Skip to main content Skip to footer site map

Check Out Highlights From SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Check Out Highlights From SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Check out the highlights from this past weekends episode:

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST - "This week, the national unemployment rate held steady at four percent, while the White House unemployment rate rose to all of them. The crazy thing is I'm starting to feel sorry for all these people Trump is firing, even though I thought they were terrible at their jobs. I mean, six months ago could you have imagined thinking, 'Hang in there, Jeff Sessions.'"

JOST - "The latest victim was former FBI Director Andrew McCabe, who was fired two days before he was set to retire on his 50th birthday, so he couldn't collect his full pension. Damn man, that's cold. Even the joker's like, 'You don't treat people like that.' Trump needs to be nicer to people. I love that Trump is being extra mean to the FBI guy who's definitely about to testify against him. It's like walking in and announcing to a whole restaurant that you're not tipping anyone before they make your food."

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE - "President Trump fired Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and replaced him with CIA Director Mike Pompeo. Tillerson will return to his previous job as the eagle from the Muppets."

CHE - "Insiders are saying that more major staff shake-ups could be coming to the White House. Trump is firing people like he's trying to get us under the salary cap or something. This is like when those Domino's commercials say 'At Domino's, we're making some changes,' and you're like, yeah but you're still Domino's."

JOST - "It was reported that special counsel Robert Mueller has subpoenaed documents from the Trump Organization. By the way, 'Trump Organization' is maybe the greatest oxymoron in history. Have you ever seen Trump's desk? He's just a full hoarder. Good luck finding Russian evidence under some old McDonald's wrappers, a pile of unsigned non-disclosure agreements and macaroni Father's Day cards from Eric."

CHE - "Stormy Daniels has offered to return the 130,000 dollars that she was paid, so that she can release any texts, photos or videos she has with Donald Trump. For what? So a lady is trying to show us revenge porn of a grandpa, and we're just okay with that? What are you expecting to see? What if it's good? Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared to see Donald Trump tear up some ass? He's 6'3" and dumb as rocks. You don't know what he's working with down there."

JOST - "Can the media please stop getting us all riled up with headlines like, 'Will Porn Star Bring Down President?' and 'Is Mueller Moving In For the Kill?' Stop teasing us if there's no payoff! I'll tell the media the same thing I told my high school girlfriend: 'I'm totally fine waiting, but you gotta stop rubbing the outside of my pants.'"

JOST - "Walmart has filed a patent for robot bees that could be used to pollinate crops like real bees. Which leads me to ask what is Walmart now? A department store that became a grocery store and firearms dealer? And now they're just building an army of robot bees? I miss the good old days when Walmart was just a place where I saw my third grade teacher punch a greeter on Black Friday."

JOST - "Taco Bell is selling a 'Strawberry Skittles Freeze' made with Skittles candy. You know, Mexican food. Just like mi abuela used to make."

JOST - "The Federal Trade Commission has ordered the MAKERS of the Snuggie to pay more than seven million dollars in refunds over deceptive, 'Buy one, get one free' ads. It's a rare piece of good news for people who own multiple Snuggies."

JOST - "The winner of America's Best License Plate is New Mexico's 'Chile Capital of the World' plate. While the worst is New Jersey's 'Da Fuh You Lookin' At?'"


Featured on Stage Door

Shoutouts, Classes, and More from Your Favorite Broadway Stars

Related Articles View More TV Stories

More Hot Stories For You