Student Blog: My Second Act

I’ve been a student for basically my entire life. I have not always known what lay ahead for me but I always had classes and homework to keep me busy and keep me grounded. That has always been a sort of safety net for me, even during the COVID-19 isolation period and after I graduated with my bachelor’s degree. Now, however, having just graduated with my master’s degree, I feel a bittersweetness that I had not experienced before. I took my proverbial final bow for this era of my life. Now, I have to live, even if with lots of fear, more boldly than ever before. Aside from feeling fearful beyond belief and feeling all of the nerves that come with it, I am also excited and hopeful.  This is where - whether I am ready or not - my show goes on.

It has taken me a lot of hard work, both academically and emotionally, to get to where I am now. In all honesty, I don’t always remember that. So I guess this is my way of reminding myself and of reminding you, whoever you are reading this, that we all have losses but if we dare to accept them, we all have wins… and there is no such thing as a “small” win. Academic environments, even though I am technically book smart, have always been challenging for some reason. After graduating high school, which was a huge accomplishment for me, I started my bachelor’s in history at a Florida university. I switched my major to biology after facing some judgement for my previously-chosen major. I met some amazing people, some of whom I am lucky enough to call some of my best friends. In that sense I would not trade the 3.5 years I lasted in that program for anything. But, it was 3.5 years that I spent dedicating myself to something my heart wasn’t in whatsoever. After a near crash and burn, I switched back to history. I met many other incredible people there that I treasure to this day. I am, clearly, not the best at making decisions (even though it took me this long to figure it out). An abandoned master’s concentration (and only 2 semesters short of that graduation) later, I am about to receive a master’s in something I don’t see myself going into as a lifelong career. This all being because my passions always seemed so distant from me; not “normal”. I realize now that I am the one with the power to bring myself closer to my dreams of being somehow involved in performance art.

I had a few experiences as a background chorus member in elementary school plays. I was in the Stetson University youth choir at that age too. I was - read this - too scared to sing so I would just mouth the words in front of people because that alone was nerve-wracking enough. I took an introduction to theatre class in my first semester of college. I saw a few productions, local and Broadway touring shows throughout my upbringing as well. All of this makes me think “what if?” but there really is no point in that because we only have now and the futures we forge for ourselves at this moment. 

Why the sudden dose of courage, you might ask. My universe dimmed after the loss of someone very important to me. Her passing flipped a switch in my brain in more ways than one. It made me decide it was time to let go of fear. I had to kick it in the butt and out of my life in order to truly live MY life and not within that feeling’s limitations. I would leave room for no more what-if’s. 

I love performance and theatre. Bringing stories to life and sharing feelings at least someone in this world can connect to. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared anymore but I figure doing things scared is better than not doing them at all, even if they don’t turn out the way I want. That and the race against time can be frustrating but things will only happen if and when they are meant to. That doesn’t mean I won’t try to push them along though. I now have one audition under my belt, along with several training classes, and various theatrical volunteer opportunities. I don’t know where this will lead but I will try my best and let this all run its course with all of my best effort. I have plans to take more acting classes and eventually move. I plan to keep trying to audition for theatre or local film productions. I have to be able to say I tried to make my passions come true for me. It is definitely a scary industry from the outside looking in but I will take things one step at a time.

I feel exhilaration when watching people perform. It’s almost a surreal experience to watch people make themselves and their messages into art. I felt that same exhilaration during my audition, even though I did not get the part. Performance has helped me not only dream bigger but simply dream at all. Those feelings of passion and pure joy mean something. Finding out what they mean is a quest I’ll be on for a long time; hopefully forever. Even if I cannot be in the business of art-making as a profession, I still want to make art and have others’ art in my life as closely as possible and I will fight for that, even if against myself. 

So, as it turns out, even in this second act of my life, I’ll keep being a student. You will too. We will always be students because life always has something to teach us, whether we want to or are ready to learn it in any way at all. My show will and must go on. Yours does too. This is where I do, not just where I plan to. It’s time to work towards making my dreams my reality in whatever ways I can. I know you can do the same... because it's only too late if we tell ourselves it is.