Guest Blog: Garry Starr: How I Saved Theatre from Extinction!

In a world where people were busy binge-watching cat videos and falling down internet rabbit holes, the noble art of theatre faced an existential crisis. But never underestimate the power of a whimsical spirit, because I, Garry Starr, am about to share the improbable story of how I saved theatre from going belly up! 

The Bizarre State of Theatre: Picture it: audiences shrinking, theatre seats getting more uncomfortable, and even the occasional tumbleweed rolling through the dimly lit playhouses. It was like a scene out of a Shakespearean comedy gone wrong. Something had to be done before our dear thespians found themselves doing stand-up comedy in the streets!

The Sudden Brilliant Idea: As a legend of stage and screen as well as a certified genius, I couldn't sit still and let the heart of the arts fade into the ether. The thought of actors belting out soliloquies to an audience of pigeons just wouldn't do. That's when it hit me - what if I performed every genre of theatre ever created in the space of an hour, thus reigniting peoples’ passion for this dying artform.

Embracing the Absurdity: I started by making a list of all the styles of theatre I could think of and writing them on individual pieces of rice paper with a liquorice pen designed for cake decoration. I then hired a small London theatre and plastered the walls with said labels. The next step was to invite an audience. Being incredibly famous it was no surprise that I sold almost a dozen tickets to opening night! I then proceeded to perform each genre (with the assistance of the [sometimes] willing audience) before ripping each genre from the wall and consuming it (those in the know will understand the significance of killing one's darlings). Before the final grains of sand had dropped through the hourglass I had single-handedly breathed life back into this dying artform and it was no surprise I received a partial standing ovation.

The World Tour: It simply wasn’t enough to save theatre in the cultural wasteland that is Great Britain, so I packed my bags and took the show to the birthplace of culture, Australia. Not surprisingly the show proved incredibly successful and many now attribute the arrival of Garry Starr Performs Everything on their sunny shores with the demise of their sporting prowess. Having conquered Australia, I then set my sights on that other great bastion of art, Las Vegas.The show played to rapturous applause and has been credited with single-handedly wiping out the gambling industry.

The End Result: Against all odds, I turned the tide and made theatre a thrilling, delightful spectacle that no one could resist. The absurdity was contagious, and my little show became a hub of hilarity and bad puns. It turned out that, when in doubt, a good laugh was the best way to save our beloved theatre from a tragic demise. The theatre is now more successful than ever, and it’s all thanks to my brilliance.