"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR Seth Meyers - "Earlier today, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was repealed in a landmark Senate vote. Sixty-five Senators voting "yea" and 31 voting 'I'm old.'"
MEYERS - "Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, was freed on bail Thursday and sent to stay at a luxurious mansion in the English countryside. So, is he under arrest or is he on The Bachelorette?"MEYERS - "President Obama said Thursday that the US is "on track to achieve its goals in Afghanistan" but that the gains in many areas are fragile and reversible. Which may be true, but it sure makes for a crappy banner."MEYERS - "New York Governor David Paterson said Monday that he thinks the state may not be "governable." Which is kind of like Danny DeVito saying that a basketball is 'undunkable.'"MEYERS - "A spokesman for Wal-Mart said the retailer is looking to open a store in New York City. Though given the cost of retail space in New York, it will have to be scaled down a tad."
MEYERS - "Experts in Egypt are saying that a series of shark attacks on a popular beach were the result of livestock traders throwing carcasses into the coastal waters. Too bad because if it weren't for the sharks, that beach full of floating carcasses sounds like a really nice vacation spot."MEYERS - "Archaeologists in China have discovered a 2400 year old pot of soup. So apparently, even the ancient Chinese had trouble throwing out leftover Chinese."MEYERS - "MTV announced that as part of its New Year's Eve special, Jersey Shore star Nicole (Snooki) Polizzi will be placed inside a ball that drops in Times Square. Though I have a feeling this isn't the first party Snooki has spent drunkenly going down on something while people cheered."MEYERS - "Nick Cannon revealed Thursday that he and Mariah Carey are having twins, and President Obama and his wife were among the first people that they told. So the President doesn't have enough on his plate, now he's gotta act interested when Nick Cannon talks to him?"
MEYERS - "Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina said this week that her daughter turned down an offer to appear on Dancing with the Stars, but suggested to producers that they should bring Dina on instead. Said Dina Lohan, 'Oh, I couldn't possibly...5, 6, 7, 8!'"MEYERS - "The FDA is warning men who take the over the counter male-enhancement drug "Man Up Now" capsules to stop using them because they can lower blood pressure to dangerous levels. Though, if you're buying male-enhancement pills at a deli, you're probably not interested in a ton of guidance."MEYERS - "A student in Massachusetts pled guilty Thursday to charges that he falsified his academic record to get into Harvard. According to my sources, he was sentenced to four years at Cornell. This has been a joke for fair Harvard."MEYERS - "It was announced this week that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds have separated. Which is unfortunate, since they're probably the only ones who had a chance with either of them."
MEYERS - "A new restaurant has opened in China that uses robots as waiters. Because that's what the Chinese should be working on- ways to make their ten trillion people unnecessary."
