Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON September 21 - September 25
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.21.15
Of course, the 67th Emmy Awards were last night in Los Angeles, and temperatures on the red carpet got to be around 100 degrees. But on the bright side - I finally got to say I looked hot on the red carpet! Seeing mirages.
Yeah, temperatures on the red carpet reached 100 degrees. In fact it was the first time that Hollywood stars actually looked like their wax figures. (I'm pretty sure
Ryan Seacrest was actually melting at one point.)
But man are we excited about tonight's show. We have Republican presidential candidate and former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina on the show tonight! First she's gonna talk about the campaign, then she's gonna help me fix the paper jam in our printer. (We put in a work order two years ago.)
And I read that certain data that measures how often a candidate's name is mentioned showed that
Donald Trump is actually fading from the media spotlight. You can tell Trump's status has faded, cuz today, he was named a contestant on "Celebrity Apprentice."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.22.15
Of course, the big story is that Pope Francis arrived in Washington D.C. today. And I saw that
President Obama actually picked him up at the airport. When asked how the Pope will get BACK to the airport, Obama was like, (OBAMA) "Uber." (And watch out for that surge pricing.)
That's right,
President Obama picked up Pope Francis at the airport. Because what better way to alleviate the traffic the Pope is about to cause than sending out a presidential motorcade? Yeah, if you wana make it home for dinner you should have left a month ago.
Yeah, the trip to Washington DC has actually been very educational for the Pope. You know, cuz he's only ever read about purgatory.
And I saw that top Congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis' visit, including a request to not shake his hand. Apparently they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope, they'll burst into flames.
But the big political story is that another presidential candidate decided to call it quits yesterday. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced that he is dropping out of the GOP presidential race after just 70 days. Walker said he knew when it was the right time to leave, but for some reason he stayed in the race for another two-and-a-half months.
And I saw that yesterday,
Hillary Clinton visited New Orleans to speak about the health care system. Though it was pretty embarrassing when someone threw beads at her and yelled, (OBNOXIOUS) "Woohoo! Show us your emails!"
Some TV news here. I saw that "The
JERRY SPRINGER Show" returned to the air this week, and
CELEBRATED its 25th season. In fact it's been on so long, guests are like, (SPRINGER GUEST, POIGNANT) "You know what? I feel like y'all DO know me."
And last night was the premiere of "Blindspot" on NBC. It's about a woman who wakes up with a bunch of tattoos she can't remember getting. Or as that's also called, "How everyone gets a tattoo." (DRUNK) "I want Heathcliff sitting in a giant martini glass!"
Yeah, the new drama series "Blindspot" premiered last night, and it opened with a scene where a woman wakes up completely naked in Times Square. Then someone handed her an Elmo costume and went, "This is how we all get started."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.23.15
Hey, today is the first day of Fall! You can tell it's getting colder, cuz today I saw a rat on the subway trying to carry a Pumpkin Spice Latte.
Of course the big story right now is Pope Francis visiting the U.S. And I saw that yesterday, the Pope's plane couldn't land right away because he arrived earlier than planned. That's right, the Pope's flight was early. So I guess he really CAN perform miracles!
And get this, I read that officials actually banned strollers from one of the pope's speeches. Babies were like, "But we can't walk!" and their parents said, (SOLEMN) "And that was when I carried you." Deep cut. Little footprints.
Let's get to some political news here. I heard that
Chris Christie recently ordered the leader of the New Jersey National Guard to lose weight within the next 90 days. And if he doesn't, Christie will eat him.
And this is pretty big news. Yesterday, a federal judge ruled that the "Happy Birthday" song is now public domain, so no one has to pay to use it in movies or TV anymore. Not to be confused with the "Happy Birthday" songs in restaurants, which people WOULD pay to never hear again. (CLAPPING) "Happy happy happy - birthday birthday birthday...happy happy happy, it's your day!-" "STOP IT! We can't afford Happy Birthday here..."
And listen to this, the Dalai Lama raised some eyebrows during a recent interview when he said that if a future Dalai Lama is female, she would have to be very attractive, otherwise there's "not much use." Man, I knew the Dalai Lama believed in reincarnation, but I never realized he'd come back as
Donald Trump.
Oh this was pretty interesting. A team of scientists in Montana announced that they discovered the fossils of a dinosaur nicknamed "Ava" that they describe as looking like a "fat pony." Then the dinosaur was like, "Yeah, let's stick with 'Ava.'" (I think Ava's better than Fat Pony.)
And finally this a crazy story out of the UK. Earlier this week, commuters in England were surprised to see a bunch of crabs crawling around a subway station. Not to be confused with the way you get crabs on New York's subway: Sitting.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.24.15
Please, please sit down. Now please stand up. Now kneel. Now stand up again! (Sorry, I've got Pope Fever!)
And I saw that Pope Francis also held his first-ever prayer here in New York City earlier this evening. Yeah, I guess it was halfway through his first New York City cab ride. (BLESS SELF RAPIDLY, PRAY WITH EYES CLOSED) "Holy Mary mother of God, pray for our sinners..."
While he was in Washington, the Pope gave a major speech to Congress, and asked them to accept immigrants as their own children. Then congressmen were like, "Eh, we've already got enough children our wives don't know about."
And in a speech yesterday, Pope Francis urged American bishops to quote, "flee the temptation of narcissism." Then bishops were like, "Oooh! He's talking about us!"
Let's get to some political news. This week, Scott Walker became the latest Republican to drop out of the race for president. Mrs. Walker's here. And a member of his staff said that Walker plans to give two-thirds of his campaign donations to Marco Rubio. Although it got weird when Walker asked Rubio if he had change for a five. ("Eh, just owe me the dollar.")
And
Donald Trump announced yesterday that he will no longer be appearing on
Fox News because he believes they treat him unfairly. Then
President Obama was like, (GENTLE LAUGH) "You. Are. ADORABLE! Really? Wow." ("Tell me more about how unfair they are to you.")
Check this out. Starbucks just updated its app so that you can now order your coffee ahead of time and pick it up at the shop without having to wait in line. Because nobody wants to spend all day waiting around at Starbucks - except for 80 percent of the people at Starbucks. (LOOKING AROUND) "Just gonna hop on the wi-fi and stream all of the "Lord of the Rings" movies. What? I bought a cup of coffee."
And finally, this is cool. "The Peanuts Movie" is coming out this fall, and a lot of people have been using their "Peanutize Me" website to make Charlie Brown-like versions of themselves. And if you're not familiar with the "Peanutize Me" website, type it in VERY carefully.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.25.15
I'm your host,
Jimmy Fallon, and I want to welcome everyone here today...who couldn't get tickets to see the Pope.
Yeah the big story is the Pope's visit to New York this week. And this morning, Pope Francis addressed the United Nations General Assembly, and rode around inside the UN building in a golf cart. People will never forget what the Pope said as he passed them: "WHEEEEEEEEE!"
Actually, traffic is really backed up here in New York City because of the Pope's visit, but a company called Blade is offering 95 dollar helicopter rides around the city. Even the Pope said, "I believe in God, but not enough to take a 95-dollar helicopter ride."
And did you see this? Yesterday as Pope Francis rode down Fifth Avenue,
Donald Trump actually stepped out of Trump Tower with his son , Donald Jr., and got booed by the crowd. Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) "I guess they really don't like you Donald, Jr.!"
Oh, but the big story out of Washington today is House Speaker
John Boehner, who announced that he is resigning from Congress. When he heard Congress lost Boehner,
John McCain said, (MCCAIN) "Oh I gotta a little blue pill for that." (SHOUTING TO OLD MAN) "No, BOEHNER. We lost House Speaker Boehner!" It's pronounced Bay-ner.
I thought this was pretty interesting. According to a new report, e-book sales have started to go down as people turn back to reading books in print. People said that while e-books are convenient, you simply can't put them on a shelf in your apartment to make yourself look smart. (Let's be honest - that's the whole point of books.)
And finally, this is pretty crazy. New research shows that monkeys enjoy movies, and can even follow plot lines. So if you're keeping score - that's monkeys: one, my mom: zero. (MOM) "Who's he? Is that the bad guy?" "It's a commercial, mom."
