful energy. It's called "Starbucks."

Let's get to some political news here. I saw that the New York Times published an op-ed about Chris Christie's campaign titled, "Chris Christie, Time to Go Home." Incidentally, that's the same thing that the people at Golden Corral say when they're closing. ("You can't stay here!")

Oh, and don't forget guys. This Sunday is the end of Daylight Savings Time, when we all get an extra hour of sleep! Which means Ben Carson will be getting...25 hours of sleep.

This was kind of a sweet story I saw today. I read about a 73-year-old man who turned in his collection of half a million pennies he's found on the street throughout his life, amounting to over five-thousand dollars. When asked what he'll do with the money, Bernie Sanders said, "Finance my campaign!"

Some more tech news. I saw that the new Apple TV has a feature where if you ask Siri "What did that character say," the TV will rewind to 15 seconds earlier. They're calling the feature, "Watching TV with my Mom." (MOM) "What did he say? Who is that? Why are they kissing? What else is she in? Nah that wasn't it. Who is that woman?" "It's the opening credits, mom!"