Guest Blog: Margaret Thatcher Queen of Soho On Brexit

Hello dears,

It's me, Margaret Thatcher, former Prime Minister and friendly neighbourhood global cabaret superstar.

And I've returned not a moment too soon, because Theresa May seems to have got herself into a pickle bigger than the biggest pickle at the international pickle growing tournament the year before the Russian pickle growing team were suspended for genetically modifying their pickles.

Of course, I'm talking about Brexit.

Arguing about whether we should leave or remain in the EU is the 2016 trend that's proven longer lasting than dabbing, and is also the thing everyone would much rather stop listening to than the music of Michael Jackson.

But what is Brexit? Well, allow me to explain...

THE EU

I've never agreed that Britain should be a member of any European Community... apart from all those years when I did. Yes, I know there's a picture of me wearing a jumper with all those flags on it, but we've all worn things we regret - just ask Prince Harry.

I'm all in favour of a withdrawal agreement (also the name of the deal I had with Denis prior to the conception of Mark and Carol). Essentially, the EU is an overly bureaucratic, unaccountable and undemocratic body, and the British political system does all of those things perfectly well on its own, thank you very much!

DEAL OR NO DEAL

Theresa May has worked tirelessly over two and a half years to negotiate a deal that has united Parliament in the same way that the film The Green Book united the black community... against it. No group is prepared to compromise, and there are more red lines in Westminster than Where's Wally's wardrobe.

As a result, Theresa May has now moved onto Plan G, which is identical to Plans A through F, offering up her original deal again for another vote like a bullied child optimistically packing their bag for a new school year convinced that this term the football team will want to be friends with them.

THE OPPOSITION

But where are the opposition? Well, Jeremy Corbyn has cleverly mastered the Blairite art of triangulation by not voicing his private opinion that it's all George Soros's fault. The Independent Group are bravely defying political convention by announcing their intention to lose their seats at the next election. And the Liberal Democrats are there too, apparently.

THE IRISH BACKSTOP

Look, it's not that I don't have opinions about this, but I think I'm the last person in the world who should be giving advice on how to avoid tensions in Northern Ireland.

YEAH, NOW GO, WALK OUT THE DOOR, JUST TURN AROUND NOW, CAUSE I DON'T NEED EU ANYMORE

Would a no-deal scenario even be that bad? Well, it depends on who you ask. The majority of economists, business experts and employers say yes, and that exiting the EU without a deal would have catastrophic effects on our trade relationships that could take years to undo. But alternatively, Jacob Rees-Mogg says it'll probably be fine, and he knows how to speak in Latin!

BEST OF THREE?

Of course, the worst case scenario is that we might have a second referendum. Needless to say this is about as popular among Brexiteers as a photograph of Andrew Adonis, JK Rowling and Jean-Claude Juncker eating bratwurst whilst on a skiing holiday in the French Alps with a burning effigy of Winston Churchill in the background.

But Remoaners say that it's illogical to oppose a people's vote. They say you wouldn't cancel the next General Election just because you had one a few years ago - although this is something I argued for throughout the 1980s.

WILL IT ACTUALLY HAPPEN?

With the deadline looming, there's more talk about extensions than in a branch of Claire's Accessories. And after John Bercow's intervention, it's now unclear whether Brexit will happen at all.

The whole thing feels like when you get roped into watching a relative's holiday slideshow: you didn't want to do it in the first place, it seems to just go round in circles, it's worse than you thought it would be, and it just won't end.

All in all, you might as well come and forget about your worries at my fabulous show Margaret Thatcher Queen of Soho at Wilton's Music Hall, 26-30 March - because, unlike Brexit, it will definitely happen.

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