Quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, 9/28-10/2

Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON September 28 - October 2.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.28.15

It's a big week for New York. We have leaders from 193 countries in town for the U.N. General Assembly. Yeah, 193 countries! Or as Donald Trump put it, (TRUMP) "Offended THEM, offended THEM, offended them TWICE...Ooh, still need to insult them..."

Of course, President Obama is also in town for the U.N. General Assembly. And tomorrow, he plans to meet with the president of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev. Or as Obama will call him, "Uhh...hey, chief!"

Some more political news. Hillary Clinton went on "Meet the Press" yesterday, and I saw that Chuck Todd actually showed her a video of all the times she's flip-flopped on issues. At first Hillary said she felt bad about it, but now she says she feels okay about it.

And this weekend, Pope Francis wrapped up his trip to the U.S. And I saw that while he was in Philadelphia, the Pope visited a prison. He said he couldn't believe how dirty and overcrowded it was, then his assistant was like, "This is just the Amtrak station, we haven't gotten to the prison yet."

I saw that next month, Delta will begin opening company spas at certain airports so that employees can get a massage. And if PASSENGERS want a massage, they can just leave their keys in their pockets when they go through security. (TSA GUY) "Hold up! Gotta give you a full-body pat-down!"

And this isn't good. A new report found that the voting machines in 43 states in the U.S. are at least a decade old, and need repairs. Then the crumbling elementary schools where they put those voting machines were like, "Same here!"

A new study finds that the happiest parents have four or more children. When asked why they were so happy, the parents said (LAUGHING HARD) "We're actually crying." (CRYING)

And finally, some big Science news. Today, NASA announced that it has finally discovered water on Mars. When they heard, Americans were like, (INDIFFERENT)

"Eh, tell us when they discover beer."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.29.15

President Obama and Vladimir Putin met yesterday at the U.N., but the White House and the Kremlin have been disagreeing about who asked who to meet. For my younger viewers, that means they were arguing about who swiped right first.

But after their meeting got off to a tense start, President Obama and Vladimir Putin wound up talking for 90 minutes, and Putin described the talks as "surprisingly open." Putin said it was the most productive conversation he'd ever had with someone who wasn't tied to a chair.

Oh and this is interesting. I read that Bill Clinton is reportedly going to start taking a more active role in Hillary Clinton's campaign. When asked why he's playing a bigger role, he said, (CLINTON) "Oh, I thought you said there was gonna be ROLE-playing." (That's why I'm dressed like a fireman.)

And a lot of people were upset about this. Facebook went down yesterday for the second time in a week. In fact it's gotten so bad, people are holding up their babies to strangers and shouting "Do you Like this??" "Do you Like this??...4 likes"

Some big movie news here. Vin Diesel recently said that he plans to end the "Fast and Furious" franchise with three more movies. Just three more and that's it. I don't want to say they're running out of ideas, but in the next one, he just spends two hours looking for a parking spot at Costco. (DRIVING, SUSPENSEFUL) "I see one! No she just put something in her trunk! She's not leaving!"

And this isn't good here. Whole Foods announced yesterday that it is cutting 1,500 jobs. Although Whole Foods doesn't want to call them "unemployed". They're calling them "free range employees."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.30.15

Check this out. The New York Times Magazine just did a big profile on Donald Trump who some say is still the front runner for the Republican nomination. And get this, it turns out that he usually gets only four hours of sleep a night. Which explains why today he looked in the mirror and said, (TRUMP) "You're tired."

Yeah, the story says that Donald Trump gets so little sleep, he actually suffers from sleep deprivation. Then again, so do most people who think about Donald Trump becoming president.

And this is big. NSA leaker Edward Snowden joined Twitter yesterday, and immediately got more followers than the NSA. Which raises an interesting question: WHO'S following the NSA on Twitter? (NERD) "Let's see if there's any interesting wrinkles in the senate drone act."

And I don't know if any of you fell for this, but apparently there's been some hoaxes going around on Facebook lately that say you may need to pay money in order to keep your statuses private. And this is cool, just by mentioning that on the show, I won a free iPad!

Oh, I found this hard to believe, but a new study found that David Beckham and his wife Victoria Beckham are actually richer than Queen Elizabeth. Or in other words, Posh Spice is doing better than Old Spice.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.1.15

I saw that Donald Trump's wife Melania just gave an interview where she said their nine-year-old son Barron wants to grow up to be a golfer, a businessman, and a pilot. When Melania told him that's very unlikely to happen, he replied, "Dad's in first place for president, anything can happen."

That's right, much to the dismay of many Republicans, a new report said Donald Trump is still leading in the polls, and one voter was quoted as saying, "Unfortunately, I'm leaning toward Trump." Even worse, that voter was Jeb Bush! (Whatever it takes to end this thing.)

Hey, I want to say congrats to the Toronto Blue Jays for making the playoffs for the first time in 22 years. Because nothing says America's pastime more than a bunch of guys from the Dominican Republic playing for a team in Canada.

And I read that after facing protests, Whole Foods announced that it will no longer sell food that has been prepared by prison inmates. Customers were like, "This is great news - wait, WHAT?! What's going on?" ("Is that why there was a shiv in my quinoa? At least it was an organic shiv.")

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.2.15

Oh this isn't good. I read that Donald Trump's hotel chain may have experienced a data breach that may have exposed people's debit and credit card information to hackers for more than a year. When asked how he planned on fixing the situation, Trump was like, (TRUMP) "I'm gonna build a HUUUUGE firewall. And I'm gonna make the hackers pay for it!"

And more of Hillary Clinton's e-mails were just released, and one showed that she had made a list of talking points for a trip to LA in case she ran into Ellen DeGeneres. Which is ironic, cuz BILL actually does the same thing in case he runs into HILLARY. (BILL) "Hillary! (LOOKS AT NOTES) Is that a new haircut?"

And it's actually a really big weekend for TV. Yeah, "The Good Wife," "Homeland" and "CSI: Cyber" all have their season premieres on Sunday. Yeah, shows about a political scandal, secretive foreign diplomacy and e-mail security - or as Hillary put it, "Lived it, lived it, LIVING it."

This is pretty crazy, I heard that a recent computer glitch allowed a man to temporarily buy the domain Google.com for only 12 dollars. Of course Google wanted to buy it back, and the company made him a generous offer of not releasing his search history. "Aaaaand sold! Nice doin' business with ya!" (And here's ten bucks for your trouble!)

This is kind of a weird story. A man in Denver got 900 dollars worth of Botox treatments yesterday and then ran out of the doctor's office without paying. Yeah, the man is described as looking nothing like his description. "Now he looks sort of like a surprised Voldemort?"

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