July Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON

Below, check out quotables from 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' July 27 - July 31:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.27.15

I'm so excited you guys - we have Tom Cruise on the show tonight! Yep, he's here to promote the new "Mission: Impossible" movie - which I believe is all about Donald Trump's PR team.

Yeah, Trump's still at it. In a speech in Texas, Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton, "easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of our country." When asked what he based that on, Trump said, "I heard ME say it just now. So it's gotta be true."

Meanwhile, Chris Christie attended the Italian-American Heritage Festival street fair in Iowa this weekend, where they CELEBRATED Italian culture and Italian food. Yeah, the street fair involved two of Christie's favorite pastimes - eating, and shutting down traffic. It's a combo platter. A magical thing.

Yeah, Chris Christie attended an Italian-American Heritage Festival where vendors served him a lot of Italian food, including bacon-wrapped dates. Which was also Christie's prom fantasy in high school. (CHRISTIE) "Would you like to go to prom with me? Can I wrap you in bacon?"

And Time Magazine recently interviewed Bill Clinton about the current presidential campaign, and he claimed he had to ask Hillary to marry him three times before she said yes. Then Hillary was like, (ANNOYED) "Yeah. That wasn't me." (Maybe it was some stewardess you met in the 80's.)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.28.15

I saw that Donald Trump is selling his penthouse suite at the Trump Park Avenue building here in New York City for 21 million dollars. When asked why he's selling it now, Trump said "Hey, Americans seem to be buying everything else I'm selling, so why not strike while the iron's hot. I have so my golf courses...beautiful gold-plated lions."

And three of Donald Trump's kids have come forward to defend him, and called him "an incredible dad and role model." Donald was so moved that he wrote one of them back into his will. (TRUMP) "I'm not gonna tell you which one.....it's Donald Jr."

In several speeches and interviews, Donald Trump has brought up his book "The Art of the Deal," and said that Obama would have negotiated a better deal with Iran if he had read it. It got even more awkward for Obama when Iran was like, (ACCENT) "It worked for us - you guys got screwed!"

Of course, last night was the big season finale of "The Bachelorette," and for the second season in a row, Nick Viall made it to the final two, only to wind up losing. I dunno, man. If you lose "The Bachelorette" twice in a row, there must be something really, really RIGHT with you.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.29.15

Well, some more controversy for Donald Trump. There are reports that Trump is overstating his wealth by more than seven billion dollars. But Trump denied the rumor, saying (TRUMP) "That is a million percent untrue."

Yeah, it's rumored that Trump is overstating his wealth by more than seven billion dollars. Seriously? The guy has two ex-wives - you think he'd go the OTHER way. (TRUMP) "I'm totally broke! Nothing left to give you people!"

Even The Count was like, (COUNT) "That's too many numbers! It hurt my head! I wish I like cookies instead. Wrong character choice. Rubber duckies or something."

It seems like every day, another candidate comes out of the woodwork. In fact this week, a man from Iowa who's actual legal name is Deez Nuts announced that he is running for president. Then Americans looked at the OTHER candidates and said, (SHRUG) "He can't be worse than DOZE nuts."

Of course the big sports story today is that The NFL upheld Tom Brady's four-game suspension yesterday, and said the decision involved the fact that Brady destroyed his cell phone just before he was investigated. Then Hillary said, "You didn't have to DESTROY it - you just switch the SIM CARD memory chip!...ER-uh, so I've heard. I don't know. Bye. Gotta go."

Oh, everyone is really upset about this, and rightfully so. Apparently this dentist from Minnesota went on one of those big game hunting trips in AFRICA and ended up illegally killing a pretty famous lion named Cecil. Yeah, so many people hate this guy, Donald Trump is considering him as a running mate. (TRUMP) "This guy is the worst. He's perfect for my campaign."

This guy is SO unpopular that five out of five OTHER dentists think he's a douchebag.

Yeah this dentist from Minnesota illegally shot a famous lion and apparently is in a LOT of trouble. Man, he better hope he stays out of jail, cuz he'd DEFINITELY get his cavity filled.

And finally, a recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, WORK is bad for you.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.30.15

We're in the middle of a heat wave here in New York City, and temperatures are supposed to be in the 90s for the next several days. In fact Donald Trump was so mad about the weather, he actually gave away Al Roker's personal phone number. (TRUMP)

That's right, Donald Trump continues to be the big story. But this week, Trump said if his presidential campaign fails, he will "ride into the sunset." And if Donald Trump WINS the presidency, Hillary says she's gonna ride off a cliff like Thelma and Louise.

And former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore officially announced his campaign yesterday, bringing the total number of Republican candidates to seventeen. Seventeen! Here's how I know that's too many: If I saw 17 people in line for the BATHROOM, I'd be like, "NOPE!" ("I'll hold it until 2020.")

And as Hillary Clinton's poll numbers continue to slide, the movement to convince Joe Biden to run for president has been gaining steam. Which might sound like a joke, but the Pay-Per-View on a Biden/Trump debate would solve the national debt crisis.

This isn't good. Democratic Congressman Chaka Fattah of Pennsylvania could face up to 100 years in jail, after he was charged with several counts of corruption. Which would explain Chaka's new name: Chaka Con. (Chaka Con? Chaka Con, Chaka Con?) (Singing)

I saw that the D.C. newspaper "The Hill" published its annual list of the 50 most beautiful people in politics yesterday. And once again, it only had five people on it. Just make the list shorter.

A crazy story out of England. A baby seal was rescued after it was found on land, in the middle of a group of cows. The seal says she was standing in the middle of a bunch of cows for the same reason most people do- to look better in her Instagram photos.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.31.15

It's still Donald Trump. It seems like everybody's weighing in on his campaign - even Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. He said that Trump is quote, "probably the best thing to happen to politics in a long, long time." Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Well, at least one Cuban loves me." And he's right. He's right.

Meanwhile, Jeb Bush participated in his first Spanish-language interview with Telemundo this week, where he said he's more optimistic than the other candidates. And you can tell he's optimistic, cuz he thinks speaking in Spanish will help him with REPUBLICANS.

Some business news. Nintendo announced a profit this quarter, marking a turnaround from its recent earnings slide. They were actually close to going bankrupt until they hit up-up-down-down-left-right-B-A-select-start and got more lives.

If you're single, you should listen to this. A new report says that San Francisco is the most expensive city for single people in the U.S., due to the cost of gym memberships, date nights, and clothing. So if you don't mind being overweight, alone and naked, San Francisco is actually quite affordable. You can get a decent place. Just know that going in.

This is pretty cool. The Library of the Motion Picture Academy released a letter that Tom Hanks wrote in high school to an influential director, asking to be discovered as an actor. But the director never responded, so...hang in there Tom Hanks! You'll get that big break sooner or later. (Never give up!) Don't give up, Tom Hanks!

Check this out. Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle blog Goop released a line of women's handbags that feature the names of famous rappers, including one that says "Biggie" on one side and "Tupac" on the other. You know, just like Biggie and Tupac would've wanted.

And finally, I heard that "The Walking Dead" is partnering with a brewing company to make a beer based on the show. I think we already have a beer for the Walking Dead, it's called "Your 12th Beer".

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