Quotables From LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON 5/3-7

"How are you guys feeling tonight?  Did anyone see the Kentucky Derby on Saturday? Well, congratulations to Super Saver who won the big race. He celebrated the same way every other horse does – by having no idea what the hell just happened."

"That's right, he won the race by 2 ½ lengths over Ice Box.  Super Saver will now get ready for the Preakness and the Belmont Stakes, while Ice Box will check himself into rehab, and show up on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars."

"Speaking of "Dancing with the Stars," on Saturday Kate Gosselin and one of her daughters ran a 5K race in Pennsylvania. Yeah ,when Kate was asked why her other kids weren't running, she was like "Cr*p! The other kids! I'll be right back!"

"Yup, Kate Gosselin spent the weekend with her daughter running a 5K. Not to be outdone, Jon Gosselin spent the weekend selling all his possessions for 5K."

"Have you guys been following this whole oil disaster?  Well, while he was in the Gulf Coast yesterday, President Obama said, "Let me be clear: BP is responsible for this leak.  BP will be paying the bill." And BP was like "Uhhh, bailout?" 

"The president of BP said that cleaning up the Gulf Coast oil spill is "like doing open-heart surgery at 5,000 feet, in the dark, with robot-controlled submarines." Hey, thanks for such a relatable example. Now I see how hard it is… "How can I explain this – you know when you're trying to juggle Faberge eggs on Mars during an ice blizzard while Crystal Bowersox is singing the theme from Super Mario Brothers.  You know, it's like that. Right?"

"It was a crazy weekend here in New York.  I don't know if you heard this, but the Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for Saturday's failed car bomb attack in Times Square.  I'm no terrorism expert, but I don't think it makes you scarier when you claim responsibility for something that failed. "Hey know "Crystal Pepsi?" My idea." 

"Did anyone see this?  On Saturday night, Chris Brown sang the national anthem before the Mayweather-Mosley fight in Vegas. So just to be clear, the idea of having Chris Brown sing right before a punching contest went all the way up the corporate chain, and every person on that chain was like "Yeah, I don't see anything weird about that!"

"Chris Brown sang the National Anthem before a fight? That's like Michael Vick opening the Westminster Dog Show."

"Finally, I read that a cafe in Brooklyn is now selling a 12-dollar cup of coffee. Inside the cup you'll find hints of apricot, pineapple, kiwi and lime. And outside the cup you'll find an idiot who spends 12 bucks on coffee."

"How are you guys feeling tonight?  Let's get right to the news.  It's rumored that six pages from the script of the "Lost" series finale have leaked online.  BP executives were like, "Oh my god that is definitely the worst leak of all time!  Right?  Anyone? That's definitely the leak story of the day…"

"Have you been following the whole oil disaster?  Well, scientists are predicting that the oil from the BP spill will eventually reach the shores of Florida.  So if you hated visiting your grandparents before, wait 'til you're hosing down their oily bodies after a long day at the beach."

"Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack! The suspect in the failed bombing says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone – even his bomb wasn't in on it."

"Speaking of terrorism, two new videos from the Pakistani Taliban seem to show that their leader, Hakimullah Mehsud, is alive – even though the U.S. thought he was killed. So either our intelligence is wrong, or they're just shooting the new movie, "Weekend at Hakimullah's." 

"Listen to this.  A pub here in New York has converted its second floor into an unemployment center to give career advice to Irish immigrants.  Unfortunately, none of the Irish people have made it past the first floor."

"A DMV clerk in Massachusetts hacked into the state computer and cleared her driving record of 1,400 dollars in parking fines. Yeah, she was arrested for the crime, but rewarded for actually doing something while working at a DMV."

"Check this out.  According to the NYPD, the most stolen cars in New York City are Toyotas. Actually, most of them aren't really STOLEN – they just take off on their own. But still, it's frustrating."

"This is big.  White House secretary Robert Gibbs said that President Obama is "close" to making a decision on the next Supreme Court justice. And we all know if Obama says he's close to a decision on something, it could be any year now."

"A group of more than 1,700 in Britain just set a new record for the largest group of people dressed like pirates. Not to be outdone, more than 1,700 pirates responded by setting the record for the largest group of people dressed like nerds."

 "I don't know what to make of this.  A teenage boy in Missouri took his 90-year-old great-grandmother to the prom because it was on her bucket list.  Unfortunately, school officials would not let her in because her hospital gown was too revealing."

"And finally, a couple in Britain spent more than 22,000 dollars to convert a public bathroom into a house.  It's a little strange.  Whenever you knock on their door, they're like, "Someone's in here!"

"How are you guys feeling tonight?  Happy Cinco de Mayo!  That's right, it's Cinco de Mayo! Or as they call it in Arizona – MAY FIFTH."

"Cinco de Mayo is great – it's a day where people drink margaritas and hit piñatas. Cuz if there's anything you wanna hand a drunk guy...it's a bat!"

"Before the show I actually did ten shots and smashed our office piñata. Then my assistant was like, "Jimmy, that's not a piñata…that's our Xerox Machine."

"Hey, listen to this.  Police in Texas arrested a man who used the alias "Barack Obama" while trying to steal money from 35 ATM's. Yeah, officials could tell something was up, when a guy named Barack Obama was seen taking money FROM banks, instead of handing it out TO them."

"You guys, tomorrow is the start of the PGA's Players Championship! Tiger Woods is expected to do very well, since he already won the "Playa's" Championship."

"Hey, you guys following the Times Square bomber story? Well, authorities learned that the suspect, Faisal Shahzad, was on a plane to Dubai 30 minutes before it was scheduled to take off. When asked about it, Shahzad was like, "Okay - so that's one Twitter tweet I wish I could take back."

"Here's some car news.  Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35's to address an air bag problem. Yeah when Toyota heard that, they were like "Oh crap...airbags! I knew we forgot something else!"

"Any fans of the show "Lost?"  Well, ABC has agreed to extend the two-hour finale of "Lost" by an extra 30 minutes. The episode will still be two hours long, but there's gonna be 30 minutes of silence so viewers can try to figure out what the hell just happened."

"In a new article, Stephen Hawking says that if he had a time machine, he'd "visit Marilyn Monroe in her prime."  Yeah, nothing like traveling 50 years into the past for the most guaranteed rejection in history."

"And finally, A new survey found that 12% of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites.  The other 88% punish their kids by JOINING social networking sites."

"How are you guys feeling tonight?  Let's get right to the news.  Tiger Woods is telling friends that his marriage is over. Yeah, his friends are trying to be sensitive, but there are only so many ways you can say, "No sh*t."

"This is bad.  Royal Caribbean says that 94 people got sick with vomiting and diarrhea on one of its cruises. Yeah you should have seen the mess afterwards...even BP was like "Good luck cleaning that up!"

"Do you guys watch "American Idol?"  Well last night on the show, Lady Gaga performed while wearing a fishnet and lace costume. You might think that sounds tame for Lady Gaga, but the fishnet still had fish in it." 

"That's right, Lady Gaga wore a fishnet and lace costume. When he got to the studio and saw her, Ryan Seacrest was like, "Well, guess I gotta go home and change."

"This is exciting.  An employee at NBC in Los Angeles just won the 266 million-dollar Mega Million lottery jackpot. Man, the last time anyone at NBC made that much money they were being paid to leave "The Tonight Show."

"I just heard this about the Times Square bomber, you know the guy that put a bomb in his Pathfinder… Well, the suspect, Faisal Shahzad, said he left a white Isuzu getaway car near Times Square, but was unable to use it on Saturday because he left the keys in the Pathfinder. That had to be a weird call to OnStar. "Hello, OnStar, what is your emergency?" "Oh man...you are not going to believe this...so I'm trying to blow up Times Square, right?...and I'm in such hurry to escape homemade bomb, I TOTALLY locked my keys in the car...it's just one of those days!"

"That's right, before leaving an SUV in Times Square on Saturday, Faisal Shahzad did a practice drive with a white Isuzu on Friday night. Yeah, I guess people became suspicious when they realized it was 2010 and someone was driving an Isuzu."

"Some more news out of New York.  The new Broadway play about Enron didn't get any major Tony nominations and will lose four million dollars when it closes on Sunday. In other words, it was a major success compared to the real Enron."

"And finally…because of the whole designer-dog craze, the man in Australia who "invented" the labradoodle says he now regrets the decision. Yeah, you know who regrets it even more?  The poodle that got boned by a Labrador."

"Listen to this.  There's speculation that yesterday's 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered "billion" instead of "million" on a trading order. Yeah, economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter "Dubya."

"It's been a crazy week here in New York with this whole Times Square bombing.  Federal authorities are now conducting an internal review to see if the suspect, Faisal Shahzad, was overlooked as a potential terrorist threat. I'll save them some work. YES."

"Speaking of Faisal Shahzad, there are reports that he's been bragging about his connections to global terrorists. Man, the only thing more annoying than a terrorist is a name-dropper. "You know, I went to Elton John's birthday party once.  I was with Lindsay, Jessica…Seacrest was there.  He's always texting me.  Jon Gosselin is a friend of mine."

"Today was another weird day in New York.  They evacuated Times Square AGAIN, because of a, quote, "suspicious package." But false alarm-turned out it was just the Naked Cowboy."

"Yeah, the NYPD cleared 44th Street to 47th Street after a cooler was discovered this afternoon. That's right - a cooler. Meanwhile, somewhere there's a guy who transports vital organs that is SO in trouble right now. "Crap! The kidney! Okay, think…where did you leave the cooler, Gary!!"

"And get this-police found ANOTHER suspicious package in Times Square today that contained a gray shirt, white tube socks, a toothbrush and pens. So in other words, they found Steve Urkel's backpack."

"Here's some business news.  It turns out that Nintendo's profits have dropped for the first time in six years. Yeah, when asked for comment, the head of Nintendo was like… But then he said don't worry, if we do a lot of… I think that eventually, we could…"

"I read about this today.  There's a doctor in Britain who lets his patients watch their favorite DVD during surgery to distract them, and avoid the need for general anesthesia. Here's how it works: it doesn't."

"Hey, this week is the 50th anniversary of the birth control pill. At least, I'm like, 99% sure it is."

"And finally, a "Planet of the Apes" prequel is coming out next summer called "Rise of the Apes." That's right - it will cover the apes' growth, evolution, and the summer they spent together at a house on the Jersey Shore."

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