Check Out Quotables From Last Week's TONIGHT SHOW

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.17.18

I'm so excited about this, you guys. Lin-Manuel Miranda is my guest tonight! He can sing, he can dance, he can act - right now I feel like I'm cheating on Justin Timberlake.

Christmas is just eight days away! And even President Trump is in the holiday spirit. Today he asked if he could replace the border wall with a line of high-kicking Rockettes.

Actually, the big story is that Trump might shut down the government if he doesn't get 5 billion dollars for his border wall. And he wants 5 billion more to hire Aquaman to guard the ocean between Miami and Cuba.

Did you guys hear about this? Mick Mulvaney has agreed to become Trump's Acting Chief of Staff, but says he only wants to do the job for six months. You can tell working for Trump is tough, cuz people are quitting before they even start.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.18.18

You guys, we have Michelle Obama on the show tonight! We have music from Ariana Grande! That's right, Michelle Obama and Ariana Grande - in other words, your next President and Vice President!

Well right now, Michelle Obama's new memoir, "Becoming," is the number one book on Amazon. While the number two is a children's book called "The Wonky Donkey." Which means there's a book about Michelle Obama and a book about President Trump.

I saw that "Becoming" is 448 pages long. And it's a good thing Barack didn't do the audiobook, or it'd be 448 hours.

Well, I read that Trump actually hates going to Christmas parties cuz he has to stand in line shaking hands for hours. But when staffers realized it kept him off Twitter, they just kept adding people to the line.

Some entertainment news. I heard that former "Fresh Prince" star Alfonso Ribeiro is suing the MAKERS of Fortnite for using his famous "Carlton dance" in their game. And then he's gonna be sued by every guy that's ever danced at a wedding.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.19.18

Well, I saw that for the holidays, President Trump is spending 16 days in Florida at Mar-a-Lago. You can tell he's nervous about the Russia investigation, cuz today he said, "Siri, can you swim from Mar-a-Lago to Cuba?"

That's right - on Friday, Trump is going on a vacation to Florida for 16 days. There's actually a word for a trip that long: moving.

But here's the big story. Congress is working on a spending bill to avoid a government shutdown until February. Yeah, the government's basically staying open month-to-month. I'm not saying we're in trouble, but if the U.S. were a department store, we'd be Sears.

Yeah, Trump was threatening to shut down the government if Congress didn't give him 5 billion dollars for a border wall, but now he says he'll get the money somewhere else. Or as one guy in Moscow put it, "Ugh, I'll get my checkbook."

That's right, Trump says he'll find another way to get 5 billion dollars for the wall. Which explains why Don Jr. was just spotted on the sidewalk ringing a bell next to a red kettle. "Just do it!"

But you guys, it's the holiday season, and everyone is in the giving spirit. In fact, Facebook just gave away all your private information.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.20.18

You guys, Christmas is just five days away! And I saw that Google has a Santa Tracker where you can watch Santa's journey around the world. Not to be outdone, Facebook has a tracker where you can steal Santa's social security number.

But with just five days until Christmas, we're reaching the point where any toys you order online won't arrive in time. Right now, every closed Toys-R-Us is saying, "How you like me now?!"

Well, I heard that a popular gift this year are those personal DNA testing kits. They're pretty cool. You send in your sample, and then after a few weeks, you get a letter back that says, "Sir, that cup was for saliva."

I saw that tomorrow, President Trump leaves for a 16-day trip to Mar-a-Lago, where he'll have his annual Christmas party. And just to mess with him, the only song the DJ will play is "Feliz Navidad."

Here's another big story. Trump wants to go against his advisors and pull U.S. troops out of Syria. I'm not sure Trump should be making this decision, cuz he thinks "Syria" is THE VOICE on his iPhone. "Syria, build me a border wall."

Listen to this. In a speech this morning, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that he'd like to get married again someday. Very interesting - when you see Putin on Tinder and try to swipe left, your phone says, "Try again."

Check this out. I heard that Budweiser is partnering with a medical marijuana company to make weed-infused beer. Budweiser said, "If 2019 is anything like 2018, you're gonna want this."

That's right, Budweiser is making beer with marijuana. There's actually a name for beer that's infused with weed: Nyquil.

Get this. I read that workout clothes made out of velvet are becoming very popular. Velvet workout clothes, or as it's known in New Jersey, "Formalwear."