TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON Quotables - Week of 11/17

Below, check out quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON for the week of November 17 - November 21:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.17.14
Well, as you may have heard, we had to postpone U2 Week here at the Tonight Show, because Bono broke his arm over the weekend. They were like, "Where are we gonna find another talented Irish guy on such short notice?" and I was like, (CLEAR THROAT) "Ahem," and they were like, "Good point - we'll just cancel."

Yeah, Bono is expected to make a full recovery after he injured his arm in a cycling accident in Central Park. Of course, I had a lot of questions, like, "Can you please not tell people we were riding a tandem?"

And we're not the only ones having trouble. I saw that One Direction member Zayn Malik missed the group's concert on THE TODAY SHOW this morning because he was sick. Yeah. Then him and Bono high-fived and spent the rest of the afternoon playing "Call of Duty."

Some more celebrity news. I heard that Kim Kardashian is heading to India to appear in the eighth season of the country's version of "Big Brother." Makes sense she's going to India, cuz if you're gonna break the Internet, that's the place to be. They're the ones picking up the phone.)

Speaking of Kim Kardashian. Last week, she posted a ton of photos online of her daughter's first hot chocolate. So if you Google "Kim Kardashian" and "hot chocolate"... that's not what you're gonna get. Don't do it at work.

And finally, there are reports that Hostess is planning to sell the maker of "Ding Dongs" next year, in a deal that's worth around two billion dollars. Yeah, that's the most money anyone will make off of "Ding Dongs" till "Magic Mike 2" comes out next summer.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.18.14
Huge, huge sports news. Yesterday, Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria gave outfielder Giancarlo Stanton a 13-year contract for 325 million dollars. Marking the first time a team's OWNER was tested for drugs. "You gave him HOW much??"

That's right, the Miami Marlins signed Giancarlo Stanton to a deal worth 325 million dollars, which is the biggest contract in American sports history. When asked what he would buy with 325 million dollars, Stanton said, "The Miami Marlins. I might as well by the team, I'm on it already."

Well, Kim Kardashian's back in the news you guys. It's rumored that she may buy a private island near Australia. Because if there's one thing she can't live without, it's her privacy. (Finally! A place to be alone, relax...post all my selfies!)

Of course another big issue right now is legalized weed. It seems like it's happening everywhere, and get this. I read that Washington state just its first marijuana auction and ended up selling 300 pounds of pot for 600 thousand dollars. And it was all bought by a customer out of state named Giancarlo Stanton. Never heard of the guy.

Let's get to some politics here. I saw that yesterday, C-SPAN set up a phone line for undocumented immigrants to call and share their perspective on the immigration debate in the U.S. Although it was awkward when the immigrants said, "Can I call you back? I'm going through a tunnel." That's a good one. Write that one down.

A little controversy here. There are reports that before the midterm elections, Republicans may have broken campaign laws by using Twitter to exchange internal polling information. On the bright side, that's not the WORST way politicians have shared their poles on Twitter. Just saying..I've seen...

And this week, President Obama is scheduled to meet with superintendents to discuss his plan to provide students with high-speed Internet in the classroom. Then teachers will meet with Obama and say, "Any other ideas for making my job impossible? Wana give each kid an iPad with Minecraft and a couple of Red Bulls?" Leave me alone!

Some business news. Yesterday, Spotify announced a partnership with Uber so customers can listen to their favorite music during their rides. Yeah, they say it's a cool way to let people choose the last song they'll ever hear. (DRIVING, GRUFF) "I know a shortcut...I know a shortcut through the woods!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.19.14
Well, the midterm elections are over and the Republicans are now in charge of Congress. And get this, yesterday, House Republicans picked an all-male group of new committee chairs for next year's session. They've actually come up with a pretty good name for that all-male group: "No Direction." Very interesting, all-male.

And this was pretty big. Yesterday, the Senate came up one vote short of getting approval to build the Keystone XL oil pipeline. Democrats say the pipeline could accelerate global warming. Then people who've been outside today were like, "Sounds good to me!" Lets accelerate that global warming. Let's do it right now.

Oh this is a little scary. A mysterious Russian satellite is apparently drifting through space, and it's got a lot of people worried, because they don't know if it's a harmless civilian mission or some kind of weapon. Then Putin was like, (PUTIN SING SONG) "You have to wait til Christmas to find out!

A little bit of a SCANDAL here. Chef Gordon Ramsay believes that his restaurant opening in London was sabotaged this weekend, after a competitor booked up the room using fake online reservations. Officials have narrowed it down to "Everyone who has ever worked for Gordon Ramsay." "Get out of here!"

This is kinda cool. I saw that the Vatican is raffling off some of the pope's belongings for charity, including a tandem bicycle. While the pope appreciates all gifts he receives, even HE was like, "What the hell am I gonna do with a tandem bicycle?"

Actually, the Pope says he's giving away the tandem because Jesus never pedals on the uphills. (POPE) "I carried YOU up the hill!"

Listen to this, you guys. The dating site OKCupid announced that users will soon be able to select from additional options under sexual orientation and gender identification on their profile. As opposed to their current choices - "Straight," "Gay" and "I'm 39 - gimme whatever you got." It's another option now, finally.

And finally, researchers at Google have developed an image-recognition software that can accurately caption what's happening in a photo. Although it still has some bugs, cuz it described Kim Kardashian's recent photo as "Woman being chased by two butterball turkeys." I could see where they made that error.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.20.14
Earlier tonight, President Obama gave a Prime Time speech to announce his plan for immigration reform. People watching TV said the President came off as strong, powerful, and decisive. Then they switched from "Scandal" to see what Obama had to say. It was all right.

Some more news out of Washington. During a hearing yesterday, the acting director of the U.S. Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said that it may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When they asked if he had any other ideas, he said, "Uhhh... make the sidewalk lower?" I don't know man...

This is crazy. After signing a contract for 325 million dollars this week, Marlins player Giancarlo Stanton celebrated with a 20-thousand-dollar bottle of Champagne. Soooo...let the road to inexplicable bankruptcy begin! (Every room in this house has a shark tank! They swim room to room! There's my race horses!)

Yeah, Giancarlo Stanton had a 20-thousand-dollar bottle of Champagne. When asked what made the champagne so expensive, the bartender said "I heard this guy just made 325 million dollars." (This is a very rare bottle from 2013. It is already open. No bubbles. Only the crap stuff has bubbles. You screw the top off. Champagne.)

Some celebrity gossip, here. It's rumored that Ryan Gosling has rejected the "Sexiest Man Alive" title in the past because he wanted to be taken seriously for his work. Which, of course, just makes him sexier. (He's so serious. But I can change him! He's a bad boy. I think I can change him.)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.21.14
Some big news out of Washington. Last night, President Obama unveiled his executive action to provide millions of undocumented immigrants with temporary relief from deportation. And today, Republicans were NOT happy - you know, cuz their nannies, gardeners and valets were all hungover from partying last night. They partied all night long.

And today, President Obama finalized his executive action to protect undocumented immigrants by signing a "presidential memorandum" during a rally in Las Vegas. Cuz if there's one thing that always works out, it's a commitment made in Las Vegas. If there's one thing.

Of course this all is pretty controversial. Last night Senator Ted Cruz criticized President Obama's use of executive action and urged people to sign a petition called "Stop Obama's Amnesty." Then he was like, "Except as it applies to me, Rafael Edward Cruz - a man who was born in Canada." (Guy's a walking Epcot Center.) Yeah, he's fine though.

And before the announcement, Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn warned that the country was quote "going to go nuts" and predicted the possibility of violence and civil disobedience. Then today Americans were like "no, that's NEXT Friday... at Walmart." I WANT THAT Xbox!

Yeah, Obama's taking a lot of heat from Republicans. In fact, some are saying that Obama thinks he's an American King. When Obama heard this he was like, "hey, at least they finally admit I'm American. That's SOME progress, I'll take it. I'll take whatever I can get."

Obama's denying that he's a king. He was like, "The only guy at the White House who wears a crown is Biden when I take him to Burger King." He puts the onion rings on his fingers and says, "Will you marry me?"

Some TV news. FOX announced that "Glee" will begin its sixth and final season in January. When asked what's gonna happen to the characters, FOX was like, "Not sure - we ALSO stopped watching around season three. We forgot it was on."

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