Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 5/14-5/18

Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 5/14-5/18:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.14.18

I hope you all had a good Mother's Day yesterday! A lot of people celebrated. I saw that President Trump made a Mother's Day video where he called his mom, "A great person - really warm, and really smart." Which can only mean one thing - Trump was adopted.

Trump released a video message for Mother's Day where he called his mom "warm" but also "tough." Then he released another video where he said the same thing about a thin crust pizza.

Let's get to some news. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said that Kim Jong Un watches American TV and probably watches FOX News. Then Kim was like, "Sorry, but I only watch Riverdale."

Get this. A lot of people think the U.S. might be starting a trade war with China, but this weekend, Trump tweeted, quote, "Be cool. It'll all work out." In a related story, the president may have just discovered weed.

Check this out. Rudy Giuliani said that lately, Trump has only been eating half the bun on his burgers to be healthier. And also because Trump knows that if he grabs a full bun, he's gonna owe it $130,000.

Guys, I saw that Starbucks just announced that now anyone can use its restrooms, even if they haven't bought anything. Then everyone was like, "Cool - so we'll just continue doing what we're doing."

And finally, this isn't good. Chili's just reported that their data was breached and customer information may have gotten out. Chili's customers are pretty upset, they're like, "I want my data back, data back, data back."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.15.18

After several White House leaks in the past few weeks, President Trump says he's going to find out who the leakers are. He says he's got a plan: he's going to wait for someone to leak who the leakers are.

I read that Kim Jong Un might cancel his big meeting with Trump cuz the U.S. and South Korea haven't stopped their joint military exercises. Then Trump was like, "So just to be safe, I'm cancelling ALL my exercises."

And today, Trump put out a statement offering best wishes to everyone observing Ramadan. Trump said, "I love Ramadan, I love the noodles. I lived off of it in college. How can it only be 25 cents?!"

Get this. I read that in the 80s, Trump was actually a promoter for Rolling Stones concerts. Trump hated the song "Let's Spend The Night Together," cuz every time he said it, he'd have to pay a woman 130,000 dollars.

I saw that Khloe Kardashian posted that the first thing she ate after giving birth was McDonald's hash browns. When asked when she started craving McDonald's, she was like, "Right after they offered me two million dollars to mention the hash browns."

Some tech news. Soon you'll be able to control your TiVo using the Amazon Alexa. That story again: soon you'll be going over to your parents' house to fix both their TiVo and their Amazon Alexa.

I saw that Verizon is introducing a cheaper unlimited service plan, where data will load more slowly. Verizon even has a name for the service: Sprint.

This is crazy. A golf resort in Oregon is training goats to be caddies. Even weirder, they're hiring local teenagers to eat the grass on the fairway.

And finally, you guys, the Royal Wedding is this Saturday! And I saw that you can buy Royal Wedding-themed condoms. But if you're the kind of person who buys Royal Wedding-themed condoms, I'm guessing you're probably not gonna get a chance to use them.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.16.18

Today, over 2,000 pages of testimony were released about the 2016 meeting between Donald Trump Jr. and a Russian lawyer. The president heard and was like, "You lost me at 2,000 pages...and lost me again at Don Jr."

In the documents, Don Jr. admits he can't remember if he discussed the Russia investigation with his dad. Meanwhile, his dad admits he can't remember which one is Eric and which one is Don Jr.

This is big. There's talk that Kim Jong Un might back out of his meeting with President Trump. When asked why, Kim said, "Cuz Trump hears 'Yanny' and I hear 'Laurel.'"

Kim Jong Un might cancel his meeting with Trump where they were supposed to discuss North Korea's nuclear weapons. Trump was like, "How could someone just pull out of a nuclear agreement?" Iran was like, "I know, it's crazy, right?"

Guys, the Royal Wedding is just three days away! Which means in just three days, the world will finally get to see the queen do the Electric Slide.

Actually, Dunkin' Donuts is celebrating the Royal Wedding by offering a heart-shaped donut, and Chili's is offering special burger-inspired hats. Which explains our new slogan: "America: We Don't Understand Royalty."

Guys, I heard about a restaurant in New York that's now serving hummus smoothies. They're actually zero calories because you suck so hard on the straw you pass out.

And finally, a new survey found that Green Bay, Wisconsin is the drunkest city in the U.S. You can tell, cuz no one in Green Bay remembers answering that survey.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.17.18

You guys, today is the one-year anniversary of the start of Robert Mueller's Russia investigation. President Trump celebrated the same way he honors all his anniversaries: he forgot.

Guys, the Royal Wedding is this Saturday! After the ceremony, HARRY and Meghan will ride around in a carriage to wave at the public. While their guests will be back at the reception going, "When the hell are they gonna feed us?"

And finally, Levi's just released a smart jacket that lets you know when your Uber arrives. It's great for people who love to have all the latest gadgets... except a phone.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.18.18

Guys, the Royal Wedding is tomorrow! That's right, Prince HARRY and Meghan Markle will be tying the knot at Windsor Castle in Great Britain. Yeah, The Dean of Windsor will perform the service, the Archbishop of Canterbury will do the vows, and the Queen will DJ the after-party.

Get this. I read that HARRY and Meghan met on a blind date. Here's how they planned it - Meghan was like, "I'll be wearing a blue shirt," and HARRY was like "I'll be...Prince Harry."

And I heard that Cardi B said she's a fan of the Royals, and wanted to perform at the wedding. It'd be worth it just to hear her greet the Queen with, "Hello, Your Majesturrrrr!"

Listen to this. In an interview this week Gayle King revealed that Oprah has smoked weed before, but doesn't do it regularly. The last time Oprah smoked, she woke up the next day and said, "Wait - I gave away HOW MANY cars?"

Guys, today is National Visit Your Relatives Day. Which means tomorrow is National Remember Why We Don't Visit Our Relatives Day.

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