Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 11/7 - 11/11

Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON from November 7 - November 11:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.7.16

It seems like everyone's trying to get out to vote. In fact, Gold's Gym is giving anyone with an "I Voted" sticker a free visit to the gym tomorrow. Yeah, you can go from voting, straight to the gym - if you can squeeze in a visit to the dentist, it'll be the worst day of your life!

Listen to this. The New York Times reported that people running Donald Trump's campaign have blocked him from using Twitter. Or more accurately, they switched his phone with a calculator and he still hasn't noticed.

And get this. Sources say Trump is already finalizing his cabinet in case he wins tomorrow. Rudy Giuliani would be Attorney General, Newt Gingrich would be Secretary of State, and Chris Christie would be the wall.

And this is interesting. I read that out of THE 100 largest newspapers in America, Hillary has been endorsed by 57, while Trump has only been endorsed by two. But the most shocking part of that story is that America still has 100 newspapers.

But the president isn't the only thing people are voting for tomorrow. That's right, voters in nine states will vote to legalize marijuana. And if that doesn't pass...you'll just have to keep easily getting weed from your dealer. (STONER) "What the hell man! I texted you over 20 minutes ago!"

That's right, five states will vote for recreational, three states for medicinal, and Colorado will vote for "Mandatory."

This is kind of scary. Samsung just recalled three million of its washing machines over reports that they've been exploding. When asked why they didn't make the call sooner, Samsung said, "We were too afraid to pick up a phone!"

Did you see this? Yesterday, Dale Earnhardt Jr. got pulled over for speeding on his way to a NASCAR race. Then the cop who managed to catch him quit his job and became a NASCAR driver. "I caught you?!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.9.16

Donald Trump is going to be president. Republicans hope he'll keep his promise to build the wall, and Democrats hope he'll keep his promise not to accept the election results.

After the results came in, Donald Trump gave a big victory speech. Yep, he said he couldn't have done it without the love of his life, his rock, his better half...FBI Director James Comey.

And President Obama called Donald Trump last night to congratulate him, and even invited him to the White House for a meeting tomorrow. Of course, it was hard to understand Obama, cuz at the time he was chewing 80 pieces of Nicorette. (ON PHONE, CHOMPING ON GUM) "Yeah, just uh...come by. Looking forward to it."

And this probably didn't surprise a lot of people, but Trump also received congratulations from Russian President Vladimir Putin. They spent two minutes on the phone discussing politics, then an hour saying, (TRUMP) "No YOU hang up! (PUTIN) "No YOU hang up."

Of course this means that early next year Trump will be moving into the White House. Where he'll become the first president who moves in and hangs up his own portrait.

Another big story to come out of last night is how bad the polling was. But the people who work in the polling industry said that they're gonna go back and figure out what they did wrong, then present their findings at the Cleveland Browns SUPER BOWL parade.

Actually, I read that the polls may have been off because the shift to cell phones made it harder to collect data from people. Then Hillary said, "They seemed to have a pretty easy time collecting data from MY phone!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.10.16

It was a busy day today at the White House, with President Obama hosting the NBA champions, the Cleveland Cavaliers as well as President-Elect Donald Trump. It actually got a little awkward when Trump walked up to LeBron and said, (TRUMP) "Nice to meet you, Mr. President." ("You're much taller in person.")

And while President Obama met with Donald Trump, Michelle Obama met privately with Melania Trump. Michelle said, "It's a pleasure to welcome you and Donald to the White House." Then Melania said, "It's a pleasure to welcome you and Donald to the White House." ("Stop copying me!" "Stop copying me!")

Michelle actually had a nice time showing Melania around. Though it got weird when they walked into the Lincoln Bedroom and Melania said (MELANIA) "Wow - what a lovely closet!"

There's talk that Donald Trump may appoint Sarah Palin as Secretary of the Interior, which means she would oversee the National Park Service. When they heard that, bears were like, "Well, we had a good run!"

Of course a lot of people are unhappy with the election. In fact, there were large anti-Trump protests in the streets of at least seven cities last night, including right here in New York. Trump looked out his window from 60 stories up and said, (TRUMP) "A parade already?? That's fantastic."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.11.16

The dust is still settling from the election. And I saw that yesterday, a reporter asked Donald Trump if he's ready to be president, and he responded by giving two thumbs up. So it's official: a white guy is DEFINITELY back in office! (GIVES TWO LAME THUMBS UP)

And did you know this? At age 70, Donald Trump is the oldest president elected in U.S. history. Which means he shouldn't be surprised in four years, if America dumps him for a younger hotter president.

But it seems like Trump's already getting to work. Yesterday, he met with President Obama in the Oval Office and said he had "great chemistry" with President Obama. While Obama was like, "Thank GOD for legal weed."

Yeah, it seems like the ONE thing a lot of people are happy about after this election is all the states that legalized marijuana, including Massachusetts. Which explains why the Boston Red Sox just became the Boston Flip Flops. (STONER) "Dude - check out THIS Green Monster!"

Even though a lot of people are nervous about what a Trump presidency might look like, a longtime friend of Trump says that Trump intends to build a quote "wall of understanding." He also said Trump would put up some "barbed wire of compassion" and a "roadblock of empathy." (They need to tweak their metaphors a little bit.)

And I read that Trump spoke with the President of South Korea yesterday and pledged to keep an "unwavering" alliance with the country. And then he paused and said, (TRUMP) "Wait, you're the GOOD Korea, right?"

But Trump's got other problems to deal with first. He may actually have to appear in court before he takes office because of a lawsuit against him. Of course to remain impartial the court wants a jury who doesn't know anything about Trump - so they're gonna go with people who voted for him.

The good news is that the holidays are here. And I saw that Oprah even released her annual "Favorite Things" list for the holidays, and it includes a 400-dollar dog blanket, a smart luggage set, and a travel pillow that doubles as an organizer. Even SkyMall was like, "What the hell?"

And finally, I just read that George Clooney's tequila company is the fastest growing premium tequila maker in the country. Probably because the more you drink it, the more whoever it is you're talking to looks like George Clooney.

To post a comment, you must register and login.