Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 4/30 - 5/4

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.30.18

Guys, I'm so glad you're here - even if it's just because the "Avengers" movie was sold out.

This weekend, "Avengers: Infinity War" had the biggest box office opening of all time! Which is good, cuz if it bombed, nobody wanted to be THE ONE to tell the Hulk.

Let's get to some news. Saturday was the White House Correspondents Dinner, and Trump called it "a very big, boring bust." This is the first time in history Trump has called a big bust "boring."

Some people got upset at the dinner when comedian Michelle WOLF made fun of members of the Trump administration. The president was furious; he was like, "Nobody makes a mockery of my staff except ME!"

This is nice. The Royal Family just announced the name of William and Kate's newborn son: Louis Arthur Charles. I guess they couldn't decide on a royal-sounding name, so they just went with all of them.

And finally, I saw that Amazon is raising the price of its Prime membership by 20 dollars. Which sounds like a lot, 'til you remember what it feels like to make eye contact with a cashier when you buy a 40-pack of toilet paper.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.1.18

Speaking of Trump. Today, he hosted the Army football team at the White House for a trophy ceremony. They all played a game of catch, and the quarterback kept telling Trump to go long until he just disappeared.

The president was with the Army football team. Trump loves football, cuz the "two-minute drill" reminds him of his night with Stormy Daniels.

Guys, the nominations for the TONY AWARDS came out today, and "Mean Girls," "SpongeBob," and "Harry Potter" all got nominated. And I saw that Bruce Springsteen is getting a special Tony for his hit show as well. I'll be watching, just to hear Bruce say, "It's an honor to share this award with my Broadway peers, SpongeBob and HARRY Potter."

And finally, I saw that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg just attended the premiere of a documentary about her life. Even she was like, "I'm only here because 'Avengers' is sold out."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.2.18

Guys, it was almost 90 degrees in New York City today! It was so hot, President Trump's lawyer spent the day fanning himself with hush money.

Speaking of the president. His doctor wrote a letter calling Trump the healthiest president ever. But now the doctor is saying Trump dictated the letter himself! Trump was like, "Yes, I dictated it. And I'm one of the healthiest dictators ever elected."

In the letter, Trump said that "his physical strength is extraordinary." Then he used TWO hands to drink a tiny glass of water.

That's right, the doctor, Harold Bornstein, let Trump write the letter for him. Later, Trump was asked why he has such a bad doctor, and he said, "Because I'm on the Republican health care plan!"

The Russia investigation is heating up. I saw that if Trump's lawyers don't agree to a sit-down interview with Mueller, he'll issue a subpoena. Trump was like, "No problem, I love Subpoena. She's my favorite Teenage Witch."

This is big, you guys. Facebook is coming out with their own dating service. So now you can meet someone on Facebook, before dating them, breaking up, and then stalking them on Facebook.

I heard that scientists just named a newly discovered beetle after Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately it froze in the ocean after the beetle's girlfriend wouldn't share part of a leaf EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS CLEARLY ROOM ON THE LEAF FOR BOTH OF THEM!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.3.18

You guys, it was 90 degrees here in New York today! People were sweating like President Trump watching Rudy Giuliani on "Hannity."

Last night, Rudy Giuliani went on Fox News and revealed that Trump knew about AND paid for Stormy Daniels' hush money. Even Kanye was like, "You should probably stop talking."

That's right, Giuliani said that Trump knew about AND paid for Stormy Daniels' hush money. Which explains Trump's newest idea: paying Rudy Giuliani $130,000 in hush money.

I saw that when John Kelly became Trump's Chief of Staff, the Secret Service Director emailed him, saying, "Congratulations, I think." Which is the same thing everyone said to Melania at her bridal shower.

And this week, former FBI Director James Comey said that he's actually a big fan of Beyoncé. He said he first got into Beyoncé's music when Hillary Clinton smashed his car windshield with a baseball bat.

Some music news. A member of the band Journey said "Don't Stop Believing" was inspired by the time he borrowed money from his dad to pay his dog's vet bill. Apparently the dog was hit by a midnight train goin' anywhere.

Get this. A growing number of people are going to e-sport arenas to watch other people play video games. It combines the thrill of going to a live sporting event with the thrill of having an unemployed roommate.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.4.18

Guys, tomorrow is the KENTUCKY DERBY AND Cinco de Mayo! Or as that's also known: the SUPER BOWL of day-drinking.

And everybody's excited for the Kentucky Derby. And I heard that even though it lasts just two minutes, NBC's coverage begins six hours before the race. Yeah, six hours leading up to two minutes of action - or as the president calls that, "date night."

Speaking of the president. This week, Trump attended a National Day of Prayer event at the White House. And he spent the whole time praying Rudy Giuliani would stop doing interviews.

Actually Trump looked like he was bowing his head to pray - but he was really just Tweeting.

At the prayer event, Trump said that since he took office, more people are saying the phrase "under God." But I think he misheard them - they're actually saying "Oh dear God."

Some business news. The CEO of Subway is stepping down. Well, she's not stepping down, she's actually taking a bunch of tiny steps to the side.

Yeah, the CEO of Subway is stepping down. Her employees all shook her hand to say goodbye, then threw out their plastic gloves and put on another pair.

Listen to this. I read about a farm in Canada where the cows use a machine to milk themselves. Though it's weird when the farmer knocks on the door and all the cows yell, "Don't come in here!"