Javier Muñoz, who once a week portrays the title role in the hit Broadway musical Hamilton, opened up to PEOPLE about his recent cancer diagnosis, enduring chemotherapy treatments and his new outlook on life.
"I'm not someone who gets scared," he shared with the magazine. "It's a very rare occasion that I genuinely feel just fear. I can get anxious, apprehensive about things. It's a rare thing in my life to find myself face to face with something I'm scared of, and I was scared of this. I had never been more scared in my life."
He continued, "I look at all the positive on this side of things now that I'm through all the surgery and the treatments, and I'm strong and the weight has come back on my body and my endurance is back, and I regret that I was so silent."
Following surgery and radiation treatments, Muñoz then began physical therapy to prepare for his return to
Hamilton. But, as he warned the cast in an email prior to his first day back, he wasn't the same person. He had lost a great deal of weight, and after he had returned to his previous size and shape his castmate Jonathan Groff remarked that when he first returned, he was "half a Javi" a term Muñoz recalls with laughter.
The actor first returned to
Hamilton on January 17. Describing the three-hour, dance-intensive show that spans decades of the title character's life as "a canyon," he recalled thinking, "'I'm never going to reach the other side.' It looked impossible at the start. It was immense work to get through it." He credits his cast mates for helping him get through the night. "I will never forget the energy of that cast," he said emphatically, while recalling how, during the last number of the show, everyone onstage made sure to smile or wink at him before he walked onstage.
Pausing briefly as his eyes filled with tears, Muñoz said, "I'm not supposed to cry in that moment. But I was so relieved and proud and moved and in love with every single person on that stage. I couldn't hold it together. I was breathing heavy, not because I was tired, but because I was so emotional. I was trying to play the moment and trying to be true to the moment, but the emotions were really overwhelming. I ended up finally tearing and crying, but every single person on that stage had my back. I felt it."
Reflecting on his experience, Muñoz said he possesses a heightened awareness of how his life has changed, much of it for the better, especially when he reflects on his relationships with his friends and family. "I look back at diagnosis and treatment ... it's like 100 years passed," he said. "I didn't know what day it was, what hour it was, what time of day it was anymore. It was one long epic day, and it feels like it spans 100 years ... I look back at my fear of sharing this and my fear of allowing people into the process and that's why I look back with those eyes.
"There's such a thing as healthy fear, but in this case I didn't allow myself to really discover how much love and support there was for me. But I know now. And I know going forward that has to be nurtured. It's important to allow people in your life in that way ... as hard as it can be."
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Source: PEOPLE
Photo Credit: Walter McBride / WM Photos
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