Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 12/7 - 12/11

Below, check out quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' December 7 - December 11:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.7.15

Hey, tonight is the second night of Hanukkah! Yep, it's a holiday that has eight nights. Unlike Christmas, which has three MONTHS starting in September.

Yep, Hanukkah started last night. And you can tell which of your friends aren't Jewish based on who had their phones autocorrect a message to "Happy Handkerchief."

But the big story on the Republican side is still Donald Trump. And a new poll showed that Trump has 36 percent support among Republicans, and Ted Cruz is in second place with 16 percent. Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is at three - not percent, people.

That's right, Donald Trump is 20 points ahead of the other Republican candidates. Even Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Okay, this isn't funny anymore." (I did this as a goof! I had no idea!)

And a new poll found that most Republican voters now think Trump is their party's best shot at winning the general election. Which is interesting cuz Democrats think Trump is THEIR party's best shot at winning the election.

Hey, I want to say congratulations to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who welcomed their second child on Saturday! He's the first baby in the maternity ward to get his picture taken by OTHER parents. (TAKING PICTURE) "This pic will pay for MY kid's college!"

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced that they named their new baby boy "Saint." Or as the baby calls it, "Yeah, not as bad as I was expecting." (Saint? I'll take it!)

Some more celebrity news. Pamela Anderson announced that she's going to be on the cover of Playboy's final issue that features nudity. I don't want to say Pam's getting older but in her centerfold bio, her "turn-ons" are "Long walks on the beach...with a metal detector."

Let's get to some sports here. Yesterday, the Philadelphia Eagles beat the New England Patriots. And Tom Brady threw two interceptions, including a 99-yard touchdown return that Brady said was "about as bad as you can do as a quarterback." Then the Cleveland Browns were like, "You're hired!"

Meanwhile, COLLEGE FOOTBALL just announced its bowl game matchups, and Clemson and Oklahoma will face off in the Orange Bowl, and Stanford will play Iowa in the Rose Bowl. While DeVry will once again play the University of Phoenix Online in the Sweatpants Bowl. (That one's always a great matchup.)

This is cool. A rocket was just sent to the International Space Station that carried Christmas presents for the astronauts. But unfortunately the astronauts didn't get to the door in time, so UPS left a note saying they'd try again tomorrow. (UNION) "We'll try one more time, then you gotta come back down and pick it up."

Check this out. Michigan's state senate just repealed 80 outdated laws, including one that banned people from trespassing on a huckleberry marsh. Which, as everyone knows, takes away all the fun of trespassing on a huckleberry marsh. "We only do it for the thrill!"

And this is kind of crazy here. I read that escaped Mexican drug lord El Chapo had 46 conjugal visits before he escaped from a maximum security prison in Mexico this summer. Well, now we know how he got so good at drilling that tunnel.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.8.15

You guys, we have Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders on the show tonight! And I saw that he just won Time magazine's reader's poll for Person of the Year. Or as he put it, (BERNIE) "BUT NOT SEXIEST MAN ALIVE?? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!"

Speaking of Bernie Sanders. He just unveiled a new climate change plan, and he promised to cut back on fossil fuels. Bernie really wants to cut down on fossil fuels - especially because they're made from his high school friends. (He's here but that doesn't mean we can't do jokes!)

But the big story right now of course is Donald Trump, who is in some really hot water right now. He got a lot of people upset when he released a statement yesterday that called for a ban on Muslims entering the United States, and even Dick Cheney said he'd gone too far. You know it's bad when Dick Cheney steps in to say, "Come on, have a heart, any heart." (Is this your heart?)

Speaking of Trump. The New York Times analyzed the 95 thousand words that he used in speeches last week and found patterns that aren't common in most presidents' speeches. Yeah, apparently Abraham Lincoln never insulted Rosie O'Donnell.

Yeah, the White House Pastry Chef made a 500-pound dark chocolate gingerbread White House. Obama was like, "Uh, but you made a REGULAR gingerbread house for all the OTHER presidents..." (Why's this one dark chocolate?)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.9.15

Time even released a list of the 16 most influential fictional characters of 2015, and Kate McKinnon's SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE version of Hillary Clinton came in third. I guess she was edged out by HILLARY'S version of Hillary Clinton, and Hillary's OTHER version of Hillary Clinton. (Both great fictional characters.)

Of course, it seems like everybody's still talking about Trump. And I heard that he skipped an RNC event here in New York City today called the Presidential Trust Dinner, even though his campaign said he would go. Then Chris Christie said, "So, does that means there's an extra plate at the dinner, errrr..?"

I saw that Jeb Bush has fallen to just three percent in a new poll, and his numbers continue to drop. Jeb says this isn't the time to panic - because the time to panic was, like, five months ago.

Hey last night was the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show over on CBS, and it featured models from Brazil, Sweden, and Portugal. Or as Donald Trump put it, (TRUMP) "I've changed my mind on immigrants."

And I saw that ABC is producing a made-for-TV musical remake of "Dirty Dancing," and get this - it's going to be three hours long. By the end, even Baby's like, (TIRED) "You know what? Go ahead and put me in the corner! I've already had the time of my life. I'm exhausted."

Some business news. I read that Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer has a severance package that would pay her 160 million dollars if she gets fired. Which will mark the first time somebody actually TRIES to get drunk at their office holiday party. (DRUNK) "A toast!...to all of your stupid faces!" (Can I have my go-away money please now?)

And this isn't good. I read that a shortage of Christmas trees this year has driven average prices for a standard Christmas tree up over a hundred dollars. Even dogs were like, "A hundred bucks for a toilet?"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.10.15

But it's gonna be a great show. We have the very funny Jim Gaffigan on the show tonight! That's right, Jim Gaffigan the only person in America that Donald Trump actually calls "too white."

Yep, Trump continues to be the big story. And I saw that after his recent comments about Muslims, Donald Trump was fired as a Global Ambassador for Scotland. Which is ironic, cuz if there were ever a human version of bagpipes, it's Donald Trump.

And a Middle Eastern retail chain called Lifestyle announced that it's pulling Donald Trump's home decor products from its shelves. But I guess they'll still be available at that other store - "Hate and Barrel." Or that OTHER store, (TRUMP) "Walllllll-Mart."

But this is sweet. Hillary Clinton told People magazine that her granddaughter called her "grandma" for the first time on the same night as the first Democratic debate. Then Hillary gazed into her granddaughter's eyes and said, "This is my night, not yours. Pick your moments."

And in his interview with People magazine, Bernie Sanders said that his grandchildren sometimes call him "Grandpa Bern." Which sounds less like a term of endearment and more like a medical condition. (DOCTOR) "You've got 'Grandpa Burn.' That's why it hurts when you pee."

Some more political news. The Senate voted in a bill that overhauls much of "No Child Left Behind" so the federal government has less responsibility. And instead of being called "No Child Left Behind," it's now called, "Don't Blame US If Your Kid is Dumb."

And a little international news here. I heard that the President of South AFRICA just fired his finance minister, Nla-nla Nay-nay. Yeah, I guess Nay-nay was like, "You can't fire me!" Then the president said, "Watch me, Nay-nay."

Yeah, apparently, Minister Nay-nay was replaced by Ministers Whip and Stanky Leg.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.11.15

Oh, some good news for the White House. They just announced that Obamacare added a million new customers in its third open-enrollment season. They say more people are signing up for healthcare due to the looming deadline, low costs, and the sales of hoverboards.

And in a new interview with People magazine, President Obama said that his favorite book of the year was a novel called "Fates and Furies." While Hillary Clinton said HER favorite book of the year was "Whatever yours was."

But the big story still seems to be Donald Trump. It seems like everybody's weighing in on his campaign. This week, White House press secretary Josh Earnest said that Trump's statement about banning Muslim immigrants "disqualifies" him from being president. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like, "You can get disqualified? What do I need to do?!"

This is interesting. Scientists said they just found dinosaur blood on an 80-million-year-old fossil. They now believe dinosaurs may have been wiped out by...murder.

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